On friendships and marriage

I had an argument with Mint yesterday. Since we’re in Chennai, he wanted to use the opportunity to catch up with one of his school friends. This was a friend I had never interacted with. They would be meeting after years. I was sure they were both looking forward to all the catching up. So when Mint suggested I accompany him, I outrightly refused. This got him mad. Why would I choose to stay home and get bored when there was an opportunity for me get out? Why was I being so difficult?

I tried explaining to him what I felt. This plan was made by Mint and his friend. How could Mint think of just tagging me along? How could he assume his friend would be as comfortable with me as he is with him? What if my presence interfered with the flow of their conversation? What if their long sought catch up session was filled with awkward moments? His friend might want to discuss somethings with Mint and why take for granted he may want to discuss those things with somebody he’s just met? Mint ofcourse, told me I was overthinking. “He’s my friend and he will be happy to meet my wife, okay?”, was all he kept saying.

This disagreement has been a recurrent theme in our lives. Mint asks me to accompany him when he goes to meet his friends. If I have my own plans, then well and good. I can carry on with those. But if I am choosing to stay home and feel bored and lonely, I might as well go with him even if it is an all boys outing. He explains, the ‘all boys’ outing is only a matter of coincidence because the boys are either single or their respective spouses are busy, and not because the boys want to catch up alone. Beside that, since I am good friends with the boys myself, what is to stop me from hanging out with them?

In such cases, I do agree with him. Many times, I find myself hanging out with a group of only boys, because they’re my friends too. I see my presence makes no difference to their talks. I always end up having a good time with them. Yet, something keeps nagging me and I can’t place it. When Mint asks me to accompany him when he is meeting a group of guys I don’t know, I put my foot down and refuse. Even if I am comfortable with an all boys scenario, I am not sure all of them will be comfortable with my presence.

Friendships are special. I believe we all have unique relationships with our friends. Just because I am married, I do not expect my friends to develop the same relationship with my partner. I have never subscribed to the “If you love me, you got to love my partner too” theory. It is probably why a lot of people fear losing their friends to this thing called marriage. I would never expect my friends to treat us as one single entity just because we are a couple.

Every now and then, I always make sure I get a chance to catch up with my friends alone, without my partner in tow. Similarly, I always encourage Mint to catch up with his friends without me (depending on my relationship with them), even if it comes at the cost of me spending a dull evening by myself.

Having said that, I know I border on the extreme. I know my vehement resistance when it comes to hanging out with Mint’s friends and vice versa has been uncalled for at times. Perhaps I try too hard to not come across as the ‘wife who never leaves her husband alone’. Perhaps I go the extra mile only to portray myself as the partner who believes in the concept of space and independence. Perhaps I need to loosen up. Because I might be missing out on some amazing friendships and fun times in the bargain. And I am sure they’re worth much more than the image I am trying to create for myself.

Bangalore beckons

It’s been more than a week since we landed in Chennai, and I must say, I am thoroughly bored. Bored out of my wits. The day of Oregano’s surgery was the only eventful day. The only day I felt the presence of some action. He was in the ICU for the first four days after his surgery. We weren’t allowed to see him then. He is back in a normal room now, but we’re still not allowed to see him. Fear of infection is what is prompting them to keep him in isolation. The hospital doesn’t even allow us to wait in the visitor area. As a result, we’ve only been home the entire time.

Oregano is doing very well. Though we can’t see him, we can talk to him on phone. Yesterday, he was even allowed to use his tablet. I find it amusing. He is active on facebook now. We continue whatapping each other. We talk on phone. But we can’t see him. It feels strange.

As for me, I didn’t expect my days to be this dreary. I am unable to work from home in full capacity. There is only a limited amount of stuff I can do while working remote. As a result, I feel unfulfilled and I am left with a lot of empty time. The days seem never ending. I find myself sleeping a lot.. Not because I am sleepy or tired, but only because I am bored. I’ve spent some time reading and watching movies, but despite that there are vast stretches of time I don’t know how to utilize. At the end of the day, I feel restless and look for ways to expend some energy.

