A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

When the guilt weighs you down.

Posted by Pepper on June 20, 2011

I’ve been feeling awful the past few days. It is because of something I did. The burden of guilt is weighing me down. A part of me wants to forget about it. But the other part of me wants me to remember it forever, so that I never repeat something like that.

I have a temper. I think most of us do. But some of us are able to exercise some amount of control. These days, if I get mad, I scream. I’ve told myself to take a deep breath and talk calmly, however angry I am. It doesn’t seem to work. I don’t even know when the cool is lost, when I start shouting and when it turns into unbearable screaming. The more angry I am, the louder I scream. A few days ago I went a step beyond that and did something unforgivable.

We had gone shopping and were on our way back from some store. Like always, I knew nothing about the way back home. Mint wanted me to take note of the way and started insisting on me driving back. I was tired and cranky. I only wanted to sit back, but he was pressurizing me too much to drive. He probably thought it would be a better way for me to learn that particular route. I reluctantly agreed.

Once I started driving, he asked me to guess where we had to turn from. I really was in no mood to play guessing games and only wanted explicit directions from him. So I started screaming. We stopped at a signal and he asked me to guess the next turn again. I lost it. I was stressed out already and had agreed to drive for his sake. Now the light turned green, I had to go, and I wasn’t sure of what direction to proceed in because he asked me to ‘guess’. That made me explode. In his defence, he had only asked me to guess because we were waiting at a red light. And if he gave me no directions, that only meant we had to go straight. But at that time, I was stressed, tensed and angry. Nothing made sense to me. We fought, shouted and screamed as I drove. At one point, I realised I had no clue of where we were heading, and I couldn’t just stop on the road. So I stared following some random car as we continued our screaming match.

Now when I think of it, I don’t understand what it was that got me that mad. But at that time, angry tears threatened to spill. I finally stopped following the car and stopped in some dark lane. I was supremely angry with him at that time. Just because he wasn’t giving me clear directions when I was driving. And he was angry because I was shouting at him like a maniac, only because he asked me to guess a few times. We continued arguing. By now I was a complete mess. Screaming, crying, with a pounding headache. I asked him to take over and drive home from that point. He refused. I kept telling him I was not in a fit enough state to drive, but he was obstinate. He said he would not drive, even though he had no reason not to. That got me more mad. I was hysterical. I told him I wanted to slap him. He said, ‘okay, then slap me’. That tone sounded almost challenging to me. It was the last bit of provocation I needed. In a fit of rage, I lifted my hand and gave him one tight slap on his face.

He was quiet for a few seconds. He said nothing for a while. I was still screaming and crying. Don’t ask me why. I kept commanding him and alternately pleading with him to drive. But he simply refused. I called him names. He said we could spend the night in the car, in that lane. But he would not drive back. I didn’t wanna drive back either. Both of us were on our own trip. I was still furious. My mom was with us in the car, witnessing the entire scene. She was rather shocked by the way we fought. What can I say? Our worst fights happen only when we have an audience. I finally agreed to drive back home for my mom’s sake. But Mint said he refused to tell me the way. He said I was the one who brought us in that random, obscure lane and I should be the one leading us back. I was so furious, that brought another round of screaming. After a while, he agreed to tell me the way, and I drove back home.

We continued avoiding each other that day. But I could see my vision clearing as the veil of fury clogging my senses was lifted. I thought about it calmly and concluded – this was my doing. I overreacted to the ‘can you guess’ part. All of that was okay, but what I couldn’t digest was the slap I gave him. I couldn’t believe I had done it. This was unacceptable by all means. Nothing justifies it. You cannot, ever, raise your hand on your partner. That is nothing but abuse. I would not tolerate it. I don’t know why he did. I wish he had slapped me back. He didn’t even deserve to be yelled at, let alone be slapped. My mom was very mad at me too. She said she couldn’t imagine slapping her husband or vice versa. It is just not done. I couldn’t help agreeing with her. It made me feel terrible.

I haven’t been at peace since the time it happened. I apologised to him, but I know it does not make up for what I did in any way. I cannot take my darling boy for granted. I cannot turn into an abusive partner. I cannot. I need to get a grip. I need to keep my temper on a tight leash. I say it a lot of times, but each time the moment comes, I see my resolve flying out of the window. So far, I haven’t done anything drastic. This slap to him hit me the most. The guilt has made me more clingy. I wait to see him and then curl up in his arms. He’s a sweetheart, and his embrace is welcoming and warm like always.

