A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

From a glass wall..

Posted by Pepper on October 28, 2014

I love writing posts that are joyous. They come to me easily. Writing about your hurt on the other hand, calls for some courage. To admit that your life is not as merry as you would like it to be is not easy. But here I am. Acknowledging the imperfections and baring myself. Well, it isn’t hard to guess that I feel very sullen and disturbed at the moment.

I’ve had two lousy fights with Mint in two days. It is emotionally draining. Moreover, the fights are so ridiculous, it gets me mad that the two of us can have such enormous fights over nothing! Ofcourse, in my mind, Mint is responsible for blowing it out of proportion. According to him, it is all my doing.

Two days ago, Mint and I were driving back from somewhere. He was at the wheel. Traffic was particularly chaotic at one junction. The car adjacent to us brushed against our side view mirror. It was such a minor collision, I did not believe it caused even a scratch. The driver in the other car looking into our car, mouthed a ‘sorry’ and raised his hand in apology. I smiled at him and told him it was okay with a gesture of my hand.

The next thing I know, Mint is racing up to that car and glaring at the driver with all his might. I turned to Mint and said, ‘Why are you glaring at him like this? The guy said sorry already’. Mint asked me, ‘When did he say sorry?’. I was surprised Mint had missed the silent mouthing and the hand gestures. So I told him, ‘He did show his hand’. Mint’s next sentence is what made me see red. His exact words were, ‘He did not show his hand’.

Huh? That statement can have only two implications. Either I am hallucinating. Or I am lying. I was furious beyond words. Because this is not the first time Mint has thoughtlessly dismissed something I have said. I instantly unbuckled my seat beat. I wanted to tap on the window of that car and get the driver to admit to Mint that he had indeed said sorry. I had this burning urge to furnish some evidence. Sometimes I have this undying need to prove myself when I know I am right. I didn’t even utter a word to Mint, but my expressions and action (the anger with which I unbuckled myself) may have conveyed to Mint just how furious I was.

My fury is what got him furious. ‘Why do you have to get so mad at everything? Why do you react like that. Why do you want to pick up a fight all the time?’. I couldn’t believe he had the gall to say that after passing that statement. When I asked him, he said he meant ‘He didn’t see the guy showing his hand’. Well then, your wording was all wrong. And that tends to happen all the time, he doesn’t word his statements right. Why can’t you watch what you say, I ask him? Why do you always stick to words, he asks me? He was screaming. It was only feeding my rage.

I had not even said a word to Mint when he passed that statement, let alone shouted at him the way I wanted to. He got that mad only seeing my expression and watching me unbuckle my seat belt. I thought that was unfair beyond words. Here I am, showing enough restrain to not scream when you dismiss something I have said with so much conviction. But do I not have the space and freedom to even react silently? My expression wasn’t even voluntary. I don’t think I was even conscious of it. And he had to pick at how angry I looked instead of apologising for a wrongly worded statement he made?

No, we didn’t sort this issue out. We merely stopped talking about it. I continued to blame him. He continued to blame me. We decided to let go. But I am sure this stayed between us. It sure stayed inside me. I always need closure and leaving something open ended like that bothers me deeply.

I do not have the energy to write about our second dispute. But it was *exactly* the same as the first one. He passed an unfair statement. Yes, he agreed later that the statement was unfair. This statement came after I had gone out of my way to do something for him. Obviously, when I heard that statement, I reacted and asked him what he meant by that. I know I sounded angry, but I maintain I was well within my right to exhibit atleast some anger after I had done so much for him. No, I didn’t expect a thank you from him. But the last thing I expected was that statement. And that is how it began again. Him screaming and asking me why I have to shout and fight for everything? After all, he was only asking me a question. The accusation always feels like a slap on my face.