It’s maddening. I feel like a prisoner at home. I have no real friends in this city. I barely know a few people around here and I haven’t contacted them for fear of lack of enthusiasm on their part. Also, the fact that I can’t walk out of home on my own because I absolutely do not understand the roads and I don’t know the language makes me feel disabled. And trapped. Mint takes me out for dinner sometimes, but even so. I am royally bored!

However, this time off in Chennai has given me the opportunity to closely watch and understand my MIL. I observe her as she goes about her day. I try to empathize with her past and understand how it colours her present. I do believe watching her from close quarters gives me a good understanding of her. It makes me realise she is trapped between two very different worlds herself. Perhaps I will write a separate post about her.

Finally, we’re off to Bangalore on Thursday night. Mint has a tournament and I thought I could use the opportunity to visit the city. Last I visited was 4 years ago. We’ll be there until Monday morning. So I have around 3 full days to spend there! I am hoping it is a good break. Also, since Mint is going to be busy with his tournament from morning to evening, I am going to catch up with some of my friends alone and still  have a lot of spare time to move around by myself. As usual, with my nearly zero knowledge of roads and directions, I hope I can manage moving around on my own. Bangalore people, any must sees or must dos? How do you recommend I fill my days?

With God’s grace..

Before I proceed, I must tell you guys that the surgery went well and things are looking up. Read on to know more.

Oregano had been admitted to the hospital a day prior to his surgery. We tried spending as much time with him as we could, but with the hospital having exceedingly strict regulations regarding attendants and visitors, we weren’t allowed to hang around too much. We said our byes and left for home at night. My MIL would be spending the night with him.

The next morning, we were back in the hospital at 6 am. He was being readied for the surgery, so we weren’t allowed to see him. Finally, we saw him being wheeled into the OT around 7 am. I stopped by his stretcher for a minute and we spoke for a bit. He told me with a smile that he had used his phone to see and approve some of the comments that were left for him on his blog. After this, his phone was switched off and kept away. Thank you so much for wishing him well. Comments that came before he was wheeled into the OT have been approved. I am guessing he will approve the remaining comments once he is in a position to do so. Once again, thank you so much.

Our waiting game began the moment he was wheeled inside. It was 7:05 am to be precise. They said it was going to be a 4 hour surgery. In the lobby of the hospital, we found ourselves comfortable chairs to slump into. We had barely been sleeping and I was exhausted. Around me were a number of assorted relatives. They all spoke in a language I don’t understand. Although I manage to catch bits of Tamil, Mint’s family speaks a dialect that is very hard for me to grasp. It is sad because my lack of understanding and ability to converse makes me stick out like a sore thumb. I feel alienated and awkward. Unable to do much about it, I shrugged.

My mind raced to the day before. That was when I had deeply regretted not being able to talk in their language. After waiting for long, I had finally met their aunt who was going to be donating her kidney to Oregano. She smiled away as she greeted us. Without even knowing it, I could feel my eyes well up. I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to tell her how thankful I felt to her for doing this for Oregano. He means a lot to me and she was saving his life. I wanted her to know that I understand it isn’t easy to part with a piece of your own body, to risk future complications and adhere to some restrictions for the rest of your life. And yet she was doing it for him so graciously. I wanted her to know the deep regard I held for her. But I couldn’t say any of it.

She doesn’t speak any of the languages I know and I don’t speak any of the languages she knows. I asked Mint to tell her how I felt, but he asked me to try saying it to her myself. I wondered. How would I convey the depth of my feelings to her? How would I find the right words? Also, I am shy. So I kept ignoring the swelling urge to talk to her. Until I found the perfect opportunity. We were alone in the room. I looked at her and I started to blabber. I told her how thankful I was. I told her I had no words to express it. I don’t even remember all that I said. In the midst of it, I held her hand. I struggled for the words that would express my gratitude. And when I found myself fumbling too much, I just shut up and gave her a hug. Not knowing how to speak to me, she continued to smile.

I have a feeling she managed to understand all that I tried to convey. Yet, I wished I had the support of words. I wished I knew Tamil, if not the dialect they spoke. I promised myself I would try harder to learn. And here I was again, in the midst of alien chatter. Too tired to focus. I knew I should try and absorb what they were saying as much as I could, but at that time the task seemed to demand more stamina than I currently possessed.

