A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

Archive for the ‘Chaos’ Category

Insanity and confusion

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H for Hope

Posted by Pepper on December 3, 2015

I had all intentions of using the letter H to write about my Hyderabad trip. Unfortunately, the recent chain of events has left me quite distressed. I am talking about the incessant downpour and floods in Chennai. I am sure most people know that the city is going through some very tough times. It is practically battling to survive.

We got through the in-laws with great difficulty yesterday. They had been without electricity for a while. Thankfully, the water had not yet entered their home (last evening), but only the last step was not submerged. They also told us the level was rising rapidly, so the house could get flooded anytime. Their plan was to stay put on the first floor. Unfortunately, we got reports that said that the water level had risen up to the first floor in many of the houses in the area they live in. This worried us, because beyond the first floor, they have nowhere to go. This is when I wished they lived in a high rise apartment instead of a one floor bungalow.

All communication lines have been dead. We haven’t been able to reach them since yesterday. We hope and pray they are safe and not in any dire trouble. As of now, heavy rains continue to lash the city. The news continues to be grim. Here’s hoping and praying that everybody in the city gets some much needed relief soon.

 

Posted in Chaos | 11 Comments »

Noise

Posted by Pepper on October 30, 2015

So, I disappeared from this space. Again. This time, I have not been simply lazy. I have been way too overwhelmed by the current happenings of my life.

A couple of weeks ago, we were given a choice. We were told to make a decision soon. It just felt like life had thrown a googly at us. How do we choose? Logic and practicality? Or emotion and convenience? We know we can’t have it all. It has to be one over the other. What we prioritize is obviously upto us. I have made most decisions of my life based on emotion. The question that looms ahead now is, can we afford to base our choice solely on emotion? It is a luxury I am not sure we have anymore.

Will we still go by emotion, even if it comes at a high price? Or will we choose logic and attain the much sought after benefits that come with it? I know the choice we make has the potential to change the fabric of our lives. We are completely overwhelmed. All around us, we are surrounded by noise. Noise created by the ideals other people are chasing. Noise created by everybody else’s definitions of ‘important’. The noise is snatching away my sense of clarity.

I’m sorry for sounding so cryptic. I will write a detailed post as soon as we sail through this phase and know where we stand. As of now, whenever I feel too disoriented, this is what I say to myself.

Posted in Chaos | 27 Comments »

????

Posted by Pepper on January 29, 2015

Life seems to be playing some kind of a game with me. A game in which the forces unite to screw me. Over and over. In fact, if I didn’t have a rational mind, I would even call this black magic. Because really, how do you explain the recurrent occurrence of such events in my life without bringing in the involvement of a dark sinister power?

I was buckling under the pressure of work. I already mentioned I couldn’t have dad by my side because he was forcefully involved in too many other things. I didn’t know how to cope. There were critical issues and there were looming deadlines. I could feel stress running through my veins. Finally, dad was able to free himself from all the crap he was entangled in and get back to work.

Some days ago, we were driving to work when he complained of severe pain in the left side of his stomach. We decided to check with a doctor as soon as we could. Before we knew it, the pain was unbearable and was reaching the left side of his back. He couldn’t sit through it and was grimacing constantly. That made me panic and I drove him to emergency.

They checked the BP and it was really high. From the symptoms, the doctors said it was kidney stone. Since he was in unbearable pain, they admitted him to the hospital and administered an intravenous drip. He was okay for a while but the pain reoccurred in full force in just a few hours. A lot of tests and investigations followed.

It’s been 3 days since I am pacing in the hospital. The work pressure is so high, but unfortunately, I can’t not face it. Unless I want it all to result in humongous losses for the company. So I work from the hospital. My papa continues to be in severe pain and discomfort. They will observe him for another day and then decide whether or not they need to intervene surgically. Also, his reports indicate reduced kidney function and I am beyond terrified. The doctors say maybe it is only because of the stone. Hopefully, kidney parameters will start falling in range once the stone is removed. I really hope so, because after Daddy and Oregano, I don’t know if I can deal with another kidney ailment. The worry is driving me mad.