So that has been the formula for our recent fights. He says something inappropriate. I react. He reacts because I react. And it goes on. I am guessing I can just put an end to all this unpleasantness if I do not react to the things he says and does, but that I think is very unfair and difficult. It will suffocate me if I am forced to always suppress my reactions. Even if my reactions are not extreme, he still expects me to have NO reaction and tell him whatever I have to say in a very calm and zen way, irrespective of how outrageous I find his words. Hah! Perhaps that doesn’t sound unreasonable, but it does not come easy.

We haven’t spoken after our last fight. It has been an entire day. He went on to watch a movie on TV right after we fought while I paced around, disturbed. How does he do it? And his behaviour is so out of character. I kept wondering what happened to my ever patient, ever caring and affectionate Mint? When I tried to swallow my ego and talk to him, he flatly refused to have any conversation with me. Great. He even left the house to go on and complete some chores without informing me. When I called him and asked him if he cared to let me know before he left, he just told me a cold ‘No’. I hung up, feeling a sudden ache in my gut.

I really wonder if I deserve such nastiness. Since those accusations have been hurled fast and thick, I have asked him if that is how he perceives me. Somebody who only loves to fight with him for no reason. On the other hand, I am the one who feels hurt by his thoughtless remarks and yet he is the one who blames me in the end.

And so he continues to sit on his throne of self righteousness. I really wish he would want to come up to me to console me instead of withdrawing like this. I know I did my part by trying to make amends with him, twice. We need to communicate with each other and figure out what is bothering us so much. I tried to get him to talk. It wasn’t easy going up to him when I expected him to come to me. I had to crush my pride. And yet, all I got from him in the end was arrogance and a blatant lack of will to make peace. So I let go. I know it is pointless to try again. Besides, my pride (or is it self respect?) will not permit me to go up to him once again. So I spend my day feeling distressed, angry and sad, while I suspect he goes about without much remorse? I don’t know. I am just so done with it all.

58 Responses to “From a glass wall..”

  1. If you can swallow your ego and go down on your knees to *just* get the fight sorted out, you’ll make progress. Do something cute, like kaan pakadke sorry or randomly whip out a rose or something… Then ask to sit and talk about it. Accuse, yell, get frustrated, tear up, yell some more and then hug it out. The nastiness will dissipate in a second for the love is greater than temporary anger and that is the reason you are together.

    Source: Tried and tested formula. If I do this once, the next time, even if it is not his fault, he does it for me. Give and take. And it works for us. The negative feelings never last. *touchwood*

    Also, never ever go to bed without resolving a fight. Ever. Make it a relationship thing. Start now, if you don’t follow this already.

    Source: My Grandma’s secret to a happy married life that lasted 45 years.

    • Pepper said

      I really agree with your formula, lekin to get there if I have to do kaan pakadke sorry, then would it really convey to him how hurt I have been? Would he understand at all?

      And never going to bed without resolving a fight. I’ve heard that so many times. I wish we adhered to it. We wake up and make up and hug and cuddle the next day, but going to bed without resolving a fight does not seem to be a big deal to Mint. I hate it though.

  2. I am the same sort who does not like leaving things open ended and need a closure. If I don’t get closure I feel like all my nerves have twisted and jangled. I know how you must be feeling. Communication is always the key. Try to have honest communication without anger, judgement and blame. It is very difficult to not have all these 3 but only then does communication in my experience. It is important to not categorize any feeling as right or wrong, should not behave like this or that but rather try to understand why something trivial to one person is very important to another.

    • Pepper said

      I agree with you, But for that, two individuals need to come forward and agree to talk. Mint may agree to discuss things with me right now (If I take the initiative, he doesn’t seem to want to do it) but I am too hurt and upset to want any conversation right now..

  3. Childwoman said

    I dont want to take any sides here. Lekin Taali kabhi ek haath se nahi bajti. All I can say is, it will be okay. If there are ups, there will be downs. And in situations like these, think about the amazing things he has done for you. Everyone fights, Friends fight. Siblings fight. Parents kids fights. Every relationship needs care. And every fight or argument can be sorted.

    I am sure all will be okay.