Also, the lobby was freezing. We had already been sitting there for hours, waiting for some news. My stomach felt twisted into anxious knots. Four hours were up. Where were the doctors? Why hadn’t we heard from them yet. Just as I was thinking of this, we saw an assistant of the surgeon pass by and my FIL ran up to him. He told us Oregano’s surgery was still going on and would take another hour to complete. I hoped the delay was not because of any sudden complication they had encountered.

I had all sorts of thoughts going through my head. The hour finally passed. And then yet another hour passed. Time seemed to be crawling. Finally, after waiting for more than six and a half hours, we heard from the doctors. The surgery was over. They said it went well. His new kidney was functioning. As is the norm, both Oregano and his aunt had been moved to the ICU, where nobody would be allowed to see them for four days. As of now, things were good and they were both doing well. I let out a deep sigh that released all my pent up anxieties and tensions.

He is still in the ICU ofcourse, and although he cannot see us, he is allowed to talk to us on phone. He has been given a very high dosage of steroids and immunosuppressants inorder to minimise the chances of his body rejecting the new kidney. We’re hoping his body is able to cope with that level of steroids without many side effects. The first day he was in too much pain, so he couldn’t talk. The second day, he spoke to us and said he was much better. His creatinine (indicator of kidney function) is slowly inching towards the normal range. I am ecstatic.

Ofcourse, this does not guarantee life long success. For the coming few weeks, his condition needs to be monitored strictly. Because of the very potent immunosuppressive drugs he has been administered, he is very susceptible to infections.  His disease could return anytime. His new kidney may give up suddenly. His body may reject the new organ in the coming days/months/years. We don’t know what may occur when. But until any of that happens, we will celebrate. After all, this is a start to a new life. And we will take it one day at a time. Today, we have reason to rejoice.

Oregano’s journey in his own words..

It has been an extremely eventful week for us. Mint finally came home after his very long US trip two days ago. We flew in to Chennai late last night and we haven’t had a chance to catch our breath yet. I don’t have the energy or mental bandwidth to get into details now, so I’ll save those for upcoming posts. For now, all my focus lies on tomorrow. Tomorrow is the big day. It is the day of Oregano’s kidney transplant surgery. I’ve been taking deep breaths at regular intervals to keep myself calm and composed.

You’ve always been there, praying and sending in good wishes for him. Until now, I have been passing on those wishes to Oregano. Today, I will be happy if you pass them on to him yourself. To document his battle, Oregano started blogging some months ago. All this while, he preferred to write privately, so I did not share the link on my blog. He posted his last post before the surgery today and I asked him once again if I could share his blog url. He agreed, and surprisingly, he seemed almost excited.

He doesn’t write often, but nevertheless, here is it. His journey in his own words. His last post says it all. In this highly unpredictable life, we have no room for regrets. I continue learning from him everyday. I hope his life takes a new turn tomorrow. Please do pray for him. And ofcourse, I believe he’ll be happy if you let him know you’ve been praying and wishing him well. So if you can, do stop by his blog and let him know.

PS – I promise to update this space and let you all know how the surgery went as soon as I can.

Happy Week – Day 7

Today is the grand finale of the happy week. My day has been dispersed many happy moments and now they are all competing to be featured in this space. Since today is the last post of this series, perhaps I should factor in and include all my happy bits instead of focusing on one. So I am going to go with the flow and write without an agenda.

Mint. I’ve come to realise, he is the source of my eternal joy. And eternal annoyance too, but we’ll leave that for another day. My heart still skips a beat every time I lay my eyes on him. So it was the weekend and we were chatting with each other with our webcams on. It was past 4 am for him and I continued asking him to go sleep. But he would insist on staying back and talking to me. Since he refused to listen to me, I let go. His reponses became slower. After a point, he seemed to be mumbling and in the next few minutes, he was fast asleep. It got me a little mad. Why does he want to fight sleep all the time? Why does he tell me he will be there when he can’t? I pulled out my phone and took a picture of my laptop. I wanted to show it to him and say, “See? This is how sleepy you were! You just fell asleep while we were talking. So next time don’t act smart and try to stay up when you can’t”.

Today, I was going through my phone and I came across the pic that I had taken this weekend. And only now did I really notice it. The sight of him sleeping put a big smile on my face. I think it is the sweetest. But ignore me, I am just a smitten wife.