I still feel jolted. I hope this was the very last time I face such overwhelming guilt..

100 Responses to “When the guilt weighs you down.”

  1. SK said

    Oh my! Be assured you are not alone. I have lost my temper at DH many times, and yes, slapped too, and yes regretted and apologized, for the silliest of reasons. This was in the early days of married life. You will grow out of it. Resolve never to get angry. As long as both of you love each other, fights do happen and won’t matter.

    • Pepper said

      I know SK. I am not really bothered about the fights. They happen and we get over it and go back to happy times. I only got disturbed by the slap. But thanks for telling me I am not all alone..

  2. Deboshree said

    I hope things are better now Pepper.
    Anger is possibly one of our biggest failures. And the guilt it leaves behind is very hard to come to terms with. Especially over matters so trivial they seem unbelievable at later points. Don’t worry; I am sure such a scenario will not recur. πŸ™‚

    • Pepper said

      Thanks D. You’re right. Anger is one of our biggest failures. It is essential to keep it in control. I hope I learn from my mistakes.. πŸ™‚

  3. You are very very brave to blog about this.

    I have a temper much like yours which in hind sight might seem illogical and i totally “Get” the guilt you feel. I don’t know what you can do feel better, but lots of hugs coming your way!

    I hope writing about it helped you!!! Though i would recommend deleting the blog once the guilt goes away so that it doesn’t follow you and NO u wont repeat it…so u dont need the blog to remind you!

    • Pepper said

      You are right Nuttie. I think it was very brave of me to write this post. I was very unsure. I feel so ashamed of myself, I wanted to never let a soul know this. But I write on this blog with a lot of honesty and never think before writing about the good times, so hiding this would have make me feel more guilty. The purpose of writing it here was not just to remind me, but more because I record my life here. Not just the good and the bad, but also the ugly. I might password protect the post if I can’t bear to read it at some point, and hope I never open it or see it again.

      Thanks so much for the hugs. I really needed them.

  4. Sig said

    Oh darling. Big hugs.

    I know the feeling because I have that same temper as well. I’ve never shown it to Evs but when I was living at home, my family environment brought out the worst in me. I remember having a massive fight with my sister and I threw a steel glass at her. It actually hit her and sliced her forehead. She had to go get stitches and now has a Harry Potter-esque scar. And every time I see that the guilt comes back to me. I hurt my baby sister. It’s horrifying to think that I did that with my own hands in a fit of rage.

    We still love each other so much, which eases the guilt a little.

    I can’t tell you what to do now, because it’s complicated and YOUR relationship. I know the hard truth is that if it was reversed we’d have everyone telling you that it’s not on, it’s abuse, leave etc but I also think that it’s your relationship. You won’t do it again, I know it.

    • Pepper said

      Oh God Siggy. I can imagine how seeing that scar on your sister must feel. I am glad it is past you and the love you have for each other is all that shines through after all these years.
      I am not even looking for solutions to this. I don’t think anything can be done now. I have to accept the fact that I did something like that.
      Deep down I know I won’t do something like that again either. Or maybe I hope.

  5. R's Mom said

    Awww! hugs darling..please dont feel guilty about this…I am sure Mint understands…I can totally relate to fighting like this in front of mom because I have done that too…and we came to blows as well 😦

    Its wrong and as long as you realised it, I am sure it wont get repeated…

    I am short tempered..very very short tempered and unfortunately so is RD…we both scream, shout and then shut up!

    My mom was shocked at the way we fought, later on told us that this was unacceptable and honestly, after that one fight, we have definitely improved…we only scream and shut up and say sorry! and of course fight again…our saturday fights are mandatory and thanks to the blog legendary now…Nuttie actually waits for me to write about the fights can you believe that!

    • Pepper said

      Yes, Mint understands. He didn’t make a big deal about this at all and is in fact so forgiving that it disturbs me more.
      You’ve come to blows during your fight ? 😦 But it is okay. Like you said, you know it will not happe again.
      I hardly stress over the fights. We argue and shout and get over it. Mostly we’re the love sick couple. Full blown fights like these seem to happen only when somebody else is around 😦
      Lol. I can see how legendary your fights are. Maybe you should give us more details. * Grins *

  6. scorpria said

    Well, been there, done that. And been treated with the same (if not more) love as before. And well, that was the first and last ever! I’ve NVR done it again. I guess that was the learning I needed, to make sure I never repeat it again. I have a temper too, and a rather quick and hot one. And Suraj, is FAMOUS ofr this everlasting patience and soft-spokenness. We still do have our fights and screams and all that — but well, a slap has never been repeated.

