Pepper
I love writing posts that are joyous. They come to me easily. Writing about your hurt on the other hand, calls for some courage. To admit that your life is not as merry as you would like it to be is not easy. But here I am. Acknowledging the imperfections and baring myself. Well, it isn’t hard to guess that I feel very sullen and disturbed at the moment.
I’ve had two lousy fights with Mint in two days. It is emotionally draining. Moreover, the fights are so ridiculous, it gets me mad that the two of us can have such enormous fights over nothing! Ofcourse, in my mind, Mint is responsible for blowing it out of proportion. According to him, it is all my doing.
Two days ago, Mint and I were driving back from somewhere. He was at the wheel. Traffic was particularly chaotic at one junction. The car adjacent to us brushed against our side view mirror. It was such a minor collision, I did not believe it caused even a scratch. The driver in the other car looking into our car, mouthed a ‘sorry’ and raised his hand in apology. I smiled at him and told him it was okay with a gesture of my hand.
The next thing I know, Mint is racing up to that car and glaring at the driver with all his might. I turned to Mint and said, ‘Why are you glaring at him like this? The guy said sorry already’. Mint asked me, ‘When did he say sorry?’. I was surprised Mint had missed the silent mouthing and the hand gestures. So I told him, ‘He did show his hand’. Mint’s next sentence is what made me see red. His exact words were, ‘He did not show his hand’.
Huh? That statement can have only two implications. Either I am hallucinating. Or I am lying. I was furious beyond words. Because this is not the first time Mint has thoughtlessly dismissed something I have said. I instantly unbuckled my seat beat. I wanted to tap on the window of that car and get the driver to admit to Mint that he had indeed said sorry. I had this burning urge to furnish some evidence. Sometimes I have this undying need to prove myself when I know I am right. I didn’t even utter a word to Mint, but my expressions and action (the anger with which I unbuckled myself) may have conveyed to Mint just how furious I was.
My fury is what got him furious. ‘Why do you have to get so mad at everything? Why do you react like that. Why do you want to pick up a fight all the time?’. I couldn’t believe he had the gall to say that after passing that statement. When I asked him, he said he meant ‘He didn’t see the guy showing his hand’. Well then, your wording was all wrong. And that tends to happen all the time, he doesn’t word his statements right. Why can’t you watch what you say, I ask him? Why do you always stick to words, he asks me? He was screaming. It was only feeding my rage.
I had not even said a word to Mint when he passed that statement, let alone shouted at him the way I wanted to. He got that mad only seeing my expression and watching me unbuckle my seat belt. I thought that was unfair beyond words. Here I am, showing enough restrain to not scream when you dismiss something I have said with so much conviction. But do I not have the space and freedom to even react silently? My expression wasn’t even voluntary. I don’t think I was even conscious of it. And he had to pick at how angry I looked instead of apologising for a wrongly worded statement he made?
No, we didn’t sort this issue out. We merely stopped talking about it. I continued to blame him. He continued to blame me. We decided to let go. But I am sure this stayed between us. It sure stayed inside me. I always need closure and leaving something open ended like that bothers me deeply.
I do not have the energy to write about our second dispute. But it was *exactly* the same as the first one. He passed an unfair statement. Yes, he agreed later that the statement was unfair. This statement came after I had gone out of my way to do something for him. Obviously, when I heard that statement, I reacted and asked him what he meant by that. I know I sounded angry, but I maintain I was well within my right to exhibit atleast some anger after I had done so much for him. No, I didn’t expect a thank you from him. But the last thing I expected was that statement. And that is how it began again. Him screaming and asking me why I have to shout and fight for everything? After all, he was only asking me a question. The accusation always feels like a slap on my face.
So that has been the formula for our recent fights. He says something inappropriate. I react. He reacts because I react. And it goes on. I am guessing I can just put an end to all this unpleasantness if I do not react to the things he says and does, but that I think is very unfair and difficult. It will suffocate me if I am forced to always suppress my reactions. Even if my reactions are not extreme, he still expects me to have NO reaction and tell him whatever I have to say in a very calm and zen way, irrespective of how outrageous I find his words. Hah! Perhaps that doesn’t sound unreasonable, but it does not come easy.
We haven’t spoken after our last fight. It has been an entire day. He went on to watch a movie on TV right after we fought while I paced around, disturbed. How does he do it? And his behaviour is so out of character. I kept wondering what happened to my ever patient, ever caring and affectionate Mint? When I tried to swallow my ego and talk to him, he flatly refused to have any conversation with me. Great. He even left the house to go on and complete some chores without informing me. When I called him and asked him if he cared to let me know before he left, he just told me a cold ‘No’. I hung up, feeling a sudden ache in my gut.
I really wonder if I deserve such nastiness. Since those accusations have been hurled fast and thick, I have asked him if that is how he perceives me. Somebody who only loves to fight with him for no reason. On the other hand, I am the one who feels hurt by his thoughtless remarks and yet he is the one who blames me in the end.
And so he continues to sit on his throne of self righteousness. I really wish he would want to come up to me to console me instead of withdrawing like this. I know I did my part by trying to make amends with him, twice. We need to communicate with each other and figure out what is bothering us so much. I tried to get him to talk. It wasn’t easy going up to him when I expected him to come to me. I had to crush my pride. And yet, all I got from him in the end was arrogance and a blatant lack of will to make peace. So I let go. I know it is pointless to try again. Besides, my pride (or is it self respect?) will not permit me to go up to him once again. So I spend my day feeling distressed, angry and sad, while I suspect he goes about without much remorse? I don’t know. I am just so done with it all.
