Hope is all we have

Dear Mother in law,

I am writing a letter to you that you will never read. I hope I am able to translate all my emotions and feelings for you in words.

You are a nice person. I’ve said that before and I will say that again. When I hear other girls talk about the wretched things their moms in law have said or done, I realise how trivial my problems are. You are not evil or wicked, you are simply too self righteous and rigid. It makes it harder for me to deal with it because I know you have good intentions. But this attitude of yours is destroying the peace, both yours and mine. Maybe you should try and stop viewing things as right and wrong. No, you are not always right. Neither am I. We are just different. Please respect that difference instead of trying to change me? That will only be possible if you step down from your throne of self righteousness.

I want to reach out to you. I promise I do. You just make it very hard for me to do that. Because you are constantly judging me. Every word, every thought, every action of mine is assessed and evaluated by you and then marked as either “Right” or “Wrong”. I feel like I am constantly put to test. That makes me stress over my performance and worry about my scores. I can’t ever be myself because I constantly try to give you my best performance. Sometimes I actually think you’ve come here just to test me, not to spend time with us. It’s tiring. I wish you would be open enough to accept me the way I am.

Everybody keeps telling me to not bother. They tell me not to try so hard to please you. But you know what? My heart goes out to you when I see you unhappy. I want you to be a happy person. But the key is in your hands, not mine. I can do my best to please you and you can still feel sorry for yourself because of the choice your son made. Or you can join us in our celebration, realise how happy we are and participate in our joy.

Let’s try to fix the barriers that stand tall between us? To start with, please understand that a home can be run by both a man and a woman. I know I am your daughter in law and you can’t view me any other way. I carry the burden of your expectations . But I cannot be responsible for every single task at home. I get tired. And at times I just don’t want to do it. Please accept that. Your son is a terrific partner. Instead of appreciating that, you consider your son to be “too nice”, you think he is someone who indulges me all the time. Well, that might be true to an extent. But you think I am someone who takes advantage of his niceness. Please trust me some more? He is most precious to me and I ensure nothing causes him harm. If he is tired, I don’t expect him to move a finger. If I am tired, he takes over. We’ve a great partnership going. If you can’t get yourself to trust me, maybe you should try trusting him? Trust him to have some brains. Trust him to not be a puppet in my hands.

You are of course welcome to express your opinions, even if they don’t sound too pleasant to me. But that is where you should stop. Do not question me. Say what you have to and then let go instead of demanding explanations for choices that we make. I see you are particularly disturbed by our spending pattern and believe we blow a lot of money. Perhaps we do. I know you mean well and want us to save more at this stage, but please understand that what we do is ultimately our choice. Your son is an adult. I know he will always be your child, but do not forget he is an adult. Have more faith in his choices. Trust him, even if you can’t trust me. You never force us to do what you want, you only demand a million explanations. That bothers me. You know we have different priorities? Having a few thousand dollars in your account might be yours. Having fun at this stage in life might be ours. Again, there is no right or wrong here. It is all “different”. The word is “different”. Stop believing we are in the wrong. Stop expecting us to change.

I can see how unhappy and miserable you are. You consider yourself to be an unsuccessful mother. You believe your sons don’t have the right values and are not close to their roots. Why? Because one of them chose his own partner? Because one doesn’t wake up in good time every morning? Because they do things you don’t approve of? Going to a club to dance and party is marked as “wrong” in your book of records. Alcohol is a very “wrong” word, underlined in red ink. You refuse to see the other point of view. As a result, your children choose to keep their lives secret from you. They don’t want to battle it out with you all the time.

Don’t you want to be close to them? That can happen only if you let go of your rigid views. I know how hard it is for you. I know the background you come from, and the way you are conditioned to think. But just try. It’s not impossible. Maybe you can use logic to judge our actions instead of using self created morals. For example,  alcohol might be harmful, but it is not morally wrong. Trust your son enough to know he won’t exceed his limits or abuse his body. Allow him to make his own decisions. You cannot control their lives forever. Just trust people around you.

Why do you have so many trust issues? Nobody has broken your trust so far. Both your sons are amazing people. Believe me. Why do you distrust them so much then? You impose so many restrictions on them because you always fear their actions. You give them no freedom because you are worried they will do “wrong” things. You don’t trust me an inch. You don’t think I care enough about your son. What is all this leading to? Just more distance between you and your children. And more sadness and anxiety for you.

I really hope one day you stop bothering about the society, and all these socially constructed norms that rule your life. I hope one day you stop labeling everything as right and wrong and learn to respect differences. I hope one day you let go of all your doubts and fears. They are termites. They are eating you up. Learn to trust people. Build your faith. Free yourself!

Love and hope,

Your daughter in law