 

As the days progress, I am trying really hard to contain my excitement. Mint will be returning from good old California on this Friday. Calling me excited would be an understatement. I am hopping from foot to foot. I can’t wait to be with him. I can’t wait to dive into his suitcase. I can’t wait..

I was smiling to myself as I drove back from work today. For a change, I made it home in a record 25 minutes. The roads were almost empty. Why, I wonder. It is a Tuesday. Anyway, I am not going to question it too much.

BFF#1 had to drop by my place in the evening to collect a book. She brought me almost a dozen idlis. Those who know me will know what a big fan I am of home made idlis. So this unexpected treat had me gasping in delight. What joy.

Once home, I spent some time going through Asian Paint’s Colour Spectra. What colour should the walls of our new house be? We need to make a final decision in the next few days. I took immense pleasure in picturing our home in different shades. But really, any recommendations on how we should go about choosing the colour of our walls will be welcome.

Mint is landing in Mumbai on Friday night. We’re flying to Chennai for Oregano’s transplant on Sunday. Both Mint and I are going to be working remote after we land there. I have to pack for a few weeks. We need to settle some things with the new house in the two days that Mint will be here. It is all very rushed, but beneath all my anxiety, there is a hope. Hope of Oregano’s transplant being a grand success. The thought of his life being presented back to him makes me happy like nothing else does.

This happy week has been a wonderful exercise. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. If at all any of you are interested in taking this up, please let me know. I would love to read it!

Happy Week – Day 6

So I had all plans of writing a happy post for 7 days straight. But then the weekend came and took away all my inclination to write. Not my fault. It is hard to get yourself to sit in a corner and compose a post when you are busy having fun. And I figured, it is okay to resume the happy posting from Monday.

Monday arrived too soon, as usual. So here I am, ruing over the end of the weekend. And dreaming about the things I want RIGHT NOW, on this hot Monday afternoon. This is something I have realised – dreaming makes me happy. I spend hours thinking of my perfect world. Building it bit by bit and living in that imaginary space for a while. Most of us have a million fantasies, and even though it maybe hard to fulfill them all, living those fancies in a personally constructed dreamland costs almost nothing.

Making lists is another task that actually makes me very happy. So today, I am going to combine my love for dreaming, and my love for lists. So here is a list of things I am happily dreaming about right now.

* I want to stop working. That’s what I want right now and have actually started fulfilling this desire from the time I started typing this post.

* I want to be home. With my family.

* I want to take a cooling shower and give myself a good head bath. The shower gel should be something fresh and citrusy. I’ll pick a soothing conditioner for the hair. At the end of it, I want a very clean, soft and fluffy towel to hug me.

* I want sit in my balcony as the sun goes down and immerse myself in music. The playlist must be full of old classics.

* Goa. I want to be in Goa. Again. I never tire of Goa. I can hear the beach and the sand calling out to me.

* I feel like a pedicure. I never get one done. But now, I am dreaming of soaking my feet in a warm, sweet smelling and shampooed solution. I can see somebody scrubbing my soles. Then they lotion and massage my legs right upto my knees, focusing on that exact spot near my heels and ankles. After the cleansing of my cuticles, I emerge with soft and supple feet with bright coloured toes.

* I want to eat a warm sponge cake. On that, I will make a smiley with chocolate syrup.

* I want to buy atleast 2 classy pairs of rainy shoes. Then I will be all prepared for the impending rains.

* I want to be presented with atleast 6 new books. I want to experience that conflict when it comes to picking the one to read first.

* I want to be at the airport. In the flight, with my seat belt on. Ready to take off..

 

Happy Week – Day 5

I was certain today was going to be a very happy day, by virtue of it being a Friday. Sadly, as the day progressed, I failed to feel the usual Friday exuberance. Work was chaotic. And then I had a lousy fight with my dad. My papa is extremely dear to me, and any fight with him throws me off. I sulk for hours.

