A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

The act of moving on

Posted by Pepper on September 6, 2016

When I was little, I mean two ponytails and teddy bears little, I was conditioned into believing my life would follow a typical progression and I would be the mother of two kids by the time I hit 30. I would have a high paying job I love and look forward to everyday. I would also have a dog. And a fun and happening life. I admit, my conjured image of an ideal life was more driven by social conditioning than my own desires. Plus, I was young and stupid.

Having said that, I still didn’t imagine myself not having a single child by the time I turned 30. I suppose I got older a lot sooner than I expected to. I mean, I always wanted to have kids from the time I can remember. I just didn’t know when. When I got married, Mint told me in no uncertain terms that he never wanted to have kids. The word was ‘never’. While such statements did worry me at times, I knew in my heart that he was merely freaked out by the idea of raising a child. He would overcome his fear when the time was right. Also, we did have a lot of time on our hands. We married young.

Time as we all know is a slippery factor. It passes before you know it. All of a sudden, I found myself anxious about my age. I decided it was time to push Mint to think. After a lot of debates and discussions, he ‘agreed’ to have a child. This would worry me at times. Because he only agreed. He still didn’t seem to want it enough himself. But he told me this was the best he could give me. He wasn’t sure he would ever want kids desperately. He would only agree and maybe feel happy about his decision at a later point. But right now, agreement and an assurance that he would give parenting his best shot was all I would get. After more debates and discussions, we decided the time was right. After some more thought, we decided our first choice was to adopt a baby girl. When we signed up for adoption at the beginning of the year, I was ecstatic to get the ball rolling.

Little did I know then that our ride was going to be tumultuous, to say the least. Things changed rapidly. Our personal situation became so precarious that we could no longer be sure about adoption. But until we are sure we can’t adopt, we don’t want to give it up. And unfortunately, it is taking us some time to be sure of that. Our circumstances are making us dangle on the edge. And I find myself wondering everyday. How long should we hold on to this dream? Is it meant to be? Should we start thinking about having a biological baby if adoption isn’t working out? In the end, we decide to wait a little bit longer for adoption to work out before we think of embarking on the journey to have a biological child. This waiting however is wearing me out.

Mint often asks me, why I am so sure I am ready to have a baby. I think my desire to have a child right now is still mild. It hasn’t peaked, but I sense it is there. I think I want a child because I am bored of the monotony. I want to experience something intensely challenging and there are few things as challenging as parenthood. I know having a child will be exceptionally demanding. It will shake us and make us refocus. I like the sound of that. Plus watching a child grow is fascinating. That, and the truth that I can’t deny. I want a child because most people around me have one. And the world has led me to believe that I should have a child by now.

Sadly, since our personal situation is so wobbly and we don’t yet know what path we will take to have a child (and that we shouldn’t even be thinking of having a child until things settle down for us), I know waiting is imminent. A baby will most likely not be on the cards for us for a long time. A year? Maybe. More than that? Perhaps. I have no answers. The thought of my passing age makes me panic but there is little I can do other than convincing myself that though I may be 30, I am not that old. A delay worth a year or two might hurt me a little but it will not kill me.

The social pressure is momentous. Either it has escalated all of sudden, or I am falling prey to it now more than ever. At first, people would ask me when we planned to have a baby. It would anger me and I would respond based on the circumstances and who the questioning authority was. I would either find a polite way of asking them to f*ck off or I would brush it off and laugh. Things seem to have worsened now. From asking me when we plan to have a baby, people have now graduated to asking me if I am pregnant. This has made me cry twice. I’ve thrown a fit, wondering if I look that fat or have such a protruding belly.

People are ruthless and insensitive. I was asking a friend to drop by since she hasn’t yet been to our home, and she kept saying she would come only when I gave her a reason to come. It took me a while to understand her implication. She then went on to say her son would want some company and there was no child in our home. I really couldn’t think of how to respond. It’s just that much harder when people your age do it to you. You can’t even blame it on the mindset of a past generation.

