A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

D for Dream

Posted by Pepper on November 24, 2015

I’ve harboured this dream since I was in my teens. I don’t know what thought triggered it, but I decided I would grow up and adopt a baby girl. I was surprised by my own unwavering determination. I had a couple of friends who used to say the same thing when we were kids. Most of them happened to change their mind as they grew. It is after all common to outgrow such fantasies. For some reason, I stuck to my guns and only felt more convinced as time passed.

When I started dating Mint, I shared this thought with him and to my delight, he echoed my sentiments. At that point, even marriage was a mere dream, but we didn’t hesitate to add to our list of dreams. One day, we would get married and one day we would adopt a baby. We both preferred to NOT have our own baby. So we thought maybe we would even adopt two kids.

Eventually, we got married and since we absolutely weren’t thinking of having kids any time soon, we decided to not pursue the adoption topic till we were ready. All along though, I was very vocal about my preferences. I told all and sundry that we preferred to adopt instead of having our own kids. I was surrounded by the same question everywhere. WHY did we want to adopt if we were fully capable of having our own kids. This isn’t easy to answer.

I honestly don’t want to sound martyr like, because I am not. The simple answer to that is that the whole concept made sense to us. There are a million babies that need a home. Why create more? We didn’t really care about the concept of ‘my own blood’ For us, the purpose of having a child was just to have the experience of nurturing a life and expanding our family. So to adopt a baby seemed perfectly logical to us.

Nobody seemed to understand it though. Till date, people tell me the pregnancy journey is something that cannot be replicated and I may eventually regret not experiencing it. I understand and appreciate the fact that it is a marvelous journey. It does feel like a miracle and I am sure it is fascinating. It surely is to me. But honestly, my desire to adopt is far stronger than my desire to experience pregnancy and child birth. So if I were to weigh the two, I know what the winner would be.

And then there are people who tell us how magical it is to see the manifestation of your own genes. Now, this is something I am more convinced by. While I don’t really care about ‘my own’ genes, I do feel curious to see the amalgamation of our genes, Mint and mine. We come from such vastly different regions and spheres, our personalities, our ancestry and history, our lineage, these are all worlds apart.I trace my lineage to Balochistan and Karachi in Pakistan. My clan originated there and lived there for eons. We only moved to Mumbai a few decades ago. My mother tongue is part Punjabi, part Sindhi, part Multani. Our lives have strong influences of Sufi and Islamic traditions, although we are Hindus. Mint’s ancestors inhabited villages in Andhra Pradesh and Tamil Nadu. He is part Tamil and part Telugu. He grew up under the strong influence of the Dravidian culture and way of life.

Like I said, we come from different worlds and yet through some strange stroke of luck, our paths collided and we ended up together. This does make me curious to know what our union can create. It is interesting to think of how or what our aggregate will be like. More than anything else, it is pure curiosity on my part. Again, I had to stop and question myself on several occasions. What is more important to me? Knowing what our creation will be like? Or adopting a baby ? And though both the options hold weight, my answer mostly tips in favour of adoption.

I really have no idea why, but my heart beats for adoption. That underlying desire overrides all other apprehensions and thoughts. I know I have not been successful in pointing out why I feel so strongly about it. Mint too is on the same page as me. So we have always been 90% in favour of adoption, versus having our own baby. Why the 10% doubt? Here are the reasons.

–  I know I am being really vain when I say this, but I don’t want people to think we are adopting kids because we aren’t capable of having kids of our own. Especially when that is so far from the truth. Mint has asked me several times why I care about what others think. I honestly don’t know. I agree with him when he says that if he have our own baby just to prove to the world that we can, then it will be the stupidest reason ever. I know I just need to get over this crap and care a hoot about what the world thinks. Since the idea of adoption (when you can have your own kids) is seen as bizarre in our country, people are bound to assume that we are adopting only because we can’t conceive. I need to accept this and move on. Also, I hope nobody judges me for this confession I made.

–  Breast feeding. Because of all the blogs I read and all the information that floods me, it has been hammered into my head that without the great benefits of breast milk, a child can suffer a big loss and have a compromised immune system and so on. I really don’t know how much of this is true and how much of it is mere propaganda, but I know it makes me worry about my future formula fed child suffering from a disadvantage.