    I completely understand how you feel. I was enveloped by guilt too — for almost forever. Till once he made me sit on his lap and told me that he’s forgotten it, that I shouldn’t have done it, but that he understands what may have provoked me. He said he should’ve kept in mind that my patience level was even below half of his. it took me a much longer time to forgive myself and forget it (thanks for reminding me now! πŸ˜› :P)

    So, don’t worry — we all learn from our mistakes. I guess the ONLY advantage I had over you was that when this happened, we had no audience.

    • Pepper said

      Suraj is absolutely incredible Scorps. πŸ™‚
      My temper makes me explode but then I calm down in seconds and apologise if I am at fault. I don’t know how this particular episode got so bad.
      I am glad you were able to forgive yourself and forget about it..

  7. Bikram said

    Its called red mist. The anger I have done some stupid things like going after someone without backup, taking on something in fit of rage… Putting the accelarator down in rage….

    I am sure it will be fine it only takes a sorry πŸ™‚ and life wiould be bland without such hiccups.

    How are you both now…. Take care

    • Pepper said

      This happened a few days ago Biks. We’re both back to our old selves. I am the one who is having a hard time accepting this..

      • Bikram said

        You are fine Pepper … dont worry jsut one of those things.. next time remember this day before getting angry and you wont get this angry πŸ™‚

        moroever it is said love increases with all these little hiccups πŸ™‚ as long as you both know about it .. they say in punjabi ki Jithe do BHANDE hon Oh wajange meaning .. Where there are Two utensils they will bang and make a noise against each other πŸ™‚

        so dont worry .. a quick sorry , some nice food cooked a romantic dinner and all go went gone πŸ™‚

        Take care .

  8. SR said

    Hi Pepper,
    I have a volatile temper too and have regretted it many a times. But I have gotten better at controlling it. I know how miserable you feel, but don’t worry about it. As you said, we all learn from our mistakes.
    Btw, I am a big fan of your blogs, keep writing, you write really well πŸ™‚

  9. I can tell from your post that you are really regretting it. I can kinda feel how much hurt you are feeling – and also that this will not recur. I don’t know why. I guess we don’t repeat the things once we realise – really, fully realise – just how much they hurt your loved ones and you.
    Hope things are better now.

    • Pepper said

      Things with us are perfectly okay. I can’t say the same about me though. Yes, I am still feeling excessive hurt and can’t forgive myself. I can only hope this will never recur.

  10. ajay said

    That you wrote about it so candidly means you’ll certainly do better, Pepper πŸ™‚ Write a letter to Mint. It’ll much lessen the guilt. πŸ™‚

  11. Scribby said

    me no likey 😦

    But the good person that I know in you…I’m sure there will be no next time like this…I trust you !

    • Pepper said

      But I am really don’t think I am a good person Scribby. I’d never have done this if I were 😦

      • scorpria said

        This is my standard response too, after I do something bad! But well, you are good (as I am too :D) and am sure his incident, while it taught you a lesson, will in no way make mint judge you or love you any micron less. πŸ˜‰

      • Scribby said

        Like I said I trust you peppy…and if you weren’t a good person you would not have felt guilty πŸ™‚ cheer up and go hug mint once again πŸ™‚

        • Pepper said

          We’ve been hugging ‘extra’ since the time it happened. I am more at ease now and seem to have revived my faith in myself. I know I won’t repeat something like this. Thanks so much for trusting me the way you do Scribs πŸ™‚

  12. Nikita said

    I cant believe you did that… that too in front of your mother.. somehow i m not able to accept, whatever the case.

  13. Sands said

    Ok let me help you feel better. I did the same to the OH in front of my sister and her husband. I had my own reasons at that time and felt absolutely miserable. But you eventually get out of it and learn from your mistake. Has never happened again and it has always remained in my memory. Just like I can forgive other people but not forget what they did, I have learned to forgive myself but will never forget the incident :((

    • Pepper said

      I think learning from your mistakes is very important here. I suppose I will too, just like you did, though I know how hard it is to forget about such things..