And then there was my yoga instructor. Or rather my ex yoga instructor. She lives in our apartment complex and has known my family for ages. She conducts classes in the community hall. While I was trying to get some inputs on some muscle strengthening exercises, she told me she would rather show me some exercises that will help me conceive. She went on to add that the said exercises have worked for many women and that I would surely benefit. Boundaries anyone? I guess that concept is unheard of in India. I’m sorry, but if I ever need your help in conceiving, I will let you know, thank you. To say that I was enraged would be an understatement. It explains why the said teacher turned into an ex teacher.

Wherever I go, I am hounded by the baby question. The badgering is incessant and merciless. Even if I respond politely, I am subjected to more intense grilling. The fact that we’ve been married for six years makes us undergo constant scrutiny and interrogation. It has reached a point where I have begun to avoid social interaction.

Every move of mine is examined, inspected and dissected. If I am at a party and I refuse alcohol, people ask me if I am pregnant. God forbid I have a stomach upset or some unexplained nausea. People will move on to congratulating me. I feel so suffocated, I am scared to even let out a sigh, least it is interpreted the wrong way. I feel vulnerable wherever I go. I guess I didn’t find the questioning and the investigation half as grueling earlier because at that point I genuinely didn’t want to have kids. Now I think I am ready to have kids and the same questions sting me a lot more.

It’s easy to ask people to ‘not care’ about what others say. I am guilty of telling my unmarried friends to not care about the so called well meaning relatives’ nudges and jabs, asking them to get married. At times it is easy to ignore, but other times it is not. And it is especially hard when you struggling to achieve the same thing you are expected to have.

As for me, I think a lot about time lines. How important are they? What do you do when the time you take to achieve some goals overshoots the time limit you set out for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if our society is devised in such a way that it requires your life path to be constantly aligned with your peers. We usually do find it easier to connect with folks who are in the same phase as us. Whether it is the phase of choosing a partner and getting married, or experiencing parenthood, or the same level of seniority in professions, etc. The moment your lives stop running in parallel, you are made to feel a sense of alienation. Is this why we are pressured into following what is a typical trajectory?

If you’ve chosen differently or life didn’t happen to you at the same time, you’re going to be made to feel like a misfit or a social outcast, depending on how different your choice is and where you are placed at that time. I know we’ve chosen differently. And since adoption is still our first choice for having a baby, I think I have to prepare myself for a lifetime of being under the glare. I know I have to stand up and face the invasive spotlight that will always follow me. Much as I’d like, our unconventional choice doesn’t let me scurry into the shadows and live in oblivion.

Whether it is getting married, or reaching a certain milestone in your career, or having a baby, or buying a house when the world thinks it is time you should own one, or having baby no. 2, the probing never ends. I am actively working on desensitizing myself. One day, I know I will reach that zen emotional state. Hopefully, my posts will map the path I took to get there. Until then, I will continue to silently cringe at the comments and push myself to move on..

52 Responses to “The act of moving on”

  1. Hey don’t you worry sweetie! It is your choice as a couple that matters alone. Believe me, questions will never end. I have a five year old and have been pestered about planning a second from every third person in the town and since when? When son turned two, the questions were maddening. But see, we can’t blame people. This is a result of social conditioning. I am a single child and wanted to have a second. But faced some health issues and so, thoughts about second have sat on the back burner since then.

    The thing is, we have to develop a thick hide and, be impervious to stupidity and ignorance of people.

    This is the only solution. 🙂

    And I adore your posts and th honesty that dances in them…. keep blogging girl!! Hope you both take the best decision for yourselves 🙂 all the best 🙂

  2. Vani said

    I am 33, with a round belly which came suddenly (dear fat at tummy, please go). Married for 3 years and both of us dont want kids. If I dont drink at parties, people look at my belly (which is just fat), and make me conscious. I feel like punching their faces. People dont understand boundaries, forget about respecting.
    Wish you all the luck and strength for the little one to come :).