I shuffle between office and hospital as much as I can. But it all seems like some nightmare to me. Do I focus on work? Do I focus on the big decision I was supposed to make about our company? Do I focus on dad? Right now, I am most worried about him. What the fuck is going on in my life? I am so close to having a nervous breakdown. I am not designed to cope with such pressures hitting me from all sides.

To add to it, Mint isn’t in town for a whole week. I don’t know how I will survive. I have important meetings lined up at work. I have deadlines that I can’t miss. I have other issues to cater to. And dad may need a surgery. I want to sob. Please God, make this end soon.

Posted in Chaos | 62 Comments »

From a glass wall..

Posted by Pepper on October 28, 2014

I love writing posts that are joyous. They come to me easily. Writing about your hurt on the other hand, calls for some courage. To admit that your life is not as merry as you would like it to be is not easy. But here I am. Acknowledging the imperfections and baring myself. Well, it isn’t hard to guess that I feel very sullen and disturbed at the moment.

I’ve had two lousy fights with Mint in two days. It is emotionally draining. Moreover, the fights are so ridiculous, it gets me mad that the two of us can have such enormous fights over nothing! Ofcourse, in my mind, Mint is responsible for blowing it out of proportion. According to him, it is all my doing.

Two days ago, Mint and I were driving back from somewhere. He was at the wheel. Traffic was particularly chaotic at one junction. The car adjacent to us brushed against our side view mirror. It was such a minor collision, I did not believe it caused even a scratch. The driver in the other car looking into our car, mouthed a ‘sorry’ and raised his hand in apology. I smiled at him and told him it was okay with a gesture of my hand.

The next thing I know, Mint is racing up to that car and glaring at the driver with all his might. I turned to Mint and said, ‘Why are you glaring at him like this? The guy said sorry already’. Mint asked me, ‘When did he say sorry?’. I was surprised Mint had missed the silent mouthing and the hand gestures. So I told him, ‘He did show his hand’. Mint’s next sentence is what made me see red. His exact words were, ‘He did not show his hand’.

Huh? That statement can have only two implications. Either I am hallucinating. Or I am lying. I was furious beyond words. Because this is not the first time Mint has thoughtlessly dismissed something I have said. I instantly unbuckled my seat beat. I wanted to tap on the window of that car and get the driver to admit to Mint that he had indeed said sorry. I had this burning urge to furnish some evidence. Sometimes I have this undying need to prove myself when I know I am right. I didn’t even utter a word to Mint, but my expressions and action (the anger with which I unbuckled myself) may have conveyed to Mint just how furious I was.

My fury is what got him furious. ‘Why do you have to get so mad at everything? Why do you react like that. Why do you want to pick up a fight all the time?’. I couldn’t believe he had the gall to say that after passing that statement. When I asked him, he said he meant ‘He didn’t see the guy showing his hand’. Well then, your wording was all wrong. And that tends to happen all the time, he doesn’t word his statements right. Why can’t you watch what you say, I ask him? Why do you always stick to words, he asks me? He was screaming. It was only feeding my rage.

I had not even said a word to Mint when he passed that statement, let alone shouted at him the way I wanted to. He got that mad only seeing my expression and watching me unbuckle my seat belt. I thought that was unfair beyond words. Here I am, showing enough restrain to not scream when you dismiss something I have said with so much conviction. But do I not have the space and freedom to even react silently? My expression wasn’t even voluntary. I don’t think I was even conscious of it. And he had to pick at how angry I looked instead of apologising for a wrongly worded statement he made?

No, we didn’t sort this issue out. We merely stopped talking about it. I continued to blame him. He continued to blame me. We decided to let go. But I am sure this stayed between us. It sure stayed inside me. I always need closure and leaving something open ended like that bothers me deeply.