  14. Mahes said

    Hugs Peppy. In my house, I am the one who screams and throws things, I try hard to be quiet in front of the kids. I have calmed down considerably in the recent years. One question though, why did Mint have to be so adamant? He knows that you were tired and not in a good mood, why did he have to take it too far? He could have just drove from where you stopped and avoided the whole thing. Anyway hugs again and feel better.

    • Pepper said

      I don’t know why he was so adamant Mahes. That is what got me really, really mad. I know I was at fault, but I told him he was just being difficult and revengeful. Guess it was cos of all the screaming I did. Even in the end, I think he should have had more consideration and driven back because I was just not upto it. But then after the slap I gave him and the names I called him, I can’t blame him for acting like a jerk at that time.

      • Scribby said

        I don’t know but I’m trying to guess ..may be Mint wanted you to not give up this time [driving on your own and finding the way] may be he was trying to coach you not give up and take up the challenge…just a thought !

        • Pepper said

          He did know that at that point, I would inevitably need his help in finding the way back and no route would register in my brain. I don’t know why he refused like that. He says he doesn’t have answers. He was just too angry at that time and didn’t wanna give in to what I was saying.

  15. I don’t judge you at all Pepper. And i will only speak about anger. Anger, like fear, is an emotion which removes reason and logic. The good news is that they both can be tamed.

    Imagine taking your anger over people who didn’t matter to you and hence didn’t make you feel guilty. Imagine the damage that could have been caused without you realising it. It is only because it was Mint, and he matters to you that guilt came in and you know the magnitude of your actions.

    I have told myself that holding a fear doesn’t make me a coward. Getting angry doesn’t make you bad or evil. Both are a sign of weakness that needs to be worked on.

    I agree with Nuttie that this post shd not be a reminder in the future. Hugs!

    • Pepper said

      Thank you for not judging me CR. I suppose I would have felt equally guilty had I done this with somebody who didn’t matter.
      I know anger is a weakness that needs to be worked on. Maybe this is a start..
      And perhaps you girls are right.. I won’t come back tot his post and use it to remind myself. Hugs!

  16. kamal said

    Driving in the US is an extremely irritating thing to learn especially for people like (us ) who have less sense of direction .On above of that the guess game is still more irritating. I know this because i have been there.Even though things did not get violent between me and hubby driving always ends in fighting.

    • Pepper said

      I actually think driving in the US is very easy compared to driving in India. Not understanding directions is what makes me feel so lost. Mint does not even like using a GPS. He thinks it makes us ‘dumb’ and we become too dependent on it. What he forgets is that I already am dumb in this regard. He has agreed to get one only now. Hopefully, things should be easier here on.
      Anyway, I know so many couples who fight because of driving.. πŸ™‚

  17. Chiquita said

    Firstly big tight hug…accepting and writing about this is one big step.
    Secondly, I have more respect for your mush stories now because I truly know it’s about in good times and in bad.
    Mint is a sweetheart…I was just thinking about the slap…I’m sure he pushed you to get that edgy…he tested your patience….he wanted you to explode and realise what you were doing. He did all of this so that you could shake up and learn.
    Yes, the slap was wrong…but this incident will help you learn and control your temper.
    The best forgiveness gift Mint would like right now is to see the change. So dump the guilt and work on calming the temper. Next time surprise him in a situation.
    Lots of love Pepper…chin up…and smile πŸ™‚

  18. Meenu said

    Hi Pepper…been a long time reader of your blog…delurking today!!! I can totally relate with you since i too had a similar incident when my parents were visiting. Usually we don’t really fight all that much but that day i don’t know what happened but both of us lost our cool and were screaming at each other and the situation was getting out of our control.
    My parents were stunned to say the least and thankfully didn’t interfere at that moment else i would have screamed at them too 😦 Anyways we realized our folly later and of course we patched up but even today when i think of the incident i feel very uncomfortable. We do have small silly fights and arguments but then this one was major! And of all the days we had to fight when my parents were visiting! Sigh!!!It was a silly issue and i still don’t know how we managed to blow it up so much.
    I can totally imagine how you must be feeling but then it is is good lesson for us isn’t it ? We will definitely be more careful from doing anything extreme the next time around, won’t we ? Also, i think you are very brave to put this up in your blog and i totally respect you for that. I am sure the guilt will fade away with time. And i must say this, i really admire Mint for being so patient and level headed.
    Anyways, may the good times continue and may you be happy with each other forever and ya, may you have small silly fights (otherwise life becomes boring,what says??)!!!!!!