–   Discrimination. I would say this is our most legitimate concern. While I know we will never discriminate against our child just because he/she is adopted, I worry about the world discriminating in cruel ways. I know it isn’t feasible to not be open about the fact that your baby is adopted and I don’t know what hurdles lie in store. Having said that, I know it largely depends on how self assured your child is, and that again is a task for the parents.

Having said all that, we were still all for adoption. Oh well, 90% like I said. That 10% doubt or fear of not being able to manage the difficulties that come with it always haunts me. It isn’t an easy decision and we have conveniently deferred it until now. We also toyed with the idea of having one baby of our own and adopting the other but that comes with its own set of challenges. We decided to not go this route and adopt two kids, IF we decided to have two kids that is.

After all this time, we thought maybe we should start thinking about planning a baby in some time. And then just when we were beginning to take a clear decision and consider adoption to be our final choice, a part of our circumstances changed. I am not getting into details, but it was beginning to appear that for certain reasons, adoption may not be an option for us, if we go with a certain other choice. That we just have to give up on the idea in that case. That has resulted in added confusion in our lives.

Sigh.. I don’t know anymore, if one day we will be able to adopt or not. Or even if we will plan our own child soon. We may not do either. Or we may force ourselves to pick a stand soon. I really don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that adoption has always been a very precious dream. It is something that will remain close to my heart, no matter what choice we make.

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57 Responses to “D for Dream”

  1. Rahmath said

    well, its nice to know we share a dream:), I have a biological son but i have understood that conceiving and carrying is difficult but really that doesn’t make you a parent.
    Breast feeding…. I enjoyed the experience, yes but there are so many mothers who formula feed and there is nothing wrong with the children or their relationship.
    Discrimination: everyone faces some kind of discrimination, When they face that we will be there for them and help deal with it. That’s the only thing parents can do. Sometimes i wonder how i will deal with the discrimination my daughter will face when she sees her brother being loved more than her by some relatives, but I believe, it will be ok. Hope our dreams come true. I have a feeling yours will 🙂

    • Pepper said

      You are right. Also, I don’t associate breast feeding with bonding. Heck, ultimately it is the skin contact that causes the bonding.You can as well strip and hug the baby. So can the father! I am only worried about the benefits of breast milk not being passed on to the adopted child. But maybe I am worrying about it more than I should..

      Thanks Rahmath! I hope you are able to adopt your daughter soon. And I hope she feels totally equal to her brother in every respect. Good luck 🙂

  2. janani said

    Kudos to you! I am one of those who kept saying I would like to adopt all through my life and who might sway either way. I resonate with your thoughts about ‘Why create new people when there are so many in need already.’ I hope things work out whichever way it goes 🙂

  3. Wow… I think 50% of girls I know (from my undergrad days) felt the exact same thing – Me as well! That we would adopt a baby and make his/her life different. I followed up with every single one of them and was hugely disappointed when none of them adopted and went on have their own babies. Particularly a girl who was extremely kind and involved in this – yet she had her own baby – she too stated circumstances and family as reason and she loves her baby 🙂 It is a hard decision – one that I struggle with daily. I do feel there is no harm in both having your own baby followed by adoption. Checkout this tamil movie – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez1Ea0T98c8

    • Pepper said

      I don’t know what circumstances are like for others.. but in our case there are certain binding legalities that make adoption a very difficult choice.. Oh well.. let’s see how things work out.

      And yes, I have watched that movie. Isn’t it lovely? 🙂

  4. Also, the points you had listed, specifically under discrimination and breast feeding – It is going to happen to every orphaned baby out there. The question is whether you both would be ready to be a part of that baby’s journey 🙂 Whether we adopt or not, all the orphaned babies out there will be bottle fed and they will feel discrimination. Depending on the parents they get, they would grow up confidently and proud of themselves or start looking for their birth parents. It is a hard choice indeed. This post is making me think about my own thoughts about the same topic. I am yet to get married, so will hopefully know my answer in a few years from now 🙂

    • Pepper said

      Spot on! That’s what we say to ourselves too. That our concerns hold true for any baby that has been orphaned. For example, in all likelihood, they won’t get breast fed. Maybe we should just overcome those concerns and adopt a baby. Atleast we know we will do our best to give the child a good life..