I do not have the energy to write about our second dispute. But it was *exactly* the same as the first one. He passed an unfair statement. Yes, he agreed later that the statement was unfair. This statement came after I had gone out of my way to do something for him. Obviously, when I heard that statement, I reacted and asked him what he meant by that. I know I sounded angry, but I maintain I was well within my right to exhibit atleast some anger after I had done so much for him. No, I didn’t expect a thank you from him. But the last thing I expected was that statement. And that is how it began again. Him screaming and asking me why I have to shout and fight for everything? After all, he was only asking me a question. The accusation always feels like a slap on my face.

So that has been the formula for our recent fights. He says something inappropriate. I react. He reacts because I react. And it goes on. I am guessing I can just put an end to all this unpleasantness if I do not react to the things he says and does, but that I think is very unfair and difficult. It will suffocate me if I am forced to always suppress my reactions. Even if my reactions are not extreme, he still expects me to have NO reaction and tell him whatever I have to say in a very calm and zen way, irrespective of how outrageous I find his words. Hah! Perhaps that doesn’t sound unreasonable, but it does not come easy.

We haven’t spoken after our last fight. It has been an entire day. He went on to watch a movie on TV right after we fought while I paced around, disturbed. How does he do it? And his behaviour is so out of character. I kept wondering what happened to my ever patient, ever caring and affectionate Mint? When I tried to swallow my ego and talk to him, he flatly refused to have any conversation with me. Great. He even left the house to go on and complete some chores without informing me. When I called him and asked him if he cared to let me know before he left, he just told me a cold ‘No’. I hung up, feeling a sudden ache in my gut.

I really wonder if I deserve such nastiness. Since those accusations have been hurled fast and thick, I have asked him if that is how he perceives me. Somebody who only loves to fight with him for no reason. On the other hand, I am the one who feels hurt by his thoughtless remarks and yet he is the one who blames me in the end.

And so he continues to sit on his throne of self righteousness. I really wish he would want to come up to me to console me instead of withdrawing like this. I know I did my part by trying to make amends with him, twice. We need to communicate with each other and figure out what is bothering us so much. I tried to get him to talk. It wasn’t easy going up to him when I expected him to come to me. I had to crush my pride. And yet, all I got from him in the end was arrogance and a blatant lack of will to make peace. So I let go. I know it is pointless to try again. Besides, my pride (or is it self respect?) will not permit me to go up to him once again. So I spend my day feeling distressed, angry and sad, while I suspect he goes about without much remorse? I don’t know. I am just so done with it all.

Posted in Chaos, Splashes of Mint, Uncategorized | 58 Comments »

We are our choices

Posted by Pepper on August 5, 2014

I’ve been a little quiet around here. Mostly because I’ve been living a dazed existence and don’t quite know what to say. I feel like I am living in some sort of a limbo. And for somebody who freaks out at the loss of control, this doesn’t come easy.

I’m sorry if my statements sound overly dramatic. Nothing earth shattering happened. I am just annoyed and exhausted with the lack of progress we’re making with our new home. For those of you who keep asking me, no we haven’t moved into our place yet. We’re still staying with my parents. Please don’t go on to ask me why. I hate to answer that.

Because there is no real justification. Our reasons are considered vain. Nobody really understands them. In order to move in, we had to make a few immediate purchases that would make the place livable. I can’t go on tell you how stressed out we’ve been because of our inability to decide. To pick and choose.

What is the best water purifier? Should we get an RO? Does Mumbai really need an RO? Or will UV treatment suffice? Maybe UV is enough for Mumbai, but what if we decide to move to a city that requires RO too? We won’t be able to carry the water purifier with us if it is only UV. Should we get a sofa cum bed that is not very soft or should we get a soft and cosy sofa that comes without a pull out bed? Will we need a sofa cum bed? Will we really have visitors? Shouldn’t we just focus on comfort? What if we regret not having a pull out bed later? Should we get an ottoman for the sides or should we go for single seaters? Oh, ottoman won’t have backsupport. Maybe a bean bag is the best. But will everybody be comfortable sitting on bean bags?

