A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

Putting an end..

Posted by Pepper on December 16, 2012

I think my life right now is in a very warm, happy phase. Until a few months ago, there were too many varying factors that kept me on the edge. Right now, I see things are in place. More or less. And I can’t not be grateful.

My parents health is stable. * Touchwood a million times *. The recent spate of illnesses in my family was robbing my peace of mind. I was perpetually distressed. My parents had to undergo periodic blood tests, and along with that, I underwent periodic bouts of tension. Worrying about the results and waiting for tests reports is one of my worst nightmares. My dad still has to get biweekly tests done, but thankfully the results are showing a stable pattern now.

My job was killing me, for multiple reasons. I never ended up writing about it. Anyway, I was able to work a way out, albeit temporarily. For now though, I am happy. There is no discord in my professional life. I face no strife or turmoil. This relaxed work environment is priceless.

Dealing with the physical distance from Mint was tiring me. I consumed all my energy in convincing myself that I could do it. It is strange, the amount of energy feeling different emotions can extract out of you. But really, missing him continuously, and resisting the urge to talk to him when he was busy in class would make me feel utterly exhausted by the end of the day. Thankfully, a few months ago, I noticed our situation improve drastically. Mint was more available. He spent a good 8 days with me during Diwali. 3 weeks later, he was back in Bombay again. He spent another week with me and left only two days ago. In less than 10 days, we’ll be together again. For a good week or so. So you get the picture, his prolonged presence in my life has made a world of a difference to my mental state. Also, we’ve almost reached the end of his course. A little less than 3 more months and we’ll be done. I feel relief.

So now that all those aspects of my life are taken care of, I see no reason to feel any kind of emotional upheaval. So why then, are my reactions so turbulent? It is inexplicable. I realise I need to take control right now, instead of being a slave to my emotions. Earlier, I gave myself some leeway because I believed there were some tribulations in my life. Now I don’t have any excuse that can justify my reactions.

Incident # 1: My job demands I be very well versed with Excel. Excel has scared me for the longest time, but I realised I had no option but to conquer my fear. I also had to make use of my biggest resource – Mint. Mint is a genius when it comes to Excel. So while he was here, he spent some time teaching me. At one point, I realised he was teaching me the more advanced stuff before really strengthening my basic concepts. The whole exercise of learning Excel was beginning to intimidate me. I was lost and overwhelmed by the speed at which he was teaching me. So I snapped and told him this was no way to teach. He had to be more structured. I didn’t want to learn from him anymore, I’d use online tutorials. My dad who was around, told me I was being too unreasonable. That’s it. That statement from my dad combined with Mint’s way of teaching me made me lose it. I screamed, and fell into a pile on the floor, sobbing. Bawling. Telling everybody to leave me alone. Nobody understands me. The tears, cries and jagged breathing wouldn’t stop. Now I wonder, what the hell happened that caused me to breakdown like that?

Incident # 2: My dad is going to be flying to Manila for a wedding in February. He asked me to book his air tickets. I in turn, outsourced it to Mint. So in total, we had to book 6 air tickets, including stop overs. This would take a minimum of half an hour, especially since he wanted to travel in the same flights as his friends. We had to ensure we make no mistake in our bookings. This was the day we had to go to my aunt’s place for lunch. My dad asked me by when we could leave. I told him we would take another 30 minutes atleast, if he wanted the tickets to be booked now. That’s too much time, he exclaimed. He then went on to tell me we were delaying it too much. I snapped. I told him we were delaying it because we had to book HIS tickets. Not because we had other commitments. Mint casually asked me to calm down. He then committed the grave blunder of reminding me of Incident # 1 and said I had to really learn to be more calm. That was it. I hated him for bringing that up. I lay sobbing into my pillow, telling him I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to go for lunch. That incident was a very vulnerable spot, and I sobbed because it felt like he hit where it hurt. There is no denying that my reaction was excessive though.

So, really, what causes such melt downs? Why would each episode result in me crying? My life is pretty much on track and I am in a happy place right now. I suppose I need to stop searching for excuses that justify my behaviour. Let me just accept, it happens because I allow it to happen. It will stop when I command it to stop. The reigns to my exterior lie in my hands.

Yesterday, I resolved to stay calm. It wasn’t hard at all, because nothing unusual happened. My real test will be when I find myself stretching my patience beyond a point. I aim to hold back unnecessary tears and keep my voice low at all times. Let’s see how this goes.

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20 Responses to “Putting an end..”

  1. Even i dwell upon my own behavior many times and evaluate what reaction was uncalled for, and where i need to improve 🙂 NIce blog..all the best for ur resolve

  2. Hmm during my training days I remember my instructor telling me always . Take smaller steps.. slow your walk.. it use to make me furious.. in frontbof everyone.. he would speak in that Mic my collar number and say slow..

    At one stage I would have left the job.. but now I know why.. I had that Indian thing me to be the best. . Reach the scene first.. always.. that meant I would be tired if I was running. . Or out of breath anything..

    So I slowed it took 2or 3 steps more that meant I had 2 or 3 more seconds to assess and seeeeee..