  5. Babe hugs!! But just like how ppl tell you might regret not having a baby similarly you might regret not adopting.

    Wnat matters is what u and mint want. And how you plan to tackle the problems. Easier said than done i know but ultimately it is your life you know. The baby will be your life 100%. For everyone else will be a small % of their life

  6. As a fairly recent mom, I can tell you that breastfeeding is all luck. Some extremely healthy women, can never breastfeed and other’s its supremely easy. Formula’s are catered to give the baby all they need! Personally, I think as Indian parents, the only way to keep our kids healthy is to keep them away from general public areas like movies (places with air conditioning that circulates germs etc) and making them acclimatise to the weather (I’ve seen people putting sweaters on their babies in Chennai summer!! My son, till date sleeps with a thin blanket in Bangalore and he is fine :)) Falling sick and vaccinations makes babies stronger. Being a present parent is all you need to worry about!

    As for the discrimination, I like to think adoption is similar to having inter-religious marriages. Even if everything is fine, people will talk. Coming from a family which has a ton of adopted kids, we barely realize that they are adopted any more.

    More power to you and mint!! 🙂

    • Pepper said

      I know, I’ve heard of healthy people being unable to breast feed too. It is luck. I tell myself there is a possibility I might not be able to breastfeed the baby despite giving birth to her.

      I do have a couple of adopted kids in my family too. And although nobody remembers they are adopted in our family, my cousin tells me her daughters have faced some discrimination in the playground, when other nasty kids fount out she was adopted. It hasn’t been very easy for my niece to feel ostracized like that.. 8 yr olds may not take well to mindless rejection, even if they are otherwise secure and confident.. Anyway, I guess this is part of the package though. And in the end it you got to be prepared to face some hurdles and do what you feel is right 🙂

  7. Hdbd said

    Rofl @ balochistan and Karachi. You’re too funny.

  8. shwethays said

    Hey pepper all I want to say here is a thought I read few min back . Life is too short to not follow your dreams . I just wish you stay happy with whatever you decide on

  9. shell said

    Have the same dream. But wanted kids of my own too. I thought I knew what love meant. but my son was then born. He tries my patience every single day. My body is pushed to the extreme ( 2 years of breastfeeding, constant body pain, still seeing the doc for delivery complications !) . But I have now experienced love in all it’s majesty. I think it is programmed in us, a way for the human race to survive. Now I wonder if I am capable of the same love with a child I will adopt. Still don’t want to give up on my dream though. very confused.

    • shell said

      PS: just wanted to clarify – I don’t think birth mothers are better than adopted mothers/shower more love on their children. I am concerned about my reactions, and if I myself am capable of being discrimination free. children

      • Pepper said

        Fair enough.. I know what you mean. Several other people have told me the same thing. It is a valid concern..
        But as of now atleast, I don’t worry about that. I do believe I will be capable of loving an adopted child the same way..

  10. Can I just say ME TOO with almost everything you said! Before I met S my dream was to not get married, but to travel the world and adopt one girl child when the time was right. Well, I did get married and S was also all aboard with the adoption idea (I made sure he was ok with it before we got serious about each other). But after years of being married, we did think it would be nice to have a kid of our own, just to go through the experience of it all. For me, the only reason to have our own kid was to see how the child will be, a combination of both our genes. (I was not at all intent on going through the whole pregnancy/delivery part. Having gone through it now, I will not go through it again!). So, we decided to have one of our own and adopt the other child.
    But even with that, frankly I am having doubts whether it will be good for our family to add a second child (adopted). Even with one child it is super hectic and we are just not sure how we will do with 2 kids. So there is that! But I do wish these doubts go as I still want to adopt!

    • Pepper said

      I have always been for two kids, but I can just imagine how hectic life gets with a kid too. So I understand your confusion. I do hope all the same that you are able to adopt a second child.. 🙂

  11. I have the same dream. Only difference is I want it to happen soon and my biggest challenge is getting my parents and in laws on board with the decision. I want the child to get the same treatment from the grandparents that it would have received if it was our biological child. But that is not easy.

    • Pepper said

      We haven’t even shared this with the inlaws. I know they will be super shocked and may not take it very well. But we’re confident they will accept it with time and come to love the baby the same way.