  4. Shweta said

    Aww Pepper!

    I always thought this is the way it is only between me and Mr. Husband… everything you said about reacting, about having to have a closure, every single emotion is what I feel when I have a fight! And about his reactions…they are the *same* as Mint’s!!

    I am coming to believe that guys have a certain missing part when it comes to functioning with care after a fight!

    I am awed by the way you were able to put this into a post! *claps* I can only go far to the extent of accepting the weird withdrawal symptoms after a fight! Sigh! Same story, soul sister!!!

  5. The Bride said

    I’ve been going through the extreme version of this for the past three years (though touchwood, some breakthrough has happened in the past month). It seems like a phase with Mint and you so my advice is, keep the lines of communication open. Guys freezing and walking away when they’re hurt and expecting you to react in their preferred rational style (i.e. like a man) seems to be typical but also not fair. I think a compromise has to be reached where your need to react and work things through is also acknowledged, while his need to deal with his feelings in private is allowed (but he should come back and do a mini-convo with you to address your need). I have a feeling he is reacting like this to signs of you getting upset because maybe in the past you didn’t so much, and so it’s a new and frightening development for him.

    PS: You don’t have to make this comment public. It’s just my gyaan.

    • Pepper said

      I hope you don’t mind that I approved your comment. The gyaan is much appreciated and perhaps it may help somebody else too?

      Absolutely. While I am willing to restrain and contain my reactions to an extent, I do want him to acknowledge my inherent need to react. Another thing I’ve noticed is that my reactions fizzle out leading to a zen me as soon as I hear a sincere apology. It angers me that Mint sounds so unapologetic about what he has said and done but instead chooses to focus on how I react.

      You know, another thing that really makes me sad is that in the beginning of our relationship, it was me who felt the need to grieve or deal with my feelings in private. For the longest time, Mint kept chasing me and begging me to open up to him when I was upset. He instilled in me the confidence and habit to always turn to him for comfort, even if he was the one who hurt me. I got so used to doing that, that any other way seemed hard.

      I wonder if he even remembers that. That was more than 7 years ago. His memory sucks so he may not even recall his past behaviour. I keep reflecting and feeling the sting when I realise how tables have turned.

      Sorry, I may not have sounded so grave had I not been in such a foul mood. Please excuse.

  6. Preethi said

    Dear Pepper,
    I can relate to each and every word of your post. I know how it feels.
    I hate to stereotype, but after reading this I am wondering if it is men’s nature to just blurt out something and not realize how much it can hurt their partner.
    My husband thinks that I react a bit sensitively and there is nothing to feel so bad about what he said. The situations at my home are almost the same. So I asked him why can’t he act on it as he knows for sure that I am bound to get angry and upset when he talks like that. I see change happening slowly…so hugs to you dear.
    And I agree that it takes lot of courage to not present a very hunky dory image of your life( I know what a loving couple you both are and used to be a regular reader of your blog).
    Just give him some time…I am sure things will sort out soon.:-)

  7. Bubblegum said

    Well, I should not horribly generalize but still, “Guys are like that”! They prefer to withdraw than sort things out with love. The situation with me is almost same! No closure, conveniently ignore.

  8. I know where you are coming from. Guys have this tendency to make us gals go crazy and then they expect we shall remain calm and not react at all. They also expect us to understand their wrongly worded statements correctly..they mostly don’t mean what they say!!
    Don’t worry this will pass and everything will be back to normal soon..may be you should attempt to check if there is something really bothering him inside as you mentioned it is so much unlike him – although I know how difficult it is to keep your self respect aside and initiate a talk :p

    • Pepper said

      Yes. It is difficult. More so when you have already made two failed attempts. I may or may not initiate it again depending on how I feel later. Right now, I just want to curl up and not talk to anybody. Although Mint seems to be talking to me normally (about other things) and pretending none of this happened. So typical!