    • Pepper said

      Hey Meenu. Thank you so much for delurking and sharing your experience.
      I don’t know why such things happen when we have parents around. Murphy at work? My mom tried calming me down and I ended up screaming at her too. 😦
      I am glad that one incident made you realise your faults and work on them. I hope we learn and exercise more control and caution the next time.
      Thanks a lot for your comment. Of course, life would be nothing more than a boring old bowl of sugar without silly fights πŸ™‚

  19. binpin said

    I can understand how frustration gets to us and sometimes we do things we feel like crap about later. But what is humbling is that you thought about it and realized what went wrong. As long as he knows that your act was unjustifiable and that you will not do it no matter what . Also understand that if he is upset over it for a couple of days its ok-just give him his time.I used to be such a patient person and then understandably over the last year ,I lose patience over nothing or get cranky soon. Exercise and meditating has helped a lot in general to be at peace with myself.I always say punish the crime not the criminal (and Im not calling you criminal here-hope you understand)- dont be hard on yourself-just reflect on what you did and why and what you could have done to avoid the situation. I also fully understand how frustrating it is when your not familiar with roads and driving around:(

    • Pepper said

      I would certainly understand and accept it if he were upset for a couple of days. But he seems to have overcome the incident.
      I should probably try exercising. If nothing else, it will at least relive stress and keep my body in check. I have been reflecting on all that happened and even trying to understand the deep rooted causes. If I fix all that, hopefully such an incident will never be repeated. Thanks a lot.

  20. neha said

    You know, my temper is also so nasty that I fear I will do something like this to S. But the worst I have done to him was use a swear word so bad, that even today I cringe when i think of it. And till that day he had never seen me swear at anybody..so it was quite a shocker for him.. 😦
    Trying to get the anger in control is a task in itself!

  21. Comfy said

    We are humans and we all make mistakes. Even big, humongous ones. But a mistake is meant to be learned from and them left behind. As in you have to move forward. What you do when put in a similar situation again is what counts in the long run. If you go ahead and do the exact same thing again then you get to the point where forgive and forget become difficult. A mistake the first time is just that a mistake.

    So talk it out, say you’re sorry, learn, remember the learning always, forgive yourself and move on.

    Sending lots of hugs your way.

    • Pepper said

      You’re right. And we already talked it out the very next day. With time, I will move on too. Thank you for the wonderful words and the hugs! πŸ™‚

  22. pixie said

    Oh sweetie – BIG HUGS!!

  23. I am sorry to hear this, Pepper. Take care. Forgiveness is all you both need now (which you already did). And have a heartful conversation with Mint.

    I am not pointing who is right or wrong. I think Mint shouldn’t have given you such hard time. And the slapping part is very regrettable. I still remember how i acted like a jerk when giving driving lessons to my wife. My wife would just stop the car in the middle of the road and walk away. I think husbands are bad at giving driving lessons to wives and it should be banned. πŸ™‚

    • Pepper said

      Thankfully, I’ve been quite used to driving on Indian roads for quite a long time. So driving here is relatively very easy. Asking him for directions is bad enough. I can’t imagine how it would have been if I had to ‘learn’ driving from Mint. Both of us would be shouting our lungs out. I agree, husbands teaching such things to wives should be banned.. πŸ™‚

  24. soulmate said

    The biggest apology is the guilt that you have inside. Atleast you have the courage to write the whole episode. To admit your mistake is a big characteristic anyone can possess. Talk it out with your hubby. Things will come back to normal.. Take care…

    • Pepper said

      We spoke about it at that time and things between us are absolutely normal. I was only trying to calm my own mind. And I think I am getting there.. Thanks Soulmate!

  25. Preethi said

    Hugs Pepper…very brave of you to pen it down here. I admire your honesty and the good thing is that you realised the reason and I see that you want to work on it.

    I am also very short tempered and sometimes our fights just blow out of proportions as well. I think Mint wanted you to overcome your fear of driving and insisted that you handle the situation.

    Cheer up my dear!

    • Pepper said

      I don’t really fear driving Preethi. It is only the directions that make me feel handicapped. And he knows that. He also knew that after the meltdown, no amount of instructions would register in my brain. So me driving was pointless. But anyway.. we’ve spoken about it and its gone past us. Hopefully both of us will be better behaved the next time.. πŸ™‚ Thanks a lot!