Should we buy an instant water heater for the bathroom or should we buy a boiler that takes time to heat? Will the instant water heater be able to take the load of a long, high pressure shower? Will a boiler be better for lengthy showers? But will we remember to turn it on before our shower? How long will it take to heat? Will we even have that much time in the morning? What colour should our flooring be? Will a dark wood shade make the room look too small? How much can we spend on a refrigerator? Will the dimensions of the fridge fit in the designated nook of our kitchen?

Mint spending *hours* pouring over different wooden flooring patterns. I just sat on the floor since I was so tired after a long day at work.

Mint spending *hours* pouring over different wooden flooring patterns. I just crouched on the floor because I was too tired to stand for hours after a long day at work.

 

One of the many evenings we spent in furniture stores. That's Mint taking a break playing candy crush on his phone. Across him is my equally fed up sister.

One of the many evenings we spent in furniture stores. That’s Mint taking a break playing candy crush on his phone. Across him is my equally fed up sister.

 

lights

Lights. So many. Which ones will be right for our home?

I can go on. But you get the point. You don’t need a genius to point out that we over think. We simply can’t make decisions. I’ve written about our inability to decide here and here. Even taking a small decision has always been painful, so now when we’re faced with the task of making infinite decisions, we feel bogged down. I wonder if we suffer from some kind of a disorder? Why do we always have two unrelenting perspectives in our head? The two perspectives are always at war with each other. Neither willing to accept defeat.

Unfortunately, in addition to being perennially confused, I am also the kind of person who likes to be in control. I need to know where I am heading. How long I will take to get there. How tough the path is. What I should expect along the way. I can’t deal with the loss of control. But now, our endless to-do list is not allowing me to maintain command. I don’t know when we will make all our required purchases. I don’t know when our home will be set up. I don’t know when we will go back to a normal routine. And all the unknown has been throwing me off balance.

Every evening after work hours we find ourselves in some store or the other. We spend hours analysing and dissecting every detail of the product and brand we are considering. Yet we come back without taking any firm call. We put it off for another day. I’ve spent so many days going this, I have no energy left anymore. All I want to experience is the joy of striking an item off my endless list..

Posted in Chaos, Er-rant-ic behaviour | 49 Comments »

Power

Posted by Pepper on July 28, 2014

I wonder what it is that lies beneath my skin. I feel it crawling inside me. Is it anger? Is it sadness? When did I lose the ability to distinguish? Nobody is sick. Nobody is dying. Yet, what crawls under my skin is abominably dark. I suspect it is the hurt. Hurt that is drowning me. Why? Why do we give some people the power to hurt us this bad? If I could take back that power, I would.

Or maybe I wouldn’t. I’d continue bestowing them with this power. And I’d continue flinching as the hurt descended upon me.

Posted in Chaos | 11 Comments »

My adventurous life

Posted by Pepper on July 3, 2014

Each time I believe we’ve seen the worst, and each time my husband proves me wrong. I am talking about our track record when it comes to being on time for our plane / bus / train. We never learn. Rather, he never learns. Until now, I thought the worst experience we’ve had was when we *just made it* to our train to Amsterdam from Paris. The doors shut the freaking second we set our foot in. I didn’t think we could have experienced something more nerve wrecking. But guess what? We did.

We had our train from Chennai to Bangalore at 5:30 pm. I had been pestering Mint to finish his packing the previous day. Ofcourse, he paid little heed to what I said. We’re used to packing an hour before we leave. Why would he even consider doing it a day in advance? I let go.

We had asked my father-in-law how long it would take for us to reach the station from home. 45 minutes is what he had said. Now I am very wary of estimations like these. For one, I don’t much trust human judgement in these matters. We can never forecast the traffic condition at that time. For two, I know Mint doesn’t treat them as an ‘estimation’, he clings to the number as though it is God’s word. I try telling him these calculations are only approximated values and are very prone to human errors. So if somebody says it will take 45 minutes to reach, we should keep a buffer of atleast 15 minutes and consider our travel time to be an hour. But again, does he listen to me?