  9. Cheer up Pepper!! I think it’s just one of those times when one of us behave unreasonably and the other is left staring….. There have been times when I say to myself ‘if only I didn’t open my mouth/react’ but that doesn’t happen….

  10. D said

    it sounds like something from our household!! Husband has exactly the same problem with me. He expects me to react in the most calm manner and control my reactions even when he behaves in most outrageous way!! We have not been able to sort it out yet,….and almost all our fights are over this…

  11. A said

    Awww. Hugs! It is hard when you clearly have a point but cant make the other person see your point, and in the end you are the one who feels all these emotions. I am sure this will pass and hope you feel better soon after sorting things out.

  12. ash said

    Something is bothering him ..and I think you can sense it too .He emotions seem to be always on the surface , bubbling for someone to provoke him .
    If you both sit down and talk about all the stuff that makes you mad at him and how you don’t want him to react , instead respond to you ..some kind of strategy ….
    My Dh is also like this , I ask him to take deep breaths before REACTing it seems to help a bit ..talking from experience …have him checked for BP too just in case
    You both are bright young minds , far better than the other Indian blogs …so maybe you will have a better idea 🙂

  13. Hope said

    Mine was a intercultural, 2 states, kind of marriage. It has been nearly 9 yrs since we’re married and we were in a long distance relationship 3 yrs before that. From couple of years now I’ve been going through exactly same situation what you describe here. He never communicates to sort out the issue. And exactly like you’ve written here my husband too makes statements like ‘you never said that to me’ rather than saying ‘I forgot’, I know the truth, and I feel utterly irritated. Even before these issues started I was the one who always used to communicate all my frustrations, feelings, emotions whenever we fought. Looks like we ladies want to communicate, express and sort out the issue and the men want to sulk and make us too sulk. Now it looks like the issues – which are all silly – are never ending between us because I too have stopped communicating with him. We just live together, talk normally, live a regular life, and for outsiders (and I guess, to my husband too) everything looks fine and normal between us. But within me it’s all adding up and I feel our relationship is going downhill. I’ve given up, one day if he says earnestly lets sit and talk, I’ll be happy to express myself but then I don’t see that happening. I wonder whether all the marriages become so monotonous after few years.

    My first comment on your blog, this post made me comment.

    • Pepper said

      Intercultural. 2 States. Long distance before marriage. All of it sounds just like us. Just that we’ve been married for exactly half the time that you’ve been.

      So here’s the thing. Mint always liked to communicate and that is why this recent behaviour of his has taken me by surprise. I totally know how frustrating it would be if one person wants to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it never happened. Even silly issues when piled up can lead to a lot of stress. I really hope you try having a hearty talk with your partner once again.

      No. I do not believe all marriages become monotonous after a few years. I have too many examples around me to believe that.
      Thank you for leaving behind a comment. Always helps to know you are not alone.

  14. O said

    Firstly, I have been a silent lurker on your blog for the longest time, With utmost modesty and humility, let me tell you, he needn’t know for once how hurt you are.. it’s ok if he doesnt know.. you can give him benefit of doubt for whatever he has done.. because he has done things for you wihtout questioning.. i needn;t tell you what he has done.. I am no one, but what appears from the blog, he has forsaken his most cherished dreams for you… and for this petty thing, if you want to prove how wrong he was, then you are wrong.. you owe him this.. he can have any pangs of frustrations and anger, for someone who usually doesn’t, and takes all your tantrums,, he deserves pampering.. and who said only men are supposed to be at the receiving end? I may not have any idea about your relationship at all, because I conclude from whatever I read here.. but, a guy like Mint is impossible in today’s world.. he can have his way whenever he wants, for all that he does for you.. you shud be thankful.. most of the girls out thr would kill for a guy like mint.. so stop being “right” always.. you can be kind and loving, for a change! I know you are super principled!! Appreciate that.. also, this comes as a comment/advice, because you have ranted on the blog.. you can chose/reject to publish this comment!