  12. Pepper, this post resonated a lot with me. May be I will email you one day when I can talk about it. Your concerns are valid – especially on the discrimination. There is no right or wrong here. You have a very noble dream and if it can help a kid, there’s nothing like it 🙂 I hope all those technical difficulties are sorted out soon and you guys could make a clear decision 🙂

    PS – I remember one of your posts where you did not want to give away your mother tongue?! Was a little surprised to see it in this post 🙂

    • Pepper said

      I hope you send me that email. Will wait for it 🙂
      And I have still not revealed the name of my mother tongue. My reasons are the same. I only said it s a mix of the 3 languages I mentioned. My reasons for not revealing are the same. We are such a small community, if the keyword search gets a community member to land on my blog, it will end my anonymity instantly. So I doubt I will ever spell it out here.. haha. Btw, I am really impressed with your memory 🙂

  13. tess said

    Hi

    Just wanted to share my 2 cents. I have 2 kids(9 years and 5 years old). I too always wanted to adopt but had to give in to family pressure. Having one’s own help u to relate better. I mean for eg: my elder one is almost an extension of me. We have the same thought process and so I can understand him in ways no one else can. He is a very fussy eater and I stay with my in laws this is a big problem. They all ask me ‘why is this kid like this? Why can’t he eat good things?. Well I know the answer because its in his blood. I too was like him. Some things won’t change easily. We all say its the background and situations that mold a child. If so my both kids should be alike. After all they were raised in exactly the same conditions. But my younger one has taken after my husbands side and is almost the opposite of his brother. What I want to tell you is that u should be wary of all this. I am so happy u r considering adoption but make sure u are prepared well enough for this. It is a big decision.

    • Pepper said

      Actually, I really don’t know how much role genetics play in determining your habits and little things in your personality. I think these things are more driven by external environment and exposure. And I also think two kids belonging to the same set of parents can have different kinds of exposure and environment, therefore causing difference in personalities. Maybe genetics play a role too, but I don’t think it is very significant. The environment plays a much bigger role here..

      I know, you are right, I share be wary of this. Thankfully I am prepared to face these things. They don’t seem like much of a deterrent to me 🙂

  14. Ok. My two cents. Of the three worries you have, and this I seriously mean – one shouldn’t matter. And knowing the kind of person you are to whatever extent I do, I know for a fact that it won’t. I love the fact that Mint doesn’t give it a damn, and neither should you. As I said, this is a passing worry you have, and the moment you decide to adopt the baby, and do, you will laugh back at the fact that this was ever a concern. It just won’t be.
    Two, breastfeeding is good, important, essential – but in no way is it a deal killer. Like Dee mentioned, so many folks are unable to do it even, and there are many many options to manage otherwise. Absolutely no worries.
    Three, is a worry. It is a worry even I have. It is a worry that makes me rethink when we discuss adoption (yes we do, for the second one) because the world is cruel. I like to be idealistic and think that we will protect our baby and ensure no one discriminates, and I am sure our immediate family won’t. But it is a worry for sure. Even bigger for us because I don’t want the world differentiating between Zo and this child. But it is a mental block and I have live examples of folks who have managed this like a pro.
    I have another worry, when and how do you let the child know? I read somewhere that it should be when they can understand the idea, as early as 5. The Dude thinks we just don’t need to because it is not a concern. But anyway.
    So there you have it. I hope and pray you go ahead with it 🙂 Not for the world, not for the society, not for the child, just for you!

    • Pepper said

      Thanks DI 🙂
      Regarding when you tell the child, it is recommended that you do it as early as possible. And you break it to them in a story format. My cousin told her daughters (both adopted) when they were barely 3! They were quite enamoured by the story and they internalised the message in the right way. They are 6 and 9 respectively and they talk about adoption very comfortably.

      I am not very worried about the revelation. I think we are forced to reveal it to the child. Not because it is important to us, but because people around you do find out, even if you prefer them not to. Because hello, they don’t see you pregnant. How did the baby appear suddenly. Word travels. And it is important that the child doesn’t hear about it from somebody else.. We never know how the information will be presented to them.

  15. Prachee said

    They say… That there are two ways to become parent – 1.biologically & 2 . adoption. And the difference ends there. Rest all is same for all parents and their children.
    We have already visited one agency last year.. Yet not sure.. Though husband seems to be more confident than me. Lets see.