Mint had an official call in the afternoon. I kept eyeing my watch, wondering when it would end. Finally, he hung up at 3:45 pm. I had aimed to leave by 4:15 sharp. I am known to prefer security over adventure and would rather wait at the station for 30 mins than make a mad dash for the train on the last minute. He started packing only at 3:45. Sigh.

That is when my FIL asked us if we would like to go the hospital to say bye to Oregano before we leave. Sure, I would have loved to do that. But did we have the time? I ran upstairs to check with Mint. I told him if we could leave by 4 pm sharp, perhaps we would have a chance to stop at the hospital for a minute and meet Oregano once before we leave. He agreed.

I kept badgering him to rush but he seemed to work at his own pace. I could feel a fight brewing. Why have you not finished packing yet, I asked him. What can I do, he said. I had my call till 3:45 pm. Rubbish! I wanted to scream. Who asked you to not pack before your call if you knew it would last that long? You could have done it last night! Don’t act as though you had no time! Knowing it wasn’t the best time to pick up a fight, I let go.

We left the house only at 4:15. The hospital wasn’t even en route to the station. Needless to say, I was hyper ventilating. Once we reached the hospital, we ran up to Oregano’s room and spoke to him exactly for 3 minutes. We rushed back  to the car where my FIL was waiting for us. He was going to be dropping us to the station. By the time we left the hospital, it was 4:36.

Mint laughed when he noticed the stress on my face. He reminded me of his dad’s estimation. It was a 45 minute ride. By that calculation, we would still reach by 5:16. So we would still be almost 15 minutes early. Err, okay.

As luck would have it, we encountered heavy traffic. I tried calming myself. At 5 pm, I asked them where we were. They told me we were nowhere close to reaching. I gulped. Our car seemed to be moving at a snail’s pace. At 5:15, my FIL said it was really doubtful we’d make it. Great.

By the time we reached the flyover close to the station, it was 5:20. Our train was to leave in 10 minutes. Unfortunately, the flyover was fully jammed. Although we could see the station, it wasn’t close enough to walk. So we continued waiting in the car. Before we knew it, the clock in the car said it was 5:26. Perfect, I thought. We’ve missed the train.

In a last ditch effort, we decided to get out of the car and run. So out we stepped, pulled out our suitcase from the trunk and we ran. Maneuvering through stationary vehicles, rolling our suitcases on the slopes of the flyover, we ran as fast as we could. Surprisingly, we were at the end of the flyover in about a minute.

Once we were at the end of the flyover, we found ourselves at the crossing of a main road. Although we wanted to run, we had no choice but to wait until the traffic came to a halt. Every second seemed precious. It was past 5:27 by now. Finally we requested a traffic cop to halt the traffic so we could run across.

We entered the station a few seconds after 5.28. We paused for a few seconds below the indicator to find out which platform our train was leaving from. As luck would have it, ours was the very last platform. Which meant, we had just over a minute to run across the entire length of the station!

I had my hand bag and another heavy bag on my shoulders, yet, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. Mint was sprinting ahead, although he was carrying two shoulder bags and our heavy suitcase! That’s when the difference in our fitness level truly stuck me.

On and on I ran, wondering when our blasted train would be in sight. In just a few seconds, I thought I was going to collapse. So I called out to Mint and told him I can’t do it. To my horror, he just ignored me and continued to run ahead. Not being left with much of a choice, I stumbled forward on my shaky legs.

The porters who realised I was running to get the 5:30 Shatabdi to Bangalore looked at me in shock. I could see the train by now, but I was sure the asphyxiation was going to make me pass out. My lungs were on fire. So I had stopped running, although I was this close to the train. I was just bumbling along. They wondered, why the hell was I not running when it was the past possible second? What could I tell them? I had no breath left in me because I had been running right from the flyover a block away from the station?

Mentally I had decided. Mint was waiting for me next to the train. I was going to call out to him and ask him to get on even if I couldn’t. I would figure out something for myself. The jerk. I hated him. This was all his fault. Putting me through this hellish anxiety. He was fit enough to run like that. I wasn’t. Let him just go. I would think of an alternative.

