On friendships

I’ve never had too many friends in my life. I do have a lot of people I call my ‘hang out buddies’. But friends? I can say I have a total of 3 or maybe 4 real friends. And in all honesty, I have been quite content with this number. I know these are people I can count on. And I will not hesitate to rely on them. The rest of the hang out buddies, they may be willing to help me in times of need, but I am too hesitant to even ask them for help. It is a reflection of the equation I share with them. In my head, they’re good to just hang out and have fun with.

I’ve now reached a phase where I find myself wishing I had some good friends close to where we live. You see, while I do have a few good friends, I have nobody in close proximity to me. Not even my so called hang out buddies. All my friends (and even Mint’s for that matter) are scattered. Even the ones who are in the same city don’t really live close to us. So every time Mint and I have to meet our friends, we have to plan, coordinate, schedule and then travel a fair bit to meet them. While this isn’t too bad, it does make me miss the spontaneity of it all. Meeting a friend shouldn’t be a project. And that is what it has really turned into.

I miss the feeling of  having a friend over in the evening just to chat over a cup of coffee. I miss going to a friend’s place for an unplanned dinner. I miss the ability to step down for a night walk together. And most of all, I miss the support that comes with having friends in close proximity.

I’ve wondered if I have gone wrong somewhere. I live in an a very large apartment complex. Why have I not made any friends here so far? Almost everybody seems to have friends and support systems. I haven’t been able to figure where I went wrong. Maybe I suck at striking conversations with random strangers, especially without the ease of an opportune moment. But more than that, I think I haven’t really found too many like minded people.

There are the million kids, some in school, some in high school. They have their own groups and seem very happy playing chor police or football, depending on their age. Then there are the salwar kameez and sneaker clad aunties, taking walks in clusters. They seem to have formed solid friendships with each other. There are a few young parents too, watching over their kids in the evening. Now this group, I tell myself I can probably try tapping into.

But every time I have tried, I have faced rejection. The conversation wanders and invariably reaches a point where I feel judged for my choices. For marrying somebody from such a different community, for not having learnt his language yet (this one comes from people who belong to the same ‘different’ community), for not cooking myself on a daily basis, for not having had a child despite being married for so many years, for living in a nuclear set up and so far away from my inlaws. It just goes on. It makes me feel a strong disconnect. I feel like we belong to different worlds.

What makes it even sadder is that I do see some people who I suspect I will connect with. They look like us and I want to believe we will get along. Unfortunately like I mentioned, I really don’t excel at approaching people unless I find a suitable opportunity. And so far, I haven’t seen them show any inclination to talk or connect. So all I do is stand at a distance and wonder if we could have been friends.

I have a few friends who tell me having kids offers you a whole new avenue to make friends. It lets you connect with other parents and gives you a wider net. Chances of meeting like minded people is higher when you have a vast group to interact with. Maybe that is true to an extent. But on the other hand, I often see parents judging and being too critical of each other’s choices. So I wonder how it works. I think judgment is not conducive to friendship.

I don’t know what it is, but my theory is that it is much harder to make friends as we age. I also think, for a friendship to grow, you need to share some common experiences. That is probably why we make friends so easily in school. We are all in the same stage of life, studying the same subjects, hating and loving the same teachers, working on the same assignments. Even when we get to college. Other than the daily interaction, there is a certain sameness to our life that facilitates bonding.

As we grow though, the sameness gives way to differences. And when the core framework of our lives differs so greatly, we find it hard to fit in and align a piece that belongs to a different shape. And so we restrict our friendships to people with frameworks just like our own. Making friends is never as easy as it was. I think that is something I must accept.