A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

It’s still hard

Posted by Pepper on January 30, 2021

I would expect my heart to be immune to the longing it feels. When will I be granted immunity? I miss my family like crazy. Every evening when I am on video calls with my mom and dad, I am overcome by this desire to hug them. Hearing from them how madly they miss us doesn’t make it any easier. Especially when I see them aching for Cotton and Candy.

Living in USA was not a part of my life plan. And definitely not after I had kids. I was supposed to raise my kids close to my mom and dad. I grew up with not just one, but both sets of grandparents in close quarters. I was the center of that love and pampering that only comes from grandparents. I expected the same for my kids. Neither did I ever imagine making my parents go through such depths of deprivation.

But yet, here we are. If you have read this blog for long, you will know that we consciously chose to move back to India from the US at one point. And yet, we couldn’t fight the forces that brought us back here. It has been many years of living here, and I still don’t learn to accept what is my fate.

I don’t talk about this often, but my mental health isn’t very sound. The dissonance I feel because of living so far away isn’t easy to deal with. Other than that, I have severe anxiety. My parents’ precarious health worries me. To add to it, the fear of covid makes everything infinitely worse.

Some days are good. I actually breathe easy and appreciate all that this country has to offer. I appreciate the life I have here. Some days are terrible when all I am wondering about is why I live where I live. I have prayed hard for grace and acceptance. True acceptance of my situation, so that I can learn to be at peace.

It’s a long journey though and I have many miles to go before I can say I have fully accepted my own life’s choices.

22 Responses to “It’s still hard”

  1. reena sheikh said

    You are in my prayers dear. Stay strong!

  2. Lots of Hugs to you Pepper! Staying away from my family is very hard for me too. I hope you are reunited with your family soon. Take care, I hope you find the strength to get through this!

  3. Hugs Pepper.

  4. Akhila said

    Certain things, we have no choice..it’s hard..I get you totally πŸ’―

  5. paatiamma said

    I can totally get you Pepper !! It is such a pain being away from parents and living abroad with two small kids , managing them alone is soo tough !! Also health problems of parents is a major concern !! Hugs !!

    • Pepper said

      Thanks Paatiamma..I really wonder some days how we are going about our lives with kids with zero support. I see tons of people doing it around me and while many are struggling, I also see so many going about it wth relative ease. I think a lot depends on your inherent personality too and both Mint and I really don’t enjoy working hard. It takes a toll on us..And then the mental stress because of parents health and the distance gets too much to handle on some days… SIgh. But that’s life, and we need to learn to cope.

  6. Hugs, Pepper! πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€— I understand this al too well. I am ready to just drop everything and go back even today. I sometimes wonder what we are doing here. But there are good days, especially for Sam, that make me feel maybe we are doing ‘something’ right? This COVID situation is definitely not helping. Hang in there…hopefully this summer will be much much better for everyone.

    • Pepper said

      Yeah? Well, good for you, if you think at least Sam is benefiting from your stay here. I don’t feel convinced that kids benefit more here either. I only think of how much they would really benefit from the love they got in India, the rest of the pros of living here don’t weigh as much. Clearly, I am still in that phase where I am questioning everything..

  7. Aarti said

    May be you can invite them over for a few months every year after COVID? That will surely help.

    • Pepper said

      If this was a possibility, I would not be in the state I am. My parents can’t come here because they can’t manage their pre existing medical conditions within the purview of visitor’s insurance. This is the biggest cause of my anxiety and my low state of mind.

  8. MysTri Mum said

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. I know first hand how crippling anxiety can be and COVID & not being able to see family has made it even worse for me. Sending you a bucket load of peace and strength xx

  9. Hugs Pepper πŸ€— Hope you get to meet them soon and have a lovely time !

  10. da-AL said

    wishing you the best, dear πŸ™‚

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