It was 5:30. The train started moving. I saw the guard inside the train waving the green flag as it chugged to life. He saw me walking just a few  feet away with a dismayed expression on my face. He called out to me and asked me to enter from the official coach which was the closest from where I stood. Okay, I thought. Let me give this one last shot. With trembling legs and burning lungs that were gasping for breath, I willed myself to run just a few more steps.

I remember stretching out my hand to grab hold a bar so I could pull myself in the train. I almost expected the guard to give me his hand, DDLJ style. But no such thing happened. He waited for me to gain a foothold myself. Once in, I realised Mint was nowhere close. He had tried entering from the other coach and the door was locked. So he ran back to where I had entered from. By now, the train had picked up considerable speed. He reached the door, first threw in one bag. Then threw in another bag, and finally pulled himself in.

Once we were both in, I allowed myself to collapse. The guard looked at us sympathetically. We still had to walk the entire length of the train to get to our coach. But now that we had made it, it didn’t matter much. I was drenched in sweat, my hair was in clumps and I was still out of breath. My face was drawn and haggard. Mint turned around, gave me one look and grinned.

I swear I wanted to not just smack him once, but clobber him until he was blue. How does he manage to put me through this every time? Me, who is mocked and laughed at for going to airports and stations 3 hours prior to departure. With him, I always end up in an adventure that lets us make it with the narrowest margin possible. Always. I am still trying to forgive him. You see, unlike what all my Famous Five reads made me believe, I truly dislike adventures.

Posted in Chaos | 48 Comments »

Worry

Posted by Pepper on March 11, 2014

It has been almost 48 hours now. I’ve been facing some severe tensions. And as it usually happens, they have all chosen to come to me together.

The first one is related to work. There is something I have been struggling with. It isn’t working out and that is very worrisome. Especially because of the kind of money it involves. It is big. The onus of finding a solution rests on me. I have been racking my brains. And worrying.

The second one is about Oregano. He is in the hospital. Again! (ETA: I wrote this post yesterday, and though he is back at home now, his situation is still worrisome). I really don’t know what I can do to help. His condition troubles me. Also, my FIL’s test results are out and he may not be accepted as a donor for the transplant. At the same time, the doctor hasn’t ruled him out completely. It is all very vague. My MIL will be tested now and then we will figure the next course of action. I don’t know what to make of all this. It is scary and distressing.

Lastly, we are in the midst of a personal crisis of high magnitude. We have never been put in a situation like this. We need a solution soon. A lot is at stake. Mint and I have been probing all possibilities to work something out. A roadblock as massive as this was never anticipated by us. So here we are, wondering how we can solve this giant sized problem.

Yesterday, I could feel my brain shutting down. So I walked out of office relatively early. Some time has passed and we still haven’t found the solutions we’ve been looking for. I went for a long walk last night. The one thought that made me feel light and euphoric was this – atleast my parents are not suffering from ill health! I can handle the worst of worries, but my parents being sick shakes me like nothing else. I am so thankful to God for keeping my parents safe. Everything else will be alright.

Posted in Chaos | 19 Comments »

Not all Fridays are happy

Posted by Pepper on February 8, 2013

The ‘Friday feel’ is usually awesome. You know?  That feeling that comes with knowing you don’t have to wake up to an alarm the next day. That feeling of lightheartedness that accompanies you all day? That feeling of freedom? That feeling of anticipation? That feeling of general happiness?

Well, I don’t feel it this Friday. Because I am working tomorrow. In my world, working on a Saturday is blasphemous. My work seems like it will never end. The atmosphere continues to be poisonous.

This is going to be a hectic weekend. I have a lot lined up. I don’t feel up to it. I am waiting for some news from Mint’s end. That leaves me on the edge, as usual. I have a monster headache. I am cranky and grumpy and grouchy and angry and angsty and snarky and crabby and.. just plain tired. It is all of it put together, but mainly, it is just work. Work that sucks.