    • Pepper said

      Eh? Who are you? The president of Mint’s fan club? Well, something tells me you mean well, so I will forgive you for all the nasty things you’ve said about me. They are untrue and unwarranted. I understand you only make your conclusions based on what you read on this blog, but I don’t know where you got your ideas from. I should be kind and loving for A CHANGE? How do you know how kind and loving I am to him? Which part of my blog indicates that?

      While I am well aware of and thoroughly appreciate all that he has done and given up for me, it cannot exempt him from a lifetime’s worth of wrongdoings. I am human and it is unfair to expect me to not be affected by his sometimes hurtful behaviour. I don’t know on what grounds you assume he should be given the liberty to have his way WHENEVER he wants. That is not how a relationship works.

  15. young mummy said

    Well pepper, first and foremost, big hugs. This too shall pass and you both will be back to your old smiling cheerful selves in no time.
    Since you have acknowledged that this kind of behaviour from Mint is not the usual, think of all the times you were irrational, adamant, illogical and what not and he somehow made you alright with all efforts and apologies etc ( after which you yourself would have realised you were unfair, though you may or maynot have acknowledged it to mint once you patched up )
    so now, it is your turn . He is afterall your darling husband who has done so much for you. And please do not count or set limits like I have tried twice or thrice or so. Peace and sorting out is much more important than our ego. And ego with a stranger is fine, but with your husband ?? Apologise unconditionally, it is okay !!
    One person has to atleast pretend to be calm when another is agitated.
    when i started apologising even if it was my husbands mistake and pampered him, evetually after the anger subsided, he himself came back and told me that he was sorry and it was he who was wrong. And these days he is very sensitive to the issues that make me worked up and is very careful not to say things that will upset me. It is more like he watches what he says and does. And even when I do get worked up for the silliest of the stuff and scream and shout, he is patient and tolerant rather than getting irritated and makes sure he somehow pacifies and soothes me.
    So if you take a step and give, he will also start giving back, which is nothing new to him anyway.

    • Pepper said

      That’s exactly what I have asked myself to do. To think of all the times he has forgiven me for being irrational and stupid. And the times he’s been my angel. I agree. He is my darling husband. I didn’t intend to count or set limits to the number of times I approached him, but you have to admit it does get difficult to keep chasing somebody after you’ve been turned down brutally.

      Giving to me is nothing new to him. Really. So I did set aside my hurt for this one time and tried to make things right.. 🙂

      • Young Mummy said

        That’s great pepper !!

        You both are an *almost* ideal couple but still it is natural that sometimes some misunderstanding do happen. I have read about the way you handle so many things in a beautiful ways, including handling your inlaws with out any major controversies.
        Yes it difficult to keep chasing someone after you have been turned down, but don’t we all cool down after some initial period ? Mint will and so will you,

        While I did suggest that you should make efforts to patch up, it is also equally important that you make Mint understand that he is at fault too, and put across your views. I did not mean even a moment that you should let that pass or be okay with his behavior just because he has been so understanding and forgiving in the past. No matter what everything has to be mutual and never one sided.

        All I suggested what,since you need closure and a solution to the issue, you can start by apologising unconditionally, bring back normalcy and then take things from there .
        Most of the times,once pacified, the guys too usually realize their role (mistake) in the whole episode and apologise ( well, my husband does that )

        I am looking forward to your usual cheerfulness soon soon ,
        Hugs once again !!

        • Pepper said

          I know you didn’t mean to say I should let that pass. You were right in all that you said. The approach you take matters a lot. Thanks a lot for your thoughtful comments. Hugs!

  16. anjeneyan said

    Best wishes for a speedy reconcilation and celebration thereafter. I do not know what else to say.

  17. Kavs said

    Hi Pepper,

    I hope you are feeling better now… I know how annoying it is to be angry and upset over seemingly trivial thing, and how tiring it is.

    When A and I have arguments, his premise is always flawed and he gets offended by a harmless comment and is fine with a much serious “accusation”. I don’t get it at all! So most of the times our arguments just derail and are all over the place. When I replay it in my head I can’t stop laughing.