  16. Preethi said

    This topic is so close to my heart Pepper. I have always wanted to have one baby of my own and then adopt another baby. After I had my son and when we were thinking of a 2nd child, that’s when I realized that it’s not going to work out(for us). My in-laws wouldn’t have approved it and I was still ok that. I was afraid that the baby might face indiscrimination, that others might tell her that we are not own parents. There are days when my kids push my tolerance level to extremes and I was worried if I would be equally unforgiving of both of them. There were too many fears and I might sound very lame if I list them all here. Thete seemed to many practical hurdles. How I wish I had shown more determination and not chickened out.
    I am puzzled when some couples are not able to conceive and they still don’t want to adopt a baby. They would rather go through the numerous painful cycles of IVF but would not want to adopt. May be it is easier said than done.
    My husband says that we will try to compensate by sponsoring some poor kids education, but I say it is not the same as providing the love and warmth of a family. This is my cross to bear for the rest of my life.
    Sorry for the long comment…
    I really really wish that your dream comes true soon and that you are able to fulfil dreams of an unfortunate child.
    Just one more thing, I might face brickbats for saying this. I feel the concept of breast feeding is a bit over hyped. True, formula is not as good as mothers milk. I have seen kids having an equally good immune system as the breast fed kids(if not better). My mom says that she breasted my sister and I for the same no. Of months but my sister’s immunity is much better than mine. I have seen several examples like this.

    • Pepper said

      Thanks Preethi! All the concerns you had are very valid. I am bracing myself for it all..
      And yes, it is good to hear that breast milk should not be the deal breaker here..

    • This is true in my case too. My Mom says I refused to be breastfed, so I was formula fed. My younger sister was breast fed. But my immune system has been better than hers. She is prone to debilitating common colds multiple times a year, and I get a common cold barely once a year, if at all.

      It’s been the same with our sons. She breast fed her son (my nephew) longer than I did mine. But he is prone to the common cold, ear infections, fevers etc much more than mine.

      Breast feeding is one of the purest and most cherishable experiences I have had with my child. However I have seen the benefits vary from one child to another.

      • Pepper said

        I am relieved to know all this. Although, don’t you think the benefits that come with breast milk may be hard to measure quantitatively? I mean, we may or may not know how much the baby benefited or lost out. These things may occur without any visible signs, right?

  17. Kavs said

    Hi Pepper,
    Don’t give up on your dream – you guys will make it come true. We have had a few adoptions in our extended families/friends. Let me tell you that they are all as normal kids as can be – no negative health impact from lack of breastfeeding. They are all well loved and after a point who cares what others have to say about “oh your kid is adopted?”
    I always wanted to have/adopt a girl. I never wanted to marry seeing all the discrimination around in our patriarchal society. I went on to marry a “practicing” feminist 🙂 Then after 7.5 long years of being unsure we had our little girl. I don’t know if we will have a second child, but know that if we ever want to, it will be via adoption.
    Good luck with your dreams!

  18. That’s such an amazing thought! I do feel that getting pregnant and all that is made out to be too much thanks to serials and movies going on and on about maa ki mamta and sunehra ehsaas and all that jazz. It’s perfectly good to adopt a baby that has already been brought in the world and you feel a connection to. A good human being is a good human being, who may or may not give birth or adopt or adopt puppies.
    PS:Even I am wondering what was funny about Baluchistan and Karachi. Enlighten me when you learn.

    • Pepper said

      Yes.. for us, adoption seems more logical than a biological child. It’s as simple as that. Shouldnt care about the rest.
      Haha.. that comment was so random. I’m still trying to figure out..

  19. ferret said

    I loved this post pepper. With whatever i know of you from reading your blog, i can confidently say that we are poles apart, but i still identify with so many of your posts. We might be diametrically opposite in our behavior, thoughts, reactions and all that, but at the heart of it, the thoughtfulness, ideals, reason, sincerity, open mindedness, i love that about you.
    I’d never thought positively about marriage, but was always sure that i would have a child of my own!! Yea, i’m usually a misfit in the society that i live in 🙂 And for me, pregnancy was really one of the happiest phases in my life. Granted, i had an easy pregnancy, no nausea, dizziness, not even cravings. I was just so happy all the time. Emotional, but no negative emotions at all. I’ve read somewhere that pregnancy sometimes causes this kind of selective memory, or something to that effect, but wth even if its selective memory, it makes me happy even today to think back on my pregnancy. Maybe its just that i was getting something that i wanted all along, which made me so happy. So i can imagine, how happy you would be when you get your adopted baby home. I hope you’re able to fulfill your dream.