To all of you who don’t have to go to work tomorrow and are basking in the Friday happiness – I hate you.

Posted in Chaos | 28 Comments »

Down

Posted by Pepper on January 12, 2013

I don’t have much to say today. My mind is foggy. My heart is heavy. I am tired. I am unwell. Nothing seems right. My work, it is killing me. I know I never really wrote about the harsh difficulties I face. I don’t know if I ever will. There is so much to say, yet, I don’t know how to say it. I deal with deadly toxic matter on a daily basis. Some days are unbearable. Why am I still here? I don’t know.

Mint and I recently faced a massive disappointment. We really began to question one of our past decisions. Did we make the wrong choice earlier? I don’t want to be cryptic, so I won’t talk about it now. Right now, I feel like we are in the midst of a very turbulent ride.

I am scared of the different possibilities. I am tired of the unknown. I want this to end soon. I want certainty and clarity. Please send us your good wishes, people. All you lurkers too.

These are times in which I remind myself, atleast I have my loved ones healthy and safe. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal will come from. So with that thought, I will try and smile.

Posted in Chaos | 48 Comments »

Lost belongings and heart ache

Posted by Pepper on September 18, 2012

Hello people! I am back. After all the fun I had in Europe, returning to routine hasn’t been easy.  I just got back today, and the thought of unpacking makes me cringe. My trip was fantastic, but as of now, I am crest fallen and very heavy hearted. It was our second day in Europe and we lost our camera. I hadn’t transferred the earlier pictures and losing the camera felt like a hard slap on my face. Like the Gods telling me,  “You keep procrastinating and never do things when they should be done. Now live with the consequences!” Sigh. Fortunately though, we were in a great group with some professional cameras and talented photographers. So we managed to get good pictures taken during the trip.

I was returning home today, with all my luggage in tow. And my bag pack got flicked. In Bombay. From Borivali station. It was 5:15 am, and all I know is that I put my bag down for one lousy moment, and it was gone. It contained a lot of stuff. My laptop and iPod, amongst other things.

The moment I realised it was gone, I could feel a deep wail filling my throat. My iPod was precious to me. And we had purchased the laptop just before moving from the US. It was a good one. We had transferred a lot of data onto it. It had a million folders with all our pictures, right from 2003. I have no back up. It’s all gone. And I can’t describe the ache I feel.

We went to the police, but the cops there seemed too uninterested and uncaring. The moment I got back home, I sobbed. Loudly. The pictures were priceless. The other data it contained was irreplaceable. I don’t know what I will do. And I am not even talking about the monetary loss. Though, my camera and laptop and iPod put together, equals to *a lot* of money.

Anyway.  I have been telling myself there are more grave issues in the world. There is hunger and poverty, and agony and death. People are suffering. My lost belongings are not worth crying over. I will start afresh. I will buy new stuff, slowly. I will click more pictures and build a new collection. It is not the end of the world.

Let me now focus on the rollicking trip and highlight it’s awesomeness in the form of a post. I shall put it up soon. Just after I settle down a little. How you guys been?

 

PS  – If any of you are travelling to Bombay from the US, and are willing to carry a laptop for me, please do get in touch with me. Thanks so much!

Posted in Chaos | 87 Comments »

I feel so frozen

Posted by Pepper on March 5, 2012

I don’t know what to do.

Posted in Chaos | Leave a Comment »

It feels like home..

Posted by Pepper on March 9, 2011

In the past few years I’ve led quite a nomadic life, changing cities and even countries every now and then. While the optimist in me feels privileged and happy to experience different places and savour different cultures, the pessimist whines because it makes me feel uprooted a little too often. I long for that feeling of home.

And for me, to call a place home, it needs to have the weight of my history. The mention of ‘home’ should bring in that rush of nostalgia that comes only with a long term association. It should be a place where you can visit your memories and see your past. Going by this logic, we can have only one home. For me, that home is Bombay. Unquestionably.