  26. Childwoman said

    Hey Pepper, hope you feeling better, love. Nothing really justifies the slap. But I really wish that MInt had seen how uncomfortable you were, and probably not in a mood to drive. And he could have let this go, specially when your mother was around.

    When one partner is behaving irrationaly, I suppose the other one can handle the situation a bit differently and then talk about it later.

    But like I said, no matter what, nothing justifies it. Its just the baddest feeling in the world right?

    I have had screaming matches. I have had loud arguments. One a particular bad day, I screamed at S in the crowdiest station in Mumbai. And he never said a word back that day.

    We left from the station, and he took me home in cool cab. And he let me cry on his shoulder.

    These things happen, and these things will make you value your husband and your relationship more. Its a part of growing up and growing closer I think!

    Good Luck Pepper! πŸ™‚


    • Pepper said

      I know absolutely nothing justifies the slap. But like you, I wished Mint had handled the situation differently too. Especially because he knew I wasn’t feel okay and cos mom was around. But I will end this here. Both of us made mistakes. Me, a bigger one than him. I told him the same thing, when one partner behaves irrationally, the other one has to take over and keep calm. Otherwise things blow out of proportion, the way they did in our case.

      I can now relate to the guilt you must have felt after screaming at S. It is always worse when they forgive us easily.

      I do believe it is a part of growing up and growing closer too. Thanks so much! Hugs πŸ™‚

  27. DI said

    I have a horrible temper too, and The Dude is the calmest, sweetest guy, who is obstinate but won’t raise his voice. I have not gotten physical, but I have said stuff I hated myself for later, one, because I know that it’s not true, two, because I know it hurt him. But we have to learn, and not do it again, as I am sure you won’t. So don’t kill yourself over it, but also remember it πŸ™‚
    One more small thing, it is ok to lose it once in a while, but never, ever, in front of an audience, even if it is someone as close as your mom. Because, somehow, that I feel, makes it worse.
    But sweetheart, things like this happen, and always end up making you a better person than before!

    • Pepper said

      I totally agree with you about not losing it in front of an audience. I totally hate it when that happens. But that seems to be the case every time :(. We rarely lose it this way when we’re alone. Its all good most of the times. I don’t knwo how things tend to get bad only when somebody else is around. But I suppose we just have to show more restrain at that time and then take it up later when we’re alone. Hopefully, we’ll learn. Thanks πŸ™‚

  28. Titaxy said

    big big hugs. the only thing you can do now if learn from your mistake and not repeat it. hope you are feeling better. hugs.

  29. Hugs dear, you are honest to your blog and writing here would have given you some inner peace, well we will not judge you on this incident. We all do have temper and that moment we forget the surroundings and our actions. We have fought so bad in front of both set of parents. My MIL surprised she thought people who does love marriage will only have Love and no fights. Well I think over the years we both have become matured, he understands what provokes me and I understand what irritates him. And with a kid around our priorities are so different. I am sure you and Mint will just forget this and move on..that is what life is all about..

    • Pepper said

      Wow. People who have a love marriage only love and never fight? That is awesome logic πŸ™‚
      Thanks LF. I know I learnt my lesson. And Mint seems to have moved on already. I know I won’t repeat this in the future..

  30. First – a big applause to the honesty that brought out such a post that some of us would think many times to even pen down. It is much easier to share happy times, as you said.

    During the initial years of marriage, we both acted like kids fighting in the school ground – literally. It might sound cute..but it wasn’t. Both of us would end up with scars and nail marks on the face or limbs..yes that kind of mutual abuse 😦 I regret those fights and seriously wish at least one fo us had mature sense.

    Things are better now..time does teach..if you are willing. And from what you wrote, you are more than willing to learn. If the anger tries to shoot up, give the silent treatment..shed a tear or two if you need, but screaming and raising your hand is a no no.I still constantly say this to myself..and at some point, it is working.