  20. Deeps said

    Know what Pepper, be it adopted or biological I think they all come with their own baggage of pros and cons. And you will be judged no matter what you opt for. I think what matters is that you understand that at the end of the day it’s about parenting your child. Just that. And I’m sure you guys will be just fine either which way. From your post I could sense that you have a clear cut idea about what you both want. It’s such a wonderful dream to hold on to. I hope you do get to realize it as well :). All the best wishes to you both!

    • Pepper said

      I’m not worried about judgment at the end of the day. I’m just worried about my adopted child bearing the brunt of the judgment, but let’s see. Thanks Deeps!

  21. anjeneyan said

    What is clear is that your maternal instinct is strong. The question is about how that instinct will be allowed to be put to practical use.
    We start our life with certain goals in mind- most of it is of commercial or of tangible nature. Personal achievements in our area of expertise, enhancing our income and wealth, good house and so on. Progeny is assumed to be part of the progress towards these goals. It is expected that children will be born when we want them. Adoption is a hard option for those who yearn to have their own child.
    I would question the assumption that children would be born when we decide that -” yes, now is the right time to have children”. I have personally seen the pain associated with lack of desired success in this regard and do not want to ever see it
    I believe that all our achievements seem empty if there are no children/family around to share it. Is the first million we make more important that the first time our child or grand child stands up and walks? Is the special bonus we get more memorable than the laughter of our child when it was 6 months old?
    One question that recurs to my mind is why would I adopt if we can have our own child?
    A child’s smile is the most beautiful creation of God. Whether the child is our own or adopted, it does not really matter. We would love it with all our hearts.

    Adoption has several legal requirements. You may verify them also.

    • Pepper said

      Well, I agree. Adoption is a very hard option for those who yearn to have their own child. The fact that we don’t, makes it easier for us to think in this direction.
      I am aware of the legal requirements revolving around adoption 🙂

  22. mors said

    Well, when I set about to adopt, I realized it was much easier to have my own. It may look like there are a lot of kids who need home, but very few are up for adoption. There is a huge queue (upto 2 years of waitlist). There too, priority is given if you cannot have one of your own. Funnily, the demand for girl child is much higher for adoption and the wait is longer. And of course, lot of paperwork and process, background check etc. It may be easier, if you want to adopt a slightly bigger kids like 5 year old.
    I worried about the friends and family discrimination part too. One more thing that worried me was that if I’ll be able to be firm and strict with that child and if I’ll be yell at him/her with the same ease that I would do with my own born.
    Anyways, I ended up having my own two kids as it also felt unfair towards people who were not able to bear their own. I did not mean to discourage you. Just letting you know what to be prepared for and maybe start the process early if you do intend to adopt. All the best! 🙂

    • Pepper said

      There seems to be a lot of contradiction in the information we have. Well, I am not sure when was the last time you checked, but my information is very up to date.
      So, a couple of things: There is a queue, but not up to 2 years. The entire process from registering for adoption to having the baby in your hand takes between 6 to 10 months. They do not discriminate between people who can have their own kids and ones who can’t. They even accept single parents, let alone married couples, and everybody is equal in the queue. And this process and time line of 6 to 8 months also includes the background checks for the prospective parents, and everything else that comes with it. Secondly, there may or may not be a shortage of kids up for adoption, but they ensure they give the prospective parents 6 kids to chose from. The choice is usually made based on how closely your features match.

      The demand for boys is far higher than for girls! The agencies we spoke to said they struggle to place girls in decent families. And I am not surprised, given the mentality in India, I would expect most families to want sons over daughters. I am surprised you were told that the demand for a girl child is higher.

      All adoptions (The legal ones atleast), have been centralised in India now. CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority) runs the entire process. In fact, I have all required information on the process and was even wondering if I should put up a post, just to help people who are interested.

