Reevaluating my life..

I never laid out concrete plans for myself. I did things out of impulse mostly. I am okay as long as I have a vague idea of the direction I am heading in. But sometimes, I can’t see the road ahead from where I stand. And that is when I panic. Walking blindfolded into the unknown can scare anybody I suppose.

The people in my life matter the most to me, and as long as I have them close to me, the place I am in does not matter so much. For the most part, I let my instincts and my impulse guide me. When I was young, I was clear about one thing. I knew what I wanted to do in life. I wanted to become a Physical Therapist. I had seen my grand mom undergoing her physio therapy sessions, and I grew to love that profession. I loved the human body, I loved Biology as a subject. I was really good at it. I was topping my class most of the time. I had very little interest in Physics though, and Math scared me. But in order to secure a seat to study Physio therapy, I would have to clear (and top) the Physics and Math sections of the paper too. One fine day, I decided I didn’t want it. Al though I had filled out all the forms for my entrance test, I decided to not write it. Just because I didn’t want to deal with Physics and Math, not even momentarily. I had taken up Science, purely for my love for Biology, and in particular, Physio Therapy as a field. And now when the time had come to give it a shot, I backed out impulsively.

Most of my choices in life have been impulsive. I impulsively decided to switch to another very different field. I forayed into Media. Marketing and Advertising is what I majored in. Somewhere along the path of my life, I met my ex. As much as I would want to call the whole episode with him, a big mistake, I won’t. Because it taught me a lot of lessons in life. He did however rob me of all the faith I had. My faith in the male species. At another stage where I met Mint, I was terrified of the whole idea of falling in love, of being in a relationship, of trusting somebody again. At the same time, I felt like I was being carried away by the currents, being pushed towards him. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t.

At this point in life, I was very confused and messed up. I held a lot of fears because of my past with the monster boyfriend, at the same time, I could not wipe out the faint ray of hope of a future with Mint. I decided to clear my head, by getting a new life. I applied for my Masters in UK, impulsively. I switched my field yet again. From Advertising and Marketing to Human Resource Management. I had my reasons of course, but it was not something I gave a lot of thought to. I did it mainly because I felt like doing it. That is how I operate, by feeling.

By the time I moved to UK, I had made up my mind to give Mint a chance. We were inseparable. I also realised I missed my family a hell lot. I was living all alone, a cold and lonely existence. I lacked what was most important to me. The presence of my people. Mint and I decided to get married soon after I finish my Masters. I knew I didn’t have much time to live at home with my parents, so I moved back to India the moment I could. And just a few months after I completed my thesis, I got married. So many people asked me then, if at 23, I was sure I knew I was doing the right thing by getting married. I was sure I said. I had no answers or reasons to give, but it just felt right. Mint and I really wanted to live with each other and start a life together. And once we were really committed, marriage seemed like nothing more than a formality. So like everything else in my life, I didn’t give marriage too much thought.

I got married and moved to the US. For the first time in my life, I questioned myself. Now what? What am I supposed to do with my life hereon? I was on a H4 (Dependent visa) that does not permit me to work. Yes, I was aware of this clause even before I got married, but at that time, I thought I could switch to my own work visa (H1) or figure something out. Like I said, I hadn’t given it much thought. After moving here, I didn’t quite know what to do. But either way, I was okay with whatever came my way.

I always viewed this phase of my life as a temporary one. Once we get our EAD, I will be allowed to work. The EAD, which stands for Employment Authorization Document, is a part of the Green Card that gives you a work permit. Our EAD would take another year or so to come through. I thought that was fine. I didn’t mind not working during this period. I’ve always led a very fast paced life. College, deadlines, interns, the works. I thought this would be a good opportunity to pause and contemplate. Also, this phase would give me a chance to do things I wanted to do, for which I never found time earlier.

It all looked very easy in the beginning. But I soon realised, the world I lived in was destroying my sense of self worth because I was not working. I’ve been a mess. I’ve had to hear all sorts of people. Some girls would make sure they rubbed it in by telling me they can’t even imagine not earning their own money. Some others would tell me how fiercely independent they were, how they would never ever be able to stay home, ‘doing nothing’. I do understand the purpose of those remarks was not to take a dig at me, but it did just that. Most of us today like the idea of being able to fend for ourselves. I’ve had to swallow a bitter pill  in order to accept my situation, even if it is temporary. But hearing those statements is the last thing I want.

There were others who would express shock when they found out I was not working, especially because I had just finished my Masters. I was told I was wasting myself. I wish I was confident enough to tell them what I wanted to. Instead, I kept quiet and sobbed silently.

All that was okay, what I truly dreaded was meeting new people. Because the first question I would be asked would be ‘So what do you do?’. I don’t blame them for asking me that. That is the most common conversation starter. But I have not been able to figure out an answer for that one. Ask anybody that question and they’ll tell you about their job, and what they do for a living. Or else some of them say they are a homemaker. I can’t even say that, because honestly, I am not one. I don’t really make a home. Maintaining my home tires me out and I barely manage to keep it going.  It would have been a lot easier had I had some domestic help. But doing every little thing by yourself takes away all my energy, and I don’t really do it well. So when people want to know what I do, I don’t really know what to say.

It never ends there. The moment I say ‘I am not working’. I am subjected to another lousy question. One I abhor from the bottom of my heart. Every single person around me wants to know ‘So what do you do all day long?’. It appalls me and makes me cry . Is there no other life other than work? Have we reached a stage where we can’t even fathom an existence without a job? Surely life is more than just being a corporate slave. There’s a lot I do during my day. But when I have to answer people, it makes me feel so futile, like I have to justify the purpose of my life to them.

I think I’ve now reached my saturation point. I can’t deal with people anymore. I can continue facing them bravely and ask them to ‘F*ck Off’ if they bother me, or I can hide in my own private world where nobody questions me. Either ways, I am done with this crap.

I’ve spent some quality time by myself, I’ve done some good reading, I’ve explored the art of cooking, I’ve traveled, I’ve taken a break I am thankful for. I was content doing all this, and didn’t think of doing more. We had other other issues preventing us from viewing this place as a permanent home. Mint’s MBA for one. We didn’t know if and when we’d end up moving to another coast. It was unsettling to live like that, and so I never laid any focus on establishing and planting my life here. I didn’t want to uproot myself again. But now, we’ve made our decisions and we don’t intend moving anywhere anytime soon. So I want to think of what I will do. I have a year in  my hands, that I don’t want to let go of. After that, I’ll have our EAD and life will revolve just around work and home. I want to do something worthwhile before I go back to the rat race. A lot of people ask me to study some more. I am open to that, but it is not a preferable option. I feel like I just got done with my Masters. I don’t have the energy and the money to invest in another degree, all over again. I can consider volunteering for some organisation, if anything interests me. It is time to look into all of that and reevaluate my life.