A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

I can’t study..

Posted by Pepper on May 24, 2009

Its been a while now. I sit at my desk and watch the loose sheets of paper lying around me. But each time I pick up a sheet to read, all I end up doing is doodling or scribbling random gibberish on the blank ends. Attempting to study seems to be a futile process. My eyes stare at the printed text mechanically. I continue to read, but my brain does not interpret a word. Before I know it, I realise I’ve reached the end of the page without really assimilating a single line I’ve read. And then it starts to happen. I travel in my mind, and visit destinations that disturb me and I feel so distraught at the end of these short mental trips.
Maybe a mug of hot strong coffee will help, I think. I make myself the coffee and bring it back to my desk. It provides little motivation. I continue to live in my pensive and dazed world as the coffee turns luke warm. I force it down before it turns into a messed up version of cold coffee.
I then decide to move to the bed. Maybe I should just sit back and relax myself while I read. It only results in my mental flights taking off more frequently and landing at junctions that make me want to curl up and hide under my duvet. And that is exactly what I do; pull up the covers and lie beneath.
A long shower perhaps. It may help in clearing my thoughts. I am not sure how long I stand under the shower, but it clearly does not help. The moment I try to study, I realise I am as disoriented as ever. Sigh.
I know I cannot afford to let this happen. Each day that is passing by is going to cost me heavily. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could momentarily extract my brain and put it for a wash. Use some effective cleansing detergent and scrub of the grime. I would then insert it back only when it would be totally fresh and purified. Once all the distressing thoughts are filtered, I am sure I wouldn’t have any trouble absorbing what I read.
For now, I will go back to trying my old ways and hope I achieve some results, even if negligible.
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