      Regarding your other points, I think you tend to worry about not being able to be strict with the kids only if you don’t truly accept the baby as ‘your own’. Once you do believe the child is your own, not just superficially, but deep down in your subconscience, then I see no reason to not be able to be firm and yell at the child with the same ease. I have no such concern thankfully. I know I will be able to reprimand the adopted child without any problem..

      We all feel for a particular cause, just like you thought adopting when you can conceive was unfair towards people who are incapable of conceiving, I feel guilty by the thought of having my own and adding to the strain on resources this world faces. I also feel compelled to adopt a girl and bring her up with equal opportunities and zero gender biases, something she may or may not be privy to otherwise.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂

      • MoRS said

        My information may be out of date, last time I checked it was 8 years back. Glad to know that adoption is made easier. If you have done your research, you should do a post on it. I am sure in this day and age, there are a lot of couples wondering about adoption. You are right about being firm comes with internalization of parenthood. However, kids do get yelled at even for unreasonable reasons. You’ve had a bad day, but the kids won’t stop jumping around. There, you snap at them and hand out a punishment. Even after I realize that I’ve been a little more harsh at them I am able to forgive myself easily and not judge my parenting too much (read, not feel guilty). I do wonder if I would have been able to do that with the same ease with an adopted child or would I have been under more pressure to be a “better parent”! In any case, a few adopted kids-parents that I do see around me are doing just fine. So, I guess we just worry too much! 🙂 Best of luck. Kids, esp. daughters are a pure bundle of joy – adopted or otherwise.

      • Deepthi said

        Hi Pepper

        That would be a great help if you put up a post that list the intricacies of how to adopt a baby.

        Thank you!

  23. Kanthu said

    Have one and adopt another. Adopt a boy if you have a girl and a girl if you have a boy. At least that’s what I want to do. 🙂

  24. The Bride said

    I have not adopted a child but we have a number of adopted kids on both sides of the family so here are my two cents:

    1. Vanity: You can just tell people you could have a child but chose to adopt. For example, my sister-law-law had one child biologically and chose to adopt the other. She openly tells people it was a choice because that is how she wanted to build her family.
    2. Breastfeeding: Blah, as most people have said. Even if you go through a biological pregnancy you may not be able to breasftfeed, and if you are able to, you may hate the experience like me and wish you had some good excuse to stop. Really, this is not a big concern. However, adopted kids do usually have some dietary deficiencies due to their early lives in institutions, but at least with my niece, she thrived and more once brought home. You could also be alert to this and check for nutritional deficiencies and supplement where needed. By the way, if you google breastfeeding and adoption, apparently there are ways to get your breasts to produce milk if you really want to go that route.
    3. Discrimination: You mean from the general society? Hmmmm, maybe I’m naive but is it that bad? I guess it depends on the circles you move in. Well, my father-in-law was dead set against adoption, but my sister-in-law told him she had made her decision. He used to be grumpy around the adopted neice but the thing is she won him over with her gigantic appetite. He likes to feed people and she was the only one of his grandchildren willing to eat anything, plus she is such an open-hearted enthu cutlet that you can’t resist the kid. The rest of the family just accepted her as ours, and the other grandparents dote on her more than the non-adopted grandchild.

    One thing I have noted about adopted kids though, you cannot just wish away the psychological impact of knowing that their biological parents chose to give them away and a sort of identity crisis in their teen years. It is something that has to be dealt with on a bigger scale than the usual teenage angst.

    In terms of bonding with an adopted child versus a non-adopted child, I think if you’re the maternal type, there shouldn’t be a problem. I’m not and I know that was pretty much running on hormones for the first year of my children’s lives so I don’t think I’d be a great fit for adoption. My sister-in-law seems more bonded to the adopted kid than the other one, because the adopted kid has all her character traits (outgoing party-animal sporty type) while the biological child is like her father.

    • Pepper said

      I am most interested and curious to know about the possibility of breastfeeding an adopted child. I googled right away and was surprised by the results.. thanks for pointing this out.

      Yeah I guess you may be right about the elevated teenage angst with adopted kids. Although I think this too can be worked around, but yes, it is something to be kept in mind.

      I don’t know whether or not I am the maternal type. I do love kids and bond with most of them so my instinct tells me I will not have bonding issues.. But let’s see..
      I’ll fine tune my thought process once we are hundred percent sure we will adopt. As of now, we aren’t.

  25. […] D for Dream […]

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