Also, I had to talk to Mint urgently about the choice of sunmica for our kitchen door. I had promised my uncle (who is doing up the interiors of our house) that I would get back to him by today afternoon at most. Unfortunately, Mint fell asleep without talking to me. I had to discuss the sunmica patterns with him before I could respond to my uncle. I kept pinging and calling Mint hoping he wakes up, but I had no such luck. With each passing hour, I grew more anxious and stressed. I am very particular about keeping my word and getting back to people when I tell them I will. I hated it that I was answerable to somebody else and I couldn’t live up to my word because of Mint. In general, I spent my morning and afternoon feeling strained.

And then when I thought the day was turning out to be tiring and annoying, something wonderful happened. By chance, the sister and I stumbled into my grandmom’s home. Memories came flooding back to both of us. We smiled as we recounted incidents of our childhood. We talked about our beloved grandmum, the stories she told us, her peculiar pronunciation and the many times she saved us from the wrath of our mother.

Her house, in particular her kitchen, has remained untouched from the time she passed away. We just locked the door and refused to let people enter it. As a result, it is a dirty, rusty, and run down room. But we wanted it that way. We didn’t want to let others come close to touching the things she last touched. Even the gas lighter that is lying on the stove in the centre is the one that was placed by her when she cooked her last meal there.

 

To an outsider, this kitchen range will be nothing more than rusted junk. But to the sister and I, these scraps are very precious. When we stood beside it, we could almost hear the sounds of our past. The running of the tap, the sizzling of the frying pan in which she cooked our favourite mix of cauliflower and potato, which we fondly called, ‘phool batata’. Her reprimanding her overenthusiastic grandkids when they tried fingering the ultra hot potatoes as they were being spread out on a newspaper. We devoured the memories and felt our spirits rise. When we walked out, it almost felt like we were returning from a visit to our darling grandmom.

A small note

Like some of you saw, the previous post  Happy Week – Day 4 gives you a glimpse of my love life from the inside. That post contains unedited snippets of our chats from different phases of our lives. Although I intended to leave it public for a while, I ended up password protecting it just a few hours after publishing it.

I only did it because the heavy doses of mush from our private lives were making me feel shy making me wonder if all that content should be left public. However, I have no problem sharing those cheesy bits of my life with you. In case you missed the post yesterday and are interested in reading it, drop me a line at talk2pepper@gmail.com and I shall forward the password to you.

Protected: Happy Week – Day 4

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Happy Week – Day 3

Today, I feel a surge of emotions, so I don’t know if I will be able to write a coherent post. I am happy. If I had to choose the ‘happiest post’ from my ‘happy week’ series, this post would be a clear winner.

This one is about Oregano. From the time he was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure, we’ve  faced a series of blows. His condition only kept worsening. To make matters worse, we were unable to find a suitable donor for him. So we weren’t in a position to arrange for a kidney transplant. Everybody in the family was tested as a potential donor, only to be rejected on medical grounds or due to an incompatible blood group. His condition declined and we really didn’t know where we were headed.

He was put on dialysis a little over a month ago. Like I’ve said in my earlier posts, dialysis has terrified me because I’ve witnessed my dad’s brother journey. Dialysis reduced him to almost nothing. Thankfully, a kidney transplant is what saved him. I hoped it would be easier for Oregano. After all, I did know people who were doing fairly well with dialysis.

Unfortunately, like I suspected, dialysis has had several intense and undesirable effects on Oregano. It is not that they insert two big needles into him. It is not that he has to endure it for four hours, twice a week. It is the fact that he gets unbearable headaches during dialysis. So much so that he starts throwing up uncontrollably. We’ve feared he will pass out. And to undergo that torture for four hours straight every 2 or 3 days? It is traumatizing.

To add to it, he is constantly fighting intense muscle pain in his joints. His stamina has dwindled and reached a level that is dangerously low. He can’t walk a few steps without feeling short of  breath. He can’t climb a single flight of stairs with ease. His hand aches even when he raises it to brush his teeth. I wondered how he will go on.

I know all of this sounds depressing, But when it all looked bleak, a ray of hope made its way into our lives. An aunt of Mint and Oregano offered to be a donor. Her blood group was compatible and she got all the necessary medical clearances. It took us some time to get all the legal clearances as well. After a lot of running around, paperwork and interviews, we’ve finally got the green signal from all concerned authorities.