    This is to tell you that all marriages have its ups and downs. When it’s down, I try to remember all the sweet things A has done for me – this guy doesn’t give surprise gifts, no sweet notes, no surprise outings – but he knows me inside out and would not do a thing to hurt me intentionally. And remembering that helps calm my anger.

    • Pepper said

      Oh arguments getting derailed is a universal phenomenon, I think. I’ve seen it happen with most people. It can be funny in hindsight. Yes, taking into account all the wonderful things he does gives me perspective too 🙂

  18. I got really mad at a friend once cuz I said something cuz I felt bad and she said don’t do Natak. This had already happened a couple of times. I told her just Cuz I have been moody and short tempered in the past, don’t take the easy way out and blame it all on me. Could be her or others fault too which they are hiding under the garb of my moodiness. I am not sure how this relates here. But I feel ya sister. And I have no advise.

    • Pepper said

      I think perception matters a lot. If people perceive you in a particular way, all your action are seen in that light. It does lead to a lot of bias too.

  19. RH said

    Awww Pepper…
    This was what happened last night in our household.
    Husb told me some hurtful words and i couldnt yell at him with a three year old watching everything intently.
    So later i told him i want to talk about it,he said i want to do a postmortem of all the words he talks to me.And he had the gall to tell me i made him say those words.
    So i let it be for now and i am going to dig it up after 2 days. Just like you,I need a closure.

    • Pepper said

      I always wonder how much more complicated it can get once you have children. You really have to make sure you restrain yourself when they’re around. Sounds difficult to me. I hope we’re able to abide by it when the time comes.

      I hope you guys have it all resolved by now!

  20. My 2 cents on this.
    I think it a a clear case of ‘men are from mars and women are from venus’, more so from all the above comments.
    Its the same at my place as well. Hubby says something, I get upset. He has no clue why I got upset, I pick up a fight(slight difference here coz i pick up the fight :)) and want to talk. He thinks I am overreacting and wants to move on.
    Men do not get so emotionally charged, whereas we women cannot rest till we find closure for an emotional issue.
    Why has Mint changed suddenly?
    must be age catching up( people change over the years), just some monotony creeping into the marriage, or must be some work pressure making him react differently….

    Give him some time and space…. maybe he just needs some time and space.Try to get back into your normal routine without mentioning the subject again and again.
    Broach the subject later when both of you are calm and then mention that you do not like it when he accuses you of overreacting…and leave it at that.
    HOPEFULLY he will get the message( big hope here coz men sometime just don’t such thing :))

    • Pepper said

      Why Mint reacted like that for a change, I don’t know. But I do know we’re both under a lot of pressure because of a lot of things. Besides, we tend to make mistakes and do and say things we don’t mean to. So I guess I will forgive.

      Thankfully, he did get the message.

  21. Deepa said

    M never ever(repeat with me “never ever”) wants to discuss anything after an altercation between us even if it’s left me fuming, hurting, upset, angry. He’d rather sulk over it by himself, go out run errands(boy, is this a guy thing or what. I wish he’d run errands when I wanted him to, promptly) than sit down and talk to me about where he(or I) eff..d up. Then the next day or maybe the day after, he wants to carry on like NOTHING EVER happened. I hate that. Hate it! Because, as most gals have expressed here I like ‘resolutions’. The kind where each party admits his or her role in the eff-up and then finds a way to move forward.

    My advice- since you feel hurt as sorry from your end will be fake and artificial even if it’s to start the conversation. Don’t say anything and to keep things going for now start chit chatting and then one day when he’s in a good mood bring it up carefully and point out where u think he faltered that day and why you were upset the way you were.

    And M’s famous dialogue is also “Why do you always play with my words?” Huh?!? Duh! Isn’t it words that hurt the most and are always misconstrued.

    Anyways, best of luck dearie.