  3. Pepper, *I feel like I tell this all the time here but am going to say it anyway* I could have written this post. You know we are soon going to celebrate our 6th anniversary too and I have been under the glare right from day 1. The fact that I am an aunt before I am a mom is such a problem for many. And as you said, people are insensitive. Period. Just like Mint, S is not very keen on babies. He is ok with it just because he knows I love babies. Sometimes I just feel like venting it all out on my blog but then it is not so discreet anymore. Why is this such a pressure?! Sigh.

    • Pepper said

      God I can imagine how much you must be grilled because you are an aunt before you became a mom, especially since you have a younger sister. I feel like punching people who interfere too much.

      I hope you are able to vent, even if you think your blog is not discreet anymore. Maybe make it password protected?

  4. LG said

    Yes, I understand the turmoil you are going through. I was unmarried until 30, and grew up believing that by 30, my husband would be balding and my children would be asking me which group to take in 11th. By 29 I was sick and tired of being anxious and fending off questions all the time, and simply decided to let the worry/anxiety/obsession go…and what do you know, I met Mr. Right a few weeks after I made that decision.

    I am not saying you should let go and things will happen. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t – and besides, letting go is not something you can will yourself to do, it just happens spontaneously. But until that happens, there is nothing wrong about feeling what you do. The only advice I can give you from experience (I am 43) is that, just be in the moment, acknowledge your feelings and be kind to yourself, because no one else will be.

    And this too shall pass.

    • Pepper said

      I am learning to let go gradually. Even if i stop being hurt, I find it harder to stop being angry.
      Thanks so much, LG. For some reason, your comment was very comforting.

  5. S said

    I can very much relate to how you must be feeling being single at 30+ (I don’t want to be unmarried, not yet married) and addition to it a younger sister about to be married. You can only imagine things I get to hear what all is wrong with me. From being overweight, dark, not liking to be decked up, enjoy being alone to being adamant and getting my way. Also accused of being brought up in secured environment by my parents that I don’t want to be outside the house. And this coming from a person who is married but distant (mentally) with the partner. Something you will not call a happy marriage.
    Some days are real bad some I am like ‘I don’t care’. I have been shifting from I am ready to marry anyone that says a ‘yes’ to not marry till I am convinced about the person. But somewhere deep down I believe I will find someone who will like me for who I am, where we share similar likes for nature, travel and grow old together and happy. I cannot visualize the kids as of now but if I am given a choice I may also not opt for one. Rather I would follow my dream to earn to travel and not manage the school, tuition schedules. What rat-race should I put them to when I still don’t like the way my cousins are running behind marks and classes. It really does not feel worth it. There are joys but to give that love you don’t have to be a biological mother.
    I have seen a handful couples around me who are related who are together for the kid (I wonder if the they think kids don’t see the no-chemistry) someone waiting for the partner to die of cancer so that her tension is over and can lead a free life, couples who lived together till the kids were young and now don’t know what to do with their time and having themselves to each other all round the clock and cannot stand each other. Is this life? Is this what you tell me to get married so that I have someone to look after me when there is no one and I am not alone?
    A friend advised me to get ready, do make-up, wear ‘expensive’ clothes and get my photos clicked to be put on a matrimonial site. She has herself used contact lenses till there was a ‘yes’ and a steady relation. And now she can wear spectacles and no make-up as their goals are to raise their child. So the it does not matter to the husband. But there is nothing they share what they like other than the child. One is open while other is over-protective of the kid. He does not like to travel and would rather sit at home or work while she wants to go to outings, workshop etc. But doing these things are must to get married. All expect and all do.
    Should a person like for whom I am not?
    Sometimes the rational thinking ticks in and sometime I feel like agreeing to whatever people say. But I know I would do it halfheartedly. it will not make me happy to know a person is ready to meet me for my photo and hoping to see the same me which I am not. I would rather be single or should I get married as all have at my age?

