Damn the pain

 

Today is Thanksgiving. Or maybe I should say ‘was’, since it is past 12. I had actually thought of writing a list of things I was thankful for.

But here I am, feeling numb with pain. How can anything on this earth hurt me like this?

When will attacks on Mumbai end?

 

How the hell could they do that to Mumbai? How the hell can they do that to any city? So many lives have been extinguished so far. Why? What for? I am so sick of these acts of violence and terror.

Everytime I think I ‘ve managed to tuck away this feeling of despondency, I end up seeing flashes of news. I see the top of Taj go up in flames. I read about the people being held hostage. I see the mutiple explosions that rocked the city. I see the ongoing firings taking place. And I am struck by disbelief, shock and horror.

And it happened at places that I frequented regularly, like the Leopold Cafe? Taj and Gateway of India? How many times have we gone for drinks to Leo’s? And gone driving at night around the areas of Colaba, Taj and Gateway? That makes me identify with the victims so much more. It makes it more unbelievable and I cant comprehend anything beside those terrifying images.

And the worst part? Its knowing that the terrorists are still hiding and taking shelter within the city at this very moment. That the combined forces of the police, army, navy, ATS squad have been unable to evacuate them from the hotels and other places they are seeking shelter in. That the firings and blasts are taking place even now. Terror looms large in my city. Being so far away makes it worse for me. I wish I were back home in Bombay.

 

Randomness

 

I am just happy today, for no particular reason. And I thought I should blog so that I record happy moments as well and not just have overly negative entries.

I’ve got some very random thoughts scooting through my brain.

While walking back home today, I threw my jacket overhead in my bid to protect myself from the icy rain. And saw two strangers laughing away. I smiled at them. Although I freeze, the rain invigorates me.

I feel very small and insignificant everytime I stand close to the sea.

The assignments are piling up. I have so much to do but I dont want to move.

The money is depleting. I hope some part time job falls into my lap. These student days are tough.

There are so many things I am anxious about. A quick fix of hope is what I need at times.

I had issues with trust and faith. And then I thought by holding back I wasn’t taking what life offered. So I did a free fall. I don’t regret it.

Many times I wonder; how much is too much? why do people pretend to be things they’re not? why is good chocolate so expensive?

I dont want to be at the mercy of anyone or anything.

I really want to be able to wake up early, treasure the peace and quiet of the morning. Sit with a hot mug of coffee on my desk and get some work done.

People tell me I am vulnerable. Do I really let my guard down that easily?

Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of deja vu.

I’ve realised I’ve become more quiet offlate. Although I am silent, there are numerous random thoughts jumping around crazily in my brain.

I am smiling.. 🙂

 

 

 

Brrrrr !!

Having lived in Bombay all my life, my body is so conditioned to heat. I’d shiver in the pseudo winters of Mumbai and feel cold with just a slight nip in the air.

I came to England and the frigid weather here put the senses back in my brain, which had probably melted ‘cos of the heat. The definitions of “pleasant weather”, “warm day”, “sunny weather”, “cold”, “windy”, “rainy”, “cloudy” were modified. My parameters were altered. My level of resistance and tolerance changed.

It was like being picked out of the furnace and being tossed into the freezer. I am surprised I’ve survived. So far atleast.. 🙂