    I know this is nothing to do with what you have said.. but being calm taking that extra second helps always…

    Sorry if I have gone on a tangent here

  3. R's Mom said

    Aiyo, you call that meltdown..that happens everytime RD or Appa try to teach the technologically challenged me something new 😦 I get fed up, I shout, I cry and basically throw a tantrum, till the man who fathered me asks me whether I am the four year old of the house 😦

    Big big hugs okie..

    I hope things fall in place fast at work and at excel *Shudders at the very name of excel, but I use it extensively too*

    And touchwood on the good health 🙂

  4. Somehow, I see what is happening…. I am guilty of regularly having such bouts of, errr, tantrums?!?(I am sorry).
    I have started to calm myself down by saying that I cant always have things my way…. Reading your earlier posts about Mints’s job offers and he leaving the decision-making on you completely, he is exactly like my BF…. I feel guilty a lot of times when I think how he never expresses what he wants and always leaves things on my decisions, saying, “I will do what you want.” Somehow, being the only daughter, and having such a guy in my life, I have gotten used to the attitude of its my way or the highway… Ugghh, I feel so bad saying this and admitting it…. But if there is a slight disagreement or such things, I flare up! My voice rises, I end up crying and shouting and making such scenes….
    I feel you are vulnerable, reading about your anxiety attacks and worries, where you lose yourself and end up in a turmoil…. I am similar… I just end up being extremely panicky…. I dont know what to do, but realised that repeating “Stay calm” to myself in my head, feels much better….

    • Pepper said

      Haha.. So in short, I am a brat who throws tantrums and creates a scene when I can’t have my way eh? 😛 Well, it really goes beyond that. It’s rarely the ‘It’s my way or the highway’ thing in play. I haven’t grown up in that kind of an environment. Neither is Mint the guy who always agrees with me. In fact, far from it. He may want me to be the decision maker when it comes to all the big things. But when it comes to everyday issues, he is the last person to give in to me without an argument 😛 And that is okay, I don’t expect people to agree with me or abide by what I say.. I can handle disagreements perfectly well.

      What I feel I lack is patience. And I think I need large reserves of it in order to handle some people around me. I snap when I think people aren’t ‘getting’ a simple fact or statement I’ve made. When they are repetitive without understanding the crux of the argument. Or when they hit a vulnerable spot.

      Either way, trying to stay calm is the need of the hour.

  5. Jazz said

    Oops, take care Pepper.

    And so glad you guys are getting more time to spend together which must be very relaxing and just 3 more months, so happy for you. 🙂

  6. Ashwathy said

    I have my days. I don’t think you are very different, either. Sometimes you snap. In my case it is mostly with my brother. He has a way of getting under my skin. Hubby often asks me to calm down… but I get bothered.

  7. ashreyamom said

    hmmm.. i too cry at drop of the hat.. find it really difficult to control my tears.. hugs girl..

  8. Hmm…..at times when I behave like that, I know soon after that it is stress. Trying to identify and manage it when I recognize it’s coming. I haven’t been too successful, but nowadays, I take a few deep breaths before I say anything and that helps. Remembering this has helped a LOT – http://momwithadot.blogspot.com/2012/04/why-we-shout-in-anger.html

  9. Anon said

    Oh Pepper, hugs to you! Trust me, I am the same dramatic queen every couple weeks or so…. I am sure your emotions will calm down soon. There seems to be something subconsciously bothering you and I am sure you will figure things out. Until then dont worry so much about it. We all have our moments of vulnerability and thats what family is for, to support you through it without judgement.

  10. Realizing there is something to change from within..and resolving to work on it – That, my dear, is the biggest step of them all. Three cheers to that. Hope you attain all that you plan to..patience wise 🙂

    Meanwhile, I’ll go back and re-new my resolve to stay calm and raise my voice less, especially with H 😀

  11. Seems like you have enough consciousness now..so you will be fine next time. Take it easy. We have all been there.
    Btw, I went crazy by the time murali finished his MBA. Stressful work , bad weather, no social life..and living with a person who is busy 24 * 7..was tough. Maybe you are going through the rough patch too.
    Hope you are feeling better now 🙂

    • Pepper said

      Ah, I’ve had a lot of folks say the same thing. Damn this post marriage MBA! That is precisely why I chose to not live on campus while MInt was studying. I know it would drive me mad. So things for me have not been as bad. I’ve stayed with my parents, I’ve been busy and happy and I’ve had a great social life. It is what has kept me sane.. if I can call myself that.

  12. Pepper, this sounds very much like incidents that happen in my life, like I said earlier many of your actions are same as mine, like the way I react to similar incidents. I too was going through guilt trips, I will write about it. I want to change myself.

  13. techie2mom said

    Hey Hugs…I too scream and cry like this at times (especially when Zini is giving me tough times). what i recently came to know is Vitamin B12’s low level is sometimes responsible for making you feel low.
    And being a vegetarian who hates milk, i had high deficiency of B12, after i started taking supplements i have realized that my mood swings have reduced and i am generally feeling good. you can get yours checked to see if this is not the reason behind you having meltdowns at times…

  14. Reema said

    Looks its just stress..I lose temper at times but never crying and bawling.

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