    • Pepper said

      I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. It’s ironical that the pressure to get married also comes from people who are in unhappy marriages. I suppose our conditioning runs so deep, they think they are in a better place than you despite their unhappy marriage. The way we think is just sad.

      I’m not sure if your last question is addressed to me or to yourself, but if you are asking me, I will definitely ask you to not get married unless you meet the right person, age not withstanding. Who we marry has the potential to change our life and you don’t want to be in a vulnerable spot. I sense that you already realise this, which is why you’ve chosen to be single until now rather than marrying whoever comes your way. You are right, the person you marry has to like the real you instead of liking a decked up image of you. The right person will come along at the right time. 🙂

  6. First off, hugs. It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive human beings are and how much is taken for granted. I’ve been married 3+ years, and every occasion (Ganesh Chathurthi, New Year, birthdays, anniversaries) are considered an occasion to wish me to have a baby soon. I know my husband and I want a baby, so I smile and say ‘thank you for the blessings’ and let it go, but it always bugs me that people make these assumptions. What if we didn’t want children? What if we were trying and struggling to conceive? No one spares a moment to think and maybe not be so-judgey immediately.

    Hugs pepper.

    • Pepper said

      That, exactly that assumption that everybody wants a child and should be working towards having one gets to me. It is the root of all my anger. But it is what it is.. just got to learn to deal. You are a very sweet person if all you do is thank people for their blessings. I used to actually speak up and tell people we’re not trying to have a baby right now, so they can save their blessings for later.

  7. Sadhuvi said

    Hi, I understand your pain fully ..This society is always like this..People always interfere in all stages of our life…Yes,I am sure it will hurt like anything …Whatever we achieve as an individual, will not be considered if we are not married or don’t have kids..It is easy to say that we should ignore their comments, but I know, practically it is very much difficult..

    But still, these incidents help us to understand the true color of so called friends and relatives…Believe it or not, I have seen people who hurt others, getting punished in some other way…Poetic Justice still exists…

    So, Please don’t worry and try to ignore them…I don’t want to sound philosophical, but pls remember “This too shall pass”..

    Take care…

    • Pepper said

      This too shall pass might sound philosophical, but it is the truth of life. Everything passes, the good and the bad. Hopefully one day I will look back and only think of this as a lesson in patience 🙂

  8. Stu said

    Oh God that’s enough to make one mad! I honestly wouldn’t have expected people in today’s time and age to be as stupid! To be fair, I wasn’t asked any of these questions (i had a baby at 31, after being married for over seven years), so I think it’ll be fair for me to say you’re surrounded by jerks.

    There one, AND ONLY ONE, reason for you to have a baby. When you feel you want one. Yes the reality will still be so goddamn different from the rosy picture you may view it to be, but then it’d have been solely YOUR decision to have had a baby. It’s a gruelling challenging nerve-racking exhilarating terrifying experience – make sure you only commit for the only reason which makes it worthwhile.

    And people can say whatever crap they want to. Asses.

    Best wishes!

  9. MissH said

    Dear Pepper, this is a very much “been there done that” kinda post to me. My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years now and we decided at the very beginning that we should have kids only when we WANT to and not just due to the societal pressure [including both sets of parents]. I gave birth to my beautiful princess who is now 10 months old only when I really WANTED and when I truly felt that it was time. Luckily, I had her just 2 weeks before I turned 30 just exactly how I planned. I must mention God has been kind in letting everything happen just like I wanted and hoped but I never ever let anyone influence this decision of mine because remember having a baby is a life changing event. I’m not trying to scare you and I hope you understand this. Everything and anything in our lives, after the baby arrives, will either directly or indirectly have the baby involved. So all that matters is whether or not you and your life partner are ready to embrace the new roles by putting your whole and soul in raising the wonderful little human you both create. Ah! How lovely that sounds! And let me tell you – giving birth, taking care and watch the baby grow is just wonderful – something that makes you feel special everyday, but remember, everything in life comes with a price. I do not know if what I wrote here makes any sense or if I was as expressive as I intended to be but ultimately keep in mind that it is you and Mint who will be dealing with the life after baby and not anyone else who just tries to give unwanted suggestions. Also, I just wish everything goes well with the adoption process and you get to bring the princess home soon.

