A dash of Pepper…

…with a splash of Mint

Archive for July, 2017

This is YUGE! It changes everything – Part 1

Posted by Pepper on July 21, 2017

Anybody who has been reading this blog for a while will know how keen Mint and I were to adopt a baby. We had registered ourselves as prospective parents, completed all the formalities and were just waiting for a baby to be shown to us.

And then life decided to intervene. We were compelled to move back to the US and abandon all our dreams of adopting a child. Immigration issues made adoption impossible. Let me not get into how hard this was for me. It was such a blow. And in order to recover from the blow, I wanted a plan of action. I wanted to move on. I started bugging Mint for a biological baby.

As expected, he wasn’t over excited by the idea. Adoption seemed to appeal to him a lot, but the moment we spoke about having a biological child, he’d keep throwing questions at me and asking me if I am sure. I’d keep hating how unsure he sounded, but thankfully at some point I noticed he was more in line with my thoughts.

We were busy trying to settle down after moving to the US. I knew that in about a month or so, I would have to fly to India for a while to wrap up all the work I had abruptly left behind. We made the most of the holiday season here. We even drove to LA to visit the BFF and brought her back with us to the Bay Area to help us set up our new home. She stayed with us for the entire time until I had to leave for my India trip. Well, except for the last weekend, when she decided we should have some privacy before I flew out and went to visit her sis-in-law in the Bay Area.

Now let’s fast forward a little. It had been a few weeks since I had landed in India and I was late. Having had PCOS all my life, I dismissed it as yet another wacky cycle without much thought. But then as days passed by, I started having these quiet conversations with myself – should I or should I not take a pregnancy test? Mint was in California and I was staying with my parents. I didn’t really want to discuss this with anybody at that point, because in all likelihood I knew it would be nothing. I decided to get done with it and bought myself a home pregnancy test.

You know where this is going, don’t you? It was 4 am and I was wide eyed in my bathroom, staring at the two pink lines on the test. I will never forget the sound of my pounding heart as I gaped at the stick. It took me a few minutes to collect myself and walk out.

Obviously, I called Mint right away. He didn’t answer his phone. It was late afternoon in California and I knew he’d be in the midst of some meeting. I could have waited for him to call back, but since I couldn’t contain myself, I sent him a message on WhatsApp that said ‘I think I’m pregnant’.

After around 5 minutes, I noticed that the message had been seen by him. But there was no response. Wow, really? Okay fine then! I decided to go back to bed and put aside my phone. It’s quite funny when I think of it in hindsight. Like I suspected, he was in an important meeting when he saw my message. The poor guy must have been jolted and yet forced to sit through his meeting before he could respond or connect with me.

Yes, we did manage to speak thereafter. I barely slept that night. It all seemed too overwhelming. But of course, since we’re talking about my life here, there were many more unexpected twists and turns and even shocks lined up for us. To be continued..

PS – So, yes. I am pregnant. If any of you remember this post I had written way back in 2011, let me tell you my thought process has not changed much. I still giggle when I see other pregnant women because I think of them ‘doing it’ and I still can’t bear to let anybody else think of me doing it. So to anybody reading this, I will say that I didn’t have sex. Instead I joined my hands and prayed to the Lord, and that is what resulted in this pregnancy. Okay? Okay.

Posted in This is YUGE | 68 Comments »

Year 7 – Happy Anniversary, Mint

Posted by Pepper on July 15, 2017

Dear Mint,

Let me start by acknowledging the fact that this letter is late by several months. Our anniversary was in the end of March and I am writing this to you in the middle of July. I wonder what the delay implies. Have I stopped attaching significance to the ‘little things’ like the letters I have been writing to you? I hope not. I will attribute the delay to the changes and events that took us by complete surprise, made us sit up and scream ‘Oh My Goddd, is this really happening?’. I know you understand what I am talking about, so you will pardon and overlook the delay.

7 years of this crazy ride. How did we fare in the past year? I’m not quite sure. To start with, the first half of the year was so full of stress, so full of unanswered questions and well, drama. Should we move back to the US? Maybe not. Let’s try finding you another job that lets us stay in India. What? You aren’t able to find a single job that is comparable to your current one? Time is running out. What do we do? Give up on the US job offer too and stay without any job?

Maybe that is stupid. With no other job in hand, maybe we don’t have a choice but to move back to the US. But I don’t want to move. Should we give up on our dream of adopting a baby in order to make the move work? Is it worth it? Where is life headed?  Argghh. I remember being full of tantrums almost all year round, blaming you for our inability to ‘decide’, hating the uncertainty we were going through and feeling totally out of control. I think a lot of our potential moments were lost due to me either sulking or being hysterical.

To add to the issues we faced, I noticed how much you grew this year. And how much I didn’t. Of course, I am not talking about the wretched growing up that we adults have to do. I talk about the growth in your interests, passions and desires. What were just hobbies at one time turned into full blown passions. Your heightened interests in the world of board games and frisbee as a sport left me feeling disconnected.

You joined clubs, became a part of several groups, devoted exclusive time to understanding the subjects of your interest, took these ‘hobbies’ very seriously and reached a whole new level of involvement. Sadly, I didn’t discover any new passions of my own. The very geeky board games that we play will always remain a hobby for me, I doubt they will ever turn into a passion. I blamed you for allowing these activities to eat into our time together. You blamed me for being dispassionate about them.

I suppose these unmatched interests is something we just have to live with and work around. We’ve reached a point where you forgo a lot of your interests in order to spend time with me. But I keep wondering if you are masking the resentment that probably lies beneath? On most days, you seem very spontaneous about what you give up. So I do try to be equally spontaneous about letting you go and pursue your interests when I sense you really want to. Trying to maintain this equilibrium is hard work though, and I keep wishing our preferences were more aligned with each other’s.

And then there was the move. If I thought the act of moving was stressful and tiring, coping with the move has been far worse. Time and again I have compared my present life to the life I had back in Mumbai and each time I end up feeling like I’m getting a raw deal now. I know most others feel differently so let’s not debate that. But the massive changes and the associated discomforts made sure I wasn’t at my best behaviour. And you smilingly put up with it all.

I have to say, I have only been able to tide through the madness because of your reassuring presence. I love the way you hold me. It calms me down magically. The coming year is going to be very intense for us, probably the most intense and overwhelming one we’ve experienced so far. If we continue to hold on to each other and take one step at a time, I think we’ll be okay.

Here’s a picture one of our friends took of us when we were cuddling up. I love candid pictures. No pretense. No posing. No being self conscious. Pretty much like our relationship.

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Thank you for being there. Always.

All my love,

— Pepper

Posted in Splashes of Mint | 8 Comments »

 
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