    • Pepper said

      Just how are they so comfortable letting go of things without bringing them to an end? It beats me.
      Followed your advice, Deepa. It sure worked. Thanks!

      And that statement about words. They’re all the same. Sigh..

  22. Nitya said

    So I am like Mint. When it comes to fights, I don’t hesitate in saying the meanest, most thoughtless things and then I just walk away. I can put on a cold front and go off to sleep with the fight unresolved. Sigh, I know its horrible. Usually Kar is the one who breaks the silence first. There have been times though when he has simply refused and thats when I get all cold and trembly and realize that a line may have been crossed.
    My point is that Mint is human, his way of reacting may have changed over time, with the comfort that being together brings. take that time out for yourself. Its not being angry or continuing the fight, but I have realized that sometimes what one needs is alone time and a little space.
    The next day talk, hug it out.

    • Pepper said

      Okay, I say the meanest of things too. But I am very quick to apologise. I apologise within minutes of having said that. Mint usually breaks the silence and I think I have come to expect him to do it. When he didn’t. I felt terrible. I think it is a lesson to me on the whole. I have to realise he is human like you said, and I need to give him some leeway.

  23. ash said

    many comments here ..like asking to swallow your pride ….telling all marriages have ups and downs .in the process minimizing your problem ….etcetc..referring to you being adamant irrational at times…I wonder who are these women?
    Very petty comments…when a woman rants /shares …why not for change …listen to her and take her side ?Right or wrong …
    I am sure the author of this blog is smart enough to figure it out …I do like comments where the ladies give similar experiences themselves and leave it at that:-)

    • Pepper said

      Actually, a certain O was the only rude and annoying comment in this post. The rest were all helpful. I don’t mind advice, as long as it is polite 🙂

  24. Chiquita said

    Pepper pepper pepper! While I’ve only thought of Mint as a super natural being all this while I realize now that he’s human and so he has his flaws. He is probably reacting to old situations. This is maybe some pent up issue that went unresolved in the past. There is a good chance he didn’t want to hurt you earlier, or he was busy making up or he just didn’t know how to point out a flaw. You guys just need to talk about what is bothering him. Sure his behavior isn’t ok and I can only imagine how choked you feel. You know you could make him a love coupon…pass a coupon to him that says ‘kiss and make up’ (to be redeemed asap). If he still wants time, let him have it. Let him sort his actual concern or issue so he can discuss his reaction. Maybe he’s just stressed. Mighty hug Pepper. You know it’s going to get better super soon.

    • Pepper said

      You know, the problem is that I too tend to view Mint as some super natural being. That is why this behaviour from him makes me feel shaken. I need to remember he is human and he has his flaws. That should keep my expectations in check. Thanks for the hug.

  25. Indira Nair said

    Hi Pepper , this is exactly what happens in my life too. My husband is the same and i think this is a guy thing as several others pointed out. They blame us for being over sensitive, putting too much in to their ” casual ” remarks. They will never understand the hurt that those words and actions cause us. I have devised a plan which has worked well for us. I dont sit and talk with him after an argument / fight. I sent mails detailing what i feel , sometimes with bullet poibts even so that he will understand better :). This helps bcos he will read it fully and can go over it again and again if needed and there will be no back and forth banter again. He will have to just sit and read everything and will get time to think before coming home. Then we talk. 🙂
    You are not alone pepper. We all face these frustrating situations with our partners. You guys will be okay in no time.
    Take care

  26. Sravanthi said

    Dear Pepper,

    Thank you for writing this post. I have off late been feeling that it is important for us to talk about the not-so-happy things going on in our life. So much of an effort goes on in this world to project the image of a happy family/relationship/job/situation. When in reality, we all know that every relationship has serious lows and incredible highs and hopefully bobs along peacefully on other days. But we are all taught to never let that be known outside and to always, always make it seem like everything is shiny and happy. When you listen to other people and the issues they face in their relationships it gives perspective to your own fights. In realizing that many other people go through this and find ways to deal with it, you figure that maybe it is not as terrible as it actually is.