    Last but not the least, this is my very first comment although I’ve been a loyal reader since 2011. May be I should start delurking on all the blogs that I have been following since then and that includes PB’s blog for instance 🙂 Much love and please relax and take a deep breath – everything will be alright.

    • Pepper said

      I know everything in our life changes after we have a baby. I think that is partly why we’ve pushed this decision so much. We have so far not wanted to change everything in our life and make it baby oriented. Now on some days I feel ready to bring in those changes but other days I chicken out again. That’s why I said my desire to have a baby is at present mild, it hasn’t peaked. But on the other hand I think people like us need to just take the plunge. We might ever feel fully ready.

      Thanks for delurking MissH! It makes me very happy to know the silent readers. Please do delurk elsewhere. I am sure PB will be pleased too !

  10. Bhavani said

    Hi Pepper,
    I totally get you on the social and peer pressure apart from my own family/inlaws in my case. In our case, it was infertility issues and we went through a lot. I had my first one after 10 yrs of marriage when I was 35. And then 2nd one at 38 which just happened without struggle when we did not care about a 2nd kid with all the struggle for the first one.

    I exactly went through all the emotions added to all the hormonal treatments, failures and what not. I stopped going to kiddy bdays, dreaded big family events and was even guilty all the time as if I was depriving my inlaws of a grand child…it was a very rough phase for us..but hubby was a rock support always always there..so survived…I was never able to “Not care” people’s comments…it hurts for sure…

    Each one has a story and personal views and I totally respect it. From what I have gone through, this is one thing I always understand. Hope people understand this. I might have asked some people in a fun way also..but my intention was not to mock at them or make them feel low…now I realize what the other person feels.

    Take care and good luck with everything…am sure with time things will work out and you will do what is the best for you…


    • Pepper said

      Oh gosh, I feel so stricken with the comments even though we’re not trying to have a baby yet. I can’t imagine how it must have been for you when you were fighting infertility. I had no idea you’ve been through so much. The roller coaster, with the hormones, the failures, the guilt and the social jabs sounds exhasting. And that too for such a prolonged period.

      It makes me even happier to see the way life rewarded you after all the uncertainty. It reinstates my belief that everything comes at the right time. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It certainly made me feel more optimistic about life. Lots of love!

  11. Ami said

    Dear Pepper,

    It is natural to get irritated/angry/sad about people’s comments on matters that are personal but also important to distance oneself from the effect. I don’t know what is worse – comments from people close to us or from random strangers. I will share with you my experience of handling it since I have found this technique to be very useful. I get comments about my profession (what should I do and how to get ahead quickly), about why I do not move to the same city as my mother (since she was widowed recently), about my dressing style (I mostly wear jeans, salwar-kurta), my eating habits (not close to ideal weight at all), my singlehood (I am 36, never married, never intended to get married and do not intend to get married in future as well).
    Technique: I usually use humor to make fun of the comment and sometimes (wickedly) of the person and then get back to the conversation calmly. It works better than being either gentle or aggressive and adds a moment of laughter to my life (at their expense of course but then they created the situation!). The best outcome of using humor is that people learn their lesson quickly. For instance, I was travelling abroad on work recently and a relative (we are not very close) called up and started advising me about what things I should carry including clothes since it would be cold in that city. I do not know why she assumed I would not check the temperature of the destination on the internet (probably because she is not very tech-savvy). I kept telling her in a serious tone that I would be only carrying cotton sarees (she is aware that I do not wear sarees, ever). She was so into her advisor’s role that she failed to notice that I was insisting on carrying clothes that I do not wear; she finally did realize this after a minute or so. Then there was silence and I politely changed the topic to the weather. You will need some patience, a little bit of humour and loads of sarcasm. Try it. It is fun.