Ever since I moved out of Mumbai, I’ve been in search of a place that feels ‘like home’. I studied in UK and have fond memories of that place. But it is not a place I can live in for long. Each time Mint talks about moving there, I protest vehemently. And I have no answers to give him. I just could not connect with the soul of that place. My mind was aimlessly wandering in search of an unknown destination.

Surprisingly, after I moved to the US, I felt a greater sense of attachment to the place I lived in. While Ohio was good and I actually miss the city we lived in, it still didn’t feel like home. There were some invisible barriers that prevented that feeling of belonging from seeping into me.

Things started to change slowly after we moved to California. I was falling in love with the Bay Area. This is such a beautiful place. Everything is so scenic and picturesque. More importantly, the Indian food available here is fantastic. It is actually better than what you’d get in India. Probably because this place is so full of desis. I see Indians everywhere I look. So much so, that most of the times I forget I am not living in India. The weather, though a little cold by my standards, is still so good compared to the rest of the country. But this is not about the beauty, or the food, or the people or the weather. This is about the one mystical element I was in search of. This place has that elusive ingredient that makes it feel like home. I am in love with my surrounding and feel like I can live here. If not forever, for a long time at least.

And that, is not necessarily a good thing. Because our life right now is so unpredictable, I have no idea where the coming time will take us. I don’t know how long we will be here. It may or may not be long. And that scares me and makes me hope I don’t become too attached to this place. But I will worry about that another day. Today, I will just rejoice, for I have found a place that feels like home.

Posted in Chaos | 42 Comments »

The burden of choice

Posted by Pepper on July 20, 2010

By nature, I am a very confused person. I don’t like being responsible for a choice. I have worried about this in the past and wondered if I suffer from some kind of a disorder. My mind jumps from one possibility to another, and I end up exhausted and yet, clueless. The choices range from vain issues like ‘what should we eat for dinner today’ to ‘which shampoo should I buy’ to more grave issues that best remain unspoken. I thought nobody could be worse than me, till I met Mint. I suppose it is his over analytical nature that is responsible for this trait. Put the two of us together, and we are lost. The dilemmas in our life never end, the decisions are never taken.

Picture this scenario – We were back home on Saturday night after a sumptuous dinner at an Indian restaurant. Mint’s friends were calling us to a pub for a few drinks. I didn’t really feel upto it.

Me: I think I’ll skip it. Why don’t you go ahead? I’ll stay back home.
Mint: No! I wont leave you alone at home and go. We either go together, or we don’t.
Me: Ok then, we dont.
Mint: But they are calling us so much. They’ll feel bad if we don’t go na?
Me: Ok then, let’s go.
Mint: No! I don’t want you to do it out of force! You shouldn’t go if you really don’t want to!
Me: Ok, so then WHAT do you want to do?
Mint: I dont knoww!!
He spent the next twenty minutes getting mad because he couldn’t make up his mind. In the end we did end go, an hour late.

The next day we had to choose between going for an air show and watching a movie. And of course, I was the one responsible for the choice. Inception was supposed to be a great movies and had great reviews too. Would that be a good choice? Or should we just go for the air show? Maybe I wont get a chance to witness something grand like that again. And we can watch the movie anytime. But the air show seems too expensive. Is it worth it? Maybe we should just go for the movie. But what if for some reason I don’t like the movie and we waste our Sunday?

It was soon time to leave and I still hadn’t made up my mind. Mint told me the theatre was on the way to the place where the air show would be held. So I had time to think while we drove, till we reached the theatre. If we got to the theatre and I had still not decided, then we would just watch the movie. I was still mentally swinging between air show and movie when I realised we had reached the theatre and he had already parked!

That made me throw a fit. I fumed, yelled at him and threw a tantrum. How could he just park like that when I had still not decided? So what if I overshot my time limit?

Later on I did calm down. I did see his point. And yes, we did see the movie. But I get back to where I started. Why are choices so difficult to make? Why are we so abnormal? I so hope we change soon, or else, God save us!

Posted in Chaos | 9 Comments »

 
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