I am delighted. We have a donor in place. The surgery has been scheduled for the 17th of this month. That means Mint will have to shorten his US trip by a few days. We’ll both be off to Chennai in less than 2 weeks. If the transplant is a success, it will mean an end to the dialysis sessions and a relatively normal life. This is  big for us. I am happy. And I am praying fervently.

Happy Week – Day 2

With Mint away in the US, it has been a few weeks since I have moved in with my parents. I love living at home for obvious reasons. All my needs are looked after. I am well aware of the oversolicitous attention I get from my mom and dad and how much they pamper me. Yet, each time I feel amazed by the depth of their love and care.

It is no news that I share a room with my sister when I am home.  We dance to crazy songs at night, tire ourselves out and chat until we fall asleep. However, the past few days we’ve been a little agitated. The remote of the AC in our room stopped working. We can’t leave the AC on the whole night because we can’t afford to the room gets too cold in a few hours. When we turn it off, it gets too hot again in an hour or two. So we need to turn it on again. Come night, and the sister and I start negotiating. Who will keep waking up to operate the AC? Getting out of bed to turn the AC on or off is not fun. We keep passing on the chore to the other.

One morning, we woke up feeling harrowed. Mom asked us what the matter was. We told her neither of us had had a pleasant night. It was too hot without the AC and yet, we were too lazy to climb out of bed to turn it on. So we tolerated the heat and kept sighing and kicking out our summer quilts. We didn’t sleep too well. She sympathised and we moved on.

Last night, we slept with the AC on. The plan was for one of us to wake up and turn the AC off when the room got too cold. I hoped the sister would do it. The sister hoped I would do it. We fell asleep without really making a decision. In a few hours, I noticed the AC had been turned off. I mentally thanked my sister for doing it. When I stirred again a few hours later, I noticed the AC was on again and the room was perfectly cool. Great. Finally, when I was half awake at the crack of dawn, I saw a dark figure enter the room to turn off the AC. It was mom! I realised it was her who had been working our AC all along. Although I was half asleep and dazed, I was stunned by her actions.

On hearing that her children had had a rough night, my mother decided to take it upon herself to ensure we slept well. I couldn’t get over the fact that she woke up every 2 hours or so and walked to our room to turn the AC on and off for us. And the sis and I thought getting out of bed in the middle of the night itself was a herculean task.

I wonder how parents do it. I doubt I have the capacity to  love my child in the same way. My sleep is too precious to me. I don’t know if I will be a good enough parent. But for now, I know I am very fortunate for I have been the recipient of such unbridled love.

Happy Week – Day 1

I’ve been very envious of people who’ve dared to participate in the 100 happy day challenge. Much as I want to add some happiness and sunshine on this blog, I don’t think I can ooze out the required amount of joy for 100 days straight. Because, let me face it -I need to whine periodically. And although ranting aloud actually does make me happy, those posts surely won’t qualify as ‘Happy Posts’. So I thought of a middle ground and came up with the idea of a ‘Happy Week’. 7 days of happy and jubilant writing sounds very doable to me. Since it will last for only a week, I also don’t have to worry about my blog turning into a cloyingly sweet space. Infact, I don’t think I mind doing a happy week every other month.

So here is my inaugural post for the Happy Week. I happened to go to the vegetable market yesterday and I came back with a lot of smiles. Markets always remind me of my childhood, because I grew up right in the midst of a bustling market place. Come evening and our street would come alive with flames that shone in bright kerosene lanterns. The vendors placed these lanterns beside their ware in order to make their produce gleam. It usually worked. The tomatoes glistened. The brinjals looked glossy.

The kerosene lamps that are reminiscent of my childhood have now been replaced by light bulbs that dangle precariously over the colourful produce. Although I miss seeing the markets of my childhood, the sight of the more ‘modern’ version also fills me with much joy.

To add to my delight today, when I walked up to the vendor with my basket full of veggies to be billed, he stuffed my bag with two springs of fresh curry leaves. Just like that. “Rakh lijiye”, is what he said. The fragrant springs reminded me of the times I had driven all the way to the Indian store back in California just to procure a zip-locked pack of around six curry leaves for $ 2. And here I was, having fresh curry leaves in abundance – at no extra cost. Oh the joys of living in India!

Please excuse the poor picture quality. I am usually in a hurry to click and snap away with my cell phone camera without much thought.