    P. S: I discovered your blog today and read through many posts all at once because I liked your writing style as well as your stories. I usually comment on blogs only occasionally but I thought of writing today because I think it is important to share our experiences on such topics.

    • Pepper said

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts, Ami! Sharing such experiences helps us feel more equipped to cope.

      The technique you use sounds great. My problem is that my brain momentarily freezes when exposed to such annoying statements and I fail to come up with a fitting response at that time. I come up with great responses and think of sarcastic things I could have said after the moment has passed. Unfortunately, the offender hardly gets a taste of my sarcastic humour.

      Other times, I do think of an appropriate response at the right time, but I feel too worn out by the complexities it could create as a result. Example, my mom’s well meaning friend telling me I should now focus on havng a baby, my responding in a sarcastic way, she considering that to be rude, she feeling hurt and telling my mom and it impacting their friendship, bla bla… you see, sometimes it is a vicious circle, so I stop myself from responding at that point.

      • Ami said

        I understand Pepper. In some situations, we are hesitant to respond in such a manner for fear of repercussion. And yes, my brain freezes too if people say these things when I am least expecting it. So now I have learned to have ready responses before getting into the situation. Like if she says A, I respond with B; and if he says X, I reply Y. If I were in your situation I do not know how I would have responded to the baby question. But when people ask me about things that they expect me to have done by this age (such as marriage), I have only one reply that I use for all. No matter who asks me about my plans for any life event, I usually tell them to “relax because whenever it happens you will be the first to know.” I give this response to relatives and friends (both distant and close), colleagues, acquaintances or people I have just met; even if both parties know fully well that we’re not close enough to share such news with each other. That usually communicates what I want to say without sounding downright rude.

        • Pepper said

          I agree, having ready responses helps a lot. I too should formulate some responses in my head, so I don’t have to think on my feet when the moment occurs. The ‘relax, you will be the first to know when it happens’ is a good response. I think I can use it for the baby question too. Just that I’m a little worried it could imply that we are trying for a baby and then that could lead to further questions. But I think it is worth a shot, it may just as well shut people up for the time being. That’s all I want for now!

  12. Hugs darling. I have no idea what to tell you to comfort you, but I know you will one day reach that zen mode.

  13. The Bride said

    Your reasons for having a baby are honest and sound pretty good. Very few people say they want a baby because it’s challenging. People think it’s going to be fun and are in for a rude shock (it is fun, but it’s a lot of work).

    It’s one thing for older folks to question you – they don’t know any better yada yada – but I would totally tell younger people to shove off in no uncertain terms. I think young people should be familiar with how oppressive the nagging is, so they can’t turn into nag themselves when they have a child. How rude is it to tell someone you won’t go to their house just because they don’t have a child to entertain their child?

    And yeah, the most insensitive thing about this whole interrogation process is that it hurts the people who actually do want to have a child but can’t at that point for whatever reason.

    • Pepper said

      Yeah, the nagging from the young people gets to me. And it isn’t just from people who have a child, btw. Even the newly married ones (who don’t yet have a child themselves) think it is their right to question us because we’ve been married for so long. I should probably just ask them to STFU instead of thinking of ways to respond politely..

  14. Varsha said

    Hi Pepper..I am at the same stage as you right now. People seem to be more concerned about other’s lives than their own. The best way of tackling it is just to ignore them and laugh it off. 🙂

  15. Babushka said

    I hope writing this post made you feel better, albeit temporarily. It did make a very realistic read, to be honest. Of course nobody knows the concept of privacy and boundaries — social bullying has graduated to becoming what seems to be a necessary evil.
    More strength and good thoughts to you. 🙂

  16. anjeneyan said

    Understand your predicament. Progeny is viewed as a natural progression or purpose of marriage. The desire to pursue a career,profession or job and deciding not to have children is not understood in Indian society, though I know few couples who have taken such a decision and stuck to it. In my experience, no one can time the arrival of a child. This is a choice God makes. Best wishes for success in all ur endeavors.