    So much of your post resonated with me. The husband and I have seriously crazy fights. After a fight, while I am hopping around in anger and restlessness, he storms out to play tennis or just turns around and snores. Oh, the things I want to do to him at that point (they involve breaking the damn racket). I am still figuring out how to work through these fights. As are you I am sure. 🙂


    • Pepper said

      Sravanthi, may I say I love your comment. It is my favourite from the lot. Thank you for acknowledging the need to talk about the not so perfect happenings of our life. Writing this post wasn’t easy for me. I was worried I’d be labelled. I feared my beautiful relationship would be viewed in a different light after this post. Because we’re so used to hearing and seeing only things that are glossy, I was not sure we still have the ability to recognise the good if it comes sans the glamour.

      You are right. We are taught to make everything look shiny and happy. That need to portray a happy picture can be burdening. It is also highly misleading. We need to recognise beauty in its true form. I think that is why I am so forthright and honest on this blog.

  27. S said

    I read your post a few minutes after you posted it. . .but I didn’t know what to say. I came back today to read the comments and see the different perspectives.

    I am not married yet. And recently I have seen so many couples getting separated or divorced or fighting continuously. . .it scares me. My sister and her husband…seem so great on the outside but at home things are so bad. They have fights on silly reasons and then they stop talking for days…it’s like a cycle – argument on sunday evening-whole week no talking-then start talking slowly from friday evening, again by sunday evening something happens…and they end up having an argument. They have been married for 4 years and they have a 3 year old kid (which is another problem I think). I am really worried about them, I try talking to my sister..asking her to calm down. But I feel so helpless, I don’t know what to do. Honestly, after listening to both the sides, I think that they are not meant for each other – they seem to get on each others nerves – how can this ever be sorted? Things were good for the first couple of years of their marriage, and after that it has been going from bad to worse.

    I am sorry, this has turned out to be a sob-story. But your post triggered a huge fear in my heart. It is so difficult to manage expectations in a marriage. After seeing all the things around me, I don’t ever feel like getting married.

    Hope things settle between the two of you. Take care. Let us know what happened finally. Weekend would sort things out I guess 🙂

    • Pepper said

      I am so sorry my post added to your disillusions, S. There are arguments and fights every now and then, but there are also a million happy moments that more than make up for the arguments. I think disagreements and arguments can be healthy if we deal with them the right way and not allow them to turn vicious. Infact, very little has changed for us. We were in a relationship for around 3 years before we were married. The same kind of disagreements happened in those years, and yet we chose to spend our life with each other because they meant so little in the face of the love we felt for each other. I stand by that premise.

      May I suggest counseling for your sister and her husband? Have they considered or tried it? Sometimes a neutral perspective helps a lot. If things were good for a couple of years, clearly it is their approach that has changed. Or they’re out of patience and will to fix things and carry on. I agree, a child in this scenario can be tricky. Anyway, not talking for days on end on a regular basis is definitely not healthy. I hope (and believe) they will be able to sort things out if they WANT to..

      I hope you’re able to let go of your fear of marriage in general. I think it can be one of the most wonderful things to happen, really. And thank you for wishing us well. It got sorted in a day, a lot before the weekend. I put up an update post.

  28. Deepika said

    *Hugs* Pepper.. I got married recently and have been through such incidents… leading us to fight.. When I try not to speak and not tell him what I feel bad he’d coerce me to talk and when I do talk it leads to this big giant fight over absolutely nothing! I sulk and go into my self-mode thinking he’d come and try talking.. but he’d rather hear Arnab Goswami shouting his throat out on national television rather than asking what’s wrong and that too for something I think is his mistake!! You’ve beautifully put it down in words.. Take care!

    • Pepper said

      Lol. I can imagine how annoying that must be.. maybe you guys can work out at arrangement that gives you some room to sulk and you gives him some room to hear Arnab while he sorts it out himself.. ?

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