Year 8 & 9 – Happy Anniversary, Mint

Dear Mint,

I missed writing to you last year. Not that this year’s letter comes in good time. We are already late by 3 months. But I figured writing now is better than skipping it completely. After all, I have a letter for you for every year of our married life, right from year 1 to year 7. Let me keep up the tradition, atleast until we reach the big 10? That, by the way, is only a year away. Can you even believe that?

Since this letter is going to cover the past 2 years of our married life, let me start with a recap. Year 8. The crappiest year of our relationship so far. I went through an excruciating pregnancy, got cut open, gave birth to TWO very tiny, premature beings, we lost ourselves in caring for these terrifyingly delicate humans, started coping with the effects of zero sleep, were forced to abuse our bodies in every step of the way. My mother was diagnosed with cancer, pushing me deeper into a deep, dark hole.

In the midst of all this, I hated you. I don’t know if it was my PPD that didn’t allow me to see clearly. But all I remember is hating you. Nothing you did was good enough. I wanted you to comfort me. When your attempts to comfort me failed, I hated you more for being so inadequate. You were supposed to rescue me from what I was feeling. You were not allowed to fail. I hated you for failing.

You started cold shouldering me in those days because you couldn’t handle my tantrums. You were too physically exhausted to deal with a screaming monster. I thought of you as utterly insensitive for not being there for me. I genuinely think you could have been more forgiving to me in those days. I needed copious amounts of kindness from you.

But I remember you breaking down one day. I remember you sobbing and telling me you don’t know what is happening to you and you don’t know how to handle it. We were in the brink of exhaustion. I know you were deeply affected and overwhelmed because it is very rare to see you cry. The burden of two very fragile newborns, my postpartum depression, lack of sleep, physical exhaustion, the load of our day time jobs, the complete lack of support in this country had burnt us out and we lost each other in those few months.

I’m not sure when, but slowly, we began to see light again. I think it was when Cotton and Candy began to sleep through the night. Getting a few good hours of sleep ourselves made us see things more clearly. We began turning to each other for comfort again. Most importantly, we regained our lost friendship. We were able to go more than 2 hours without feeding the babies. This gave us some freedom to step out of the house. Normalcy was seeping back into our lives and our relationship.

Year 9 has been infinitely better. Cotton and Candy are more grown up, and though that comes with its own sets of crazy challenges, nothing compares to the first few months of managing twins. Nevertheless, we have begun to see each other as parents, not just partners. Most of our attempts to spend child free time with each other after kids go to bed seem to fail, because I fall asleep almost as soon as they do. We do take the time out to go on lunch dates while the kids are in daycare and those moments are precious to me. This past year, I have really come to value the love, warmth and most importantly our rock like friendship.

Since this is year 9, I am compiling a list of 9 things I love that you do in our present life

1) We have a set of chores that each of us is responsible for. We have this clearly divided and charted. But, you often take over things from my assigned list. Loading the dishwasher at night is my job. Yet, I don’t remember the last time I did it. After tackling your list of things to do, you ask me to go and sit back while you go and tackle a full kitchen sink.

2) I always imagined having a partner who would make my morning coffee. I’ve seen my dad make my mom’s tea and hand it to her before their day begins. This was part of my expectations. Sadly, this never happened. I am always forced to wake up before you and practically drag you out of bed.

However, you do show me your love in little ways before I go to bed. I have come to love our night time routine where you tuck me in bed, adjust the temperature of the house and make sure it is to my liking, get me a water bottle for my bedside, refill the humidifier and set it beside me, massage my head with Vicks or my back with Bengay and kiss me for the night. You do all this without me saying a word.

3) Candy’s hair is something I am still not sure I know how to deal with. I find you chasing her around the house with a comb in your hand, patiently detangling and parting her hair while coming up with ways to pull her down for 3 seconds. You are amazing.

4) Night time brushing! You’ve taken on the task of brushing Cotton and Candy before bed and I am so relieved that isn’t part of my to do list. Thank you.

5) You push me to go out with my friends. I have a fabulous group of friends and we do a girls night out every month. But every time I have plans, lethargy strikes me a few hours before I am set to leave and I start saying words like ‘tired’, ‘not up to it tonight’ and you step in to remind me that this will be fun and I need to go. You know I need a cheerleeder.

6) You love exploring different cuisines and restaurants as much as I do. Eating out is one of our favourite things to do together and I am so glad we live in a place that has so much to offer in terms of food!

7) I know I always turn to you when I am in doubt and can’t decide whether I should buy it or not. Because I know you always convince me to buy it. And then I feel better about buying it because I had no choice, I was forced, right?

8) You are my in house therapist. When I worry about my parents health and feel the onset of an anxiety attack, I know it is time to talk to you and clear my head. You ask me hard hitting questions, throw different statistics and numbers my way, give me a clearer perspective. In the end, I always feel stronger. And lighter.

9) You are the most amazing father ever. I have a new found respect for you when I see you with the kids.

Thank you for being so awesome! I can’t wait to see how year 10 turns out.

Lots of love,

— Pepper

PS – This picture was taken on the day the twins turned 6 months old and we had a small half birthday celebration for them

PPS – Since this is year Nine, I am also going to use this post for the letter N. N for Nine? Yes, I am still trying to complete the A – Z writing challenge.