  17. Preethi said

    Hugs Pepper….
    As you said, it is much more difficult to take it from the people of the same generation. We attended a birthday party and I was playing with a small baby. His Mom comes and tells me, “play with him, cuddle him more. May be then you would feel the motherly instincts and would want to plan for your own.” To say I was shocked is an understatement. She is not even a Friend of mine, just an acquaintance.
    I just don’t understand how people can be so rude and insensitive to others feelings. I now have 2 kids of my own but I never give any suggestion to even my best friends regarding their personal matters until asked for.
    Sorry, all I can say is that you have to develop a thick skin.

    • Pepper said

      Yes, exactly. So many comments I get are from people I barely know. Wonder what makes random people think they have the right to tell you what to do with your life..

  18. Bikramjit said

    and godwilling you surly will keep moving on.. you have hit the nail no matter what you do someone will always have something to say .. such comments dont bother me at all NOW.. I just dont bother to listen I have been RUDE enough to some who wont shutup that when they start to say something I simply get up and Walk away .. maybe One day they will get the Hint.. or with everything else they say about me they can add one more live .. Bikram is very RUDE 🙂 simplesssssssss

    • Pepper said

      Sometimes, I think being rude is good. You need honesty and courage to be rude. And it’s the only thing that seems to work in some situations.. Good for you!

  19. maverick4ll said

    Society is a tap which can be turned on and off to suit self..
    the above seems to work for us very well when it comes to the societal pressures and expectations of kids. We are probably a couple similar in age group and attributes to you guys. I never wanted kids and my better half has been pretty much on the same boat. We haven’t ruled out kids but sure don’t need the society dictating when and how in any aspect of our lives. I take particular pleasure in mocking society when i choose and take it is a feather in my hat when i’m frowned upon. But hey…i’m entertained and as long as i pay for my life and earn my keep i couldn’t care 2 hoots about society and its norms pertaining procreating kids et al. Like i said society is a tap i regulate with regards to its influence in my life and it does seem to work. Be it mumbai, chennai, india or abroad. It seems to work for me.
    You have a good blog going here and cheers on that.

  20. anna's mom said

    I got married at 25; had the first kid at 27; the second one at 30. So I never really faced many questions from people since we are the ‘good kids’ who did everything according to ‘plan’. But I have faced insensitive questions from people who just can’t understand why I’m no longer available to show up for a wedding in another city, go out after work etc. etc. Some people just have no filter and just can’t imagine a lifestyle/viewpoint different from their own. I’ve also been told that I can’t have enjoyed my life much since I’ve had kids so early.
    Hope things fall in place for you soon 🙂

    • Pepper said

      I know what you mean. I got married at 23 and according to some people it was ideal, but according to a lot of people that was way too early and that I had chosen to ‘kill my freedom’ too soon. I’m amused sometimes. Who decides all of this..

  21. dipali55 said

    I’m so sorry- hope things fall into place, and that well-meaning people stop hounding you. We tend to be a nation of busy bodies. Big hugs.

  22. MR said

    Wow there is so much interference in something so personal. I thought as we progressed this changed, apparently not. This was the same story 20 yrs ago and stays the same i assume. I was in my hey days a very rude person i suppose. i made it v clear to any aunty or friend asking about kids that it was not their concern. i went so far as to ask if they were going to take care and pay for it. I think word spread about my rudeness. i was otherwise a smiling person. i think to avoid being embarrassed when i loudly asked them questions back they stopped asking. . not the best behavior but i can say it worked like a charm.
    You should have babies when you want, where you want, how you want, adopt, our own, someones whatever works for you as a couple at that time.
    My only advise, dont avoid anyone dont put a stop to your life. dont listen ( yes easier said than done) but possible and you will remain happy.
    My husband loved kids was desperate to have them, i was not so . Im very happy with mine but i still feel i could have been just as happy without kids. not everyone has a need for them. i need more breaks from them than my husband . i need my space. maybe your mint is like that. yet it doesnt mean i cannot be a great mom. All will be well, things will happen when it is meant to happen. so chill, enjoy your days and freedom and tell those nosy people to buzz off.