    On a lighter note – H is no way like any of the forgiving kinds. He’ll either hit back or fume with rage for looong and may throw my things. Finally when things cool down, he’ll make puppy eyes to show his scars ( invisible ones) and say “see, poor me” ..and I promptly go “See, poor me too” before kissing and making up πŸ™‚

    • Pepper said

      I feel a little more normal after I hear all these things. Yes, we all mature with time. Such unreasonable behaviour will not be repeated.
      Lol @ H’s behaviour πŸ˜€

  31. darkcomedy said

    Uh oh. This could NOT have been easy to write about. And I have no advise to offer, except that it happens. I’ve done something similar.. hurling a phone charger at the husband! In my case though, some things I have said make me cringe more.

    I don’t know.. anger is definitely something we need to control, but it’s very annoying to the short-tempered or easily-stressed person when the other calmer person makes too light of things or doesn’t react to what’s bothering you.. nobody seems to take that into account. I’m not justifying any of what you or I have done in the past, but just being calmer doesn’t put all the blame on the angrier person. Sometimes we are depending so much on the other person to say/ do the right things or just for comfort/ stress relief, it’s frustrating if they don’t get it. So try and control it, but also speak to him about what he might be doing wrong? In a few days, maybe. I’ve done this. My mom and husband are usually the recipients of my worst behaviour, whereas the actual people who are at the root of the anger get away with murder. I attribute this entirely to my extra comfort with these two people and my cowardice in front of all others.. and I have told both mom and the husband that in so many words. Ofcourse they’re not supposed to automatically forgive me for the hideous things I say just because I tell them they mean much more, but they’ve learnt to discount what I say in anger by about 90% anyway πŸ˜€ And I’ve made myself only one rule in this respect: When I get irritable, I eat something, gulp down some cold water and resolve to let an hour or so pass before I react. You’ll be amazed at how much clearer and straighter our second retorts are, if we let the first ones evaporate πŸ˜€

    I also get the part about getting clingier once your head clears up. It’s natural. But just smile, and let it go. What’s done is done. Try not to repeat it ever, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Say sorry, mean it.


    • Pepper said

      You know you are brilliant? You’ve put in words all that I really wanted to. That I *know* it was my fault, but he should have retained his calm. He always does actually. So I kind of expect that from him. This behaviour of his took me by surprise, and made me react in an awful way. Again, I know I have a lesson to learn.
      Thanks for telling me all that. Now I know I am not alone. Hugs!

  32. Swaram said

    Hugs Pepper! I so hope, wait, am almost sure u r better already with those warm embraces πŸ™‚

  33. dipali said

    Huge hugs, my dear. Fatigue is the enemy of love, of sanity…..
    I don’t think Mint was trying to provoke you, but I do wish he’d backed down once you’d lost the plot.
    I hope and pray that this is the last time you do something that makes you feel so miserable afterwards. Tons of love and peace to you both.
    I so get the part about having an audience. Happened recently when my grown up son was here. My only other excuse is that my husband and I have both been under a lot of stress recently, and were snapping at each other most unpleasantly.

    • Pepper said

      I wish the same. But what’s done is done. I hope this is the last time I feel this guilty. We’ve actually been under a hell lot of stress too. Perhaps its related to what happened.
      I hope things are sorted at your end now. πŸ™‚

      • dipali said

        They are, thanks, though the stress remains and the spouse lost his temper so badly with one of the kids, it was frightening. Peace has been restored, though, mercifully!

        • Pepper said

          A lot of that is attributed to stress 😦 .. I am glad peace has been restored for now. But as long as the levels of stress don’t abate, such episodes are likely to repeat. Sigh.
          Sending good wishes your way..

        • Pepper said

          A lot of that is attributed to stress 😦 .. I am glad peace has been restored for now. But as long as the levels of stress don’t abate, such episodes are likely to repeat. Sigh.
          Sending good wishes your way..

  34. su said

    i dont know what i can say that hasnt been said before. hugs, brave girl. and hugs to mint too.

  35. RS said

    Coming here too late – everyone’s already given you the hugs but here’s one more from me πŸ™‚ And Im really awed that you would put this one up here – so one more Hug for the honesty and the guts to right it out here!

    Now that things are fine – forget about it and move on. Just remember it the next time you see the red haze in front of your eyes and Im sure this will be a thing of the past…

    And Im so glad Mint understood – so lucky you! πŸ™‚

    • Pepper said

      Doesn’t matter how late you are RS. All that matters is that you spare some time to leave behind warm hugs for me. Thank you so much πŸ™‚

  36. OMG, I was reading two of your posts in two different windows, and clicked ‘like’ for this one instead of the other. So sorry.
    Fights happen, Pepper, and they happen all the more, when we have our parents/siblings around. Don’t worry! I’m in awe of you too , for having the courage to write this down, and to face it so well. I would have just kept mum about it and pretended to be a miss-goody-shoes!!

  37. Jack Point said

    Have you noticed that anger feeds on itself?

    If you let go and start shouting or screaming or letting loose, it tends to take hold and gets worse and worse.

    Whereas if you bite it back and stop, it does just simmers for a while and dies?

    I used to have a hot temper but not any more. When confronted with a problem what I do is try and get my mind into a framework like this:

    1. First tell myself, it is a mess, buts its done now, so only worry about correcting the issue, not about what has happened.

    2. No problem is insoluble, there is ALWAYS a solution.

    3. No problem is too costly or too big, unless its actually life threatening.

    4. No problem is going to be solved by shouting or throwing a tantrum anyway, you need to keep a calm head to find the solution.

    Now when I have an issue I keep telling myself its not the end of the world and try to work on a solution.

    It gets easier with practice and after a while is automatic. Keep trying this, it may work.

    • Pepper said

      You know you’re right. Though from what I’ve heard, its the other way. People ask you to scream, shout and vent so that your anger has an outlet. Suppressing it is apparently harmful for the body and mind. However, from my experience, keeping quiet for a while helps a great deal in calming your head. So yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks for telling me how to go about it. Hopefully I’ll gain some control over myself soon…

      • Jack Point said

        What I’ve noticed is that when you start to let go and shout the body moves into aggression mode.

        Heartbeat increases, adrenalin flows, testosterone flows. I think this is what makes it worse.

  38. Rachna said

    Pepper, first time here. I can see that you are feeling very guilty. I feel that there could be a lot of circumstances that can bring out the worst in a person. In your case, your anger was egged on. And most of the fights that take place or blow out of control actually happen due to very silly reasons, in hindsight. In an explosive situation, it is important for one partner to lose the fight or to at least be quiet if not calm. That is the only way to let things from going out of control. You need to find out why your husband could not see that and brought things to the stage that they did. But raising your hand was big. And, I really think that you both need to have a heart-to-heart conversation so that you can put this episode behind you. Also, you should either read up on anger management or seek some counselor’s advice in this regard. In these times of extreme stress, such situations are bound to repeat, leading you to the path of extreme anger outbursts again. Take care and wish you well.

    • Pepper said

      Hey Rachna. Thanks for sharing your input. Well, this incident happened in June 2011. It’s been more than 6 months. We had a heart-to-heart conversation the same day. There is no way we would have waited this long before sorting it out. Mint had had a bad day. I was tired. My hand raising occurred mainly because he was so provocative and challenging. He said my behaviour is what pissed him off. I am guessing it was just a case of the wrong things happening at the wrong time. I know it was big, but we’ve truly gone past this episode. Hopefully, it will never repeat. Writing it down here helped. I realised there are so many other couples who have gone through this and raised their hands at their respective partners. It helped me deal with this. Either way, I am always open to reading up on anger management. Thanks a lot for your wishes.

  39. ambo said

    Thanks for blogging this…I am a very short tempered person and very emotional inside. (when dealing with outsider I am a bigger wuss than you)…got married (6+yrs) on an impulse (though it was an arranged marriage, I thought I knew my guy…) but my short temper and his very practical (lets say emotionless) approach has dig a really great gap between us…I am really messed up…have been reading up your blog for the past two days(from the recent till here), making me realize so many things about me and my relationship with my husband & kids (ya i have 2 kids)…thank you…I left my job 3 yrs back to stay with kids. ya i think leaving the job & not wanting to fall into the domesticated category all have done me in…though i have been reading blogs(other) for 9 yrs now, I was very self conscious to start one…but I am going to write on a regular basis, as I now feel writing will really make me put things into perspective…even if not on a blog…thanks again…

    • Pepper said

      Hey Ambo.. thanks for commenting. Temper is a common weakness. Club that with somebody who can’t deal with emotions, and it truly results in a mess. I do hope you guys sort it out. My best wishes to you.

      And yes, please do write. It works like therapy. Will be great if you do start a blog, but even if not, do try and write somewhere, even if it just for your own eyes.

  40. […] am ashamed to say I have even raised my hand at MintΒ during a fight. I read through that post to understand the dynamics and the whole cycle of cause […]

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