    • Pepper said

      Oh we’ve been told off for giving responses like ‘ We’re not yet financially ready for a baby’.. because how dare me make such statements? I’ve been told things like every baby brings their own destiny with them, and what is destined to happen will happen. So we shouldn’t try to plan our finances or bother about money. People are just so annoying.

      I know avoiding social gatherings will only make me lose out. I am trying to develop a thick skin.

  23. Kuch toh log kahenge… Logon ka kaam hai kehna…

  24. Stutee Nag said

    You won’t remember me. I started reading your blog some one and a half year ago, and fell in love with it. Well, that was me going a little overboard but I did have some sort of an infatuation for your blog. Then ,,well, then I got married and have spent the past one and a half year figuring out a new city, a new job, a new mum, a new dad and a new overgrown baby. Well, now that i am feeling finally feeling settled I am relapsing into my old habits.. so I had to be here.. just to check what’s up with you. Well, nothing really you have the same loony stories,, an apparently friend more less husband (not a husband- husband) I have an arranged marriage, which comes with a punch of salt,,, did i just say punch? Pinch****.

    So I am 28 now and suddenly the baby fever has started showing its symptoms around me too. I love babies.. but .. i dont know.. I am scared.. and I am sure I am heading down your lane now.. Curious bua ji’s.. random uncles,, anxious Mom-1, and Mom-2… urghhhhhhhh,, I don’t know what my point is, I am just ranting… very much on the lines of “Chal behen chugli karien”.. Roughly translated that should mean,”come sista,, lets bitch” .. However, I am not even sure who do I want to bitch about? The Society? lol I would make for the worst gossip section ever.
    Imagine if you will a gossip section begining something like this, “What is wrong with us? Where do we stand as a society? And if a sania mirza can get away with not having to “settle” what about us less succressfull mortals..Does No Grand slams mean 2 babies? or 3 babies?

    I could go on you know.. but I guess it just felt better… to write

    • Pepper said

      Not sure if you’ve commented before, but your name sounds oddly familiar. Maybe I do remember you!

      Congratulations on the marriage, new job and other happy events in your life 🙂

      I know what you mean about being surrounded by gossip. Us humans are like that and for most people, gossip has become a thing to bond over. I hope you don’t stress about the pressure like I do. I hope you are able to acquire a strong shield and you do things only if and when you want to.

      Keep me posted on your journey 🙂

  25. Aruna said

    I feel for u, sister. I am sailing in the same boat, though it’s me who doesn’t want a baby. Thankfully, i have a wonderful husband who wants what i want in this aspect.
    We are celebrating our 5th anniversary this year and i can understand the pressure that u are talking about.
    Yes, the society wants us to follow a set path. If we deviate even a little bit, then we are made to feel like misfits. But it’s ok. It is their insecurity. They don’t know how to deal with people like us, who are not on the so called “path”.
    What helped me to reach the zen mode is,
    1. Focusing on myself. Finding out what i want to do in my life and walking that path
    2. When i am occupied with my own life, i hardly get to interact much with such gossip mongers
    3. As most of those who enquire about my pregnancy ask only out of curiosity and not really out of concern, i just give them very rude answer and ask them to mind their own bleddy business. I do this for all the other women who genuinely want a baby and are not able to conceive, as such qns will tear their heart to pieces. I owe that much to our sisters.
    4. Ask all these ppl to just f off right on their face, so that they would rather pee in their pants rather than ask about my menstrual cycle.

    Hugs and cheers!

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