The unvoiced thoughts

A long time ago, a friend of mine called me a ‘spineless wimp’. She said it casually at that time, but I could never really forget those words. I thought long and hard and a part of me could not help agreeing with her. The truth is, I do not stand up for myself. I do not speak up, I do not express my opinions in a crowd and I let others walk over me because I can’t say no. Most of the times, I am too scared of hurting the other person.

I remember when I was in college, I used to lend money to a friend every now and then because she would always forget to carry her wallet and would realise this only in the canteen when we were ordering some food. She would ask me to pay for her each time. By the end of each semester, she would owe me a big chunk of money.  She rarely bothered to pay me back and I could never really get myself to ask her for the money. The BFF would get mad at me for not asking and would finally ask her to repay me herself. She spoke on my behalf and I let her do it.

When I was in studying in UK, we had an arrangement with our flatmates. One of us was supposed to cook, the other was supposed to do the chopping, and the third was supposed to do the dishes. The guy who was supposed to do the dishes almost never did it. He always came up to me and told me he was tired, so could I do it please? I never had the heart to say no. This happened almost everyday and I would stay up after my assignments, washing dishes late into the night, doing his job and letting him get away with it.

Even during my Masters, I was always the quiet  boring girl in the background who never took the spotlight. I have been on Facebook for four years now, and I have never put up a status message. I think I just don’t speak in a crowd.

Other than that, I hate confrontations. That is why I usually try to please my in laws even if it means doing somethings out of character. I know so many people think that is stupid, but I find it easier than having an argument with them and then dealing with the tears and  hard feelings. Perhaps I will change someday. I don’t know.

A while ago, one of my friends told me she thinks I suffer from ‘low self esteem’ and that is what prevents me from voicing myself. I told her I didn’t think that way. I thought it was lack of desire to speak. I feel too tired by the thought of having an argument, so I let my opponent win. That does not mean I accept defeat. At least not mentally. It only means I find it easier to let them have the false belief of victory.

While talking, we discussed how I had never put up a status on Facebook. She related that to low confidence again and made me promise her I would put up a status message that day. I didn’t think that made sense, but agreed nevertheless. I remembered my promise only at night, when I was half asleep. I got out of bed and put up a status that said “The first one..” I should have thought of the possible interpretations, but to my sleepy brain, it seemed obvious I was talking about my status. The results were disastrous, but lets not get into that.

A few days ago, a friend who reads my blog said she thinks I am getting ‘too opinionated’. I told her I’ll take that as a good thing. Because I have hardly been able to express my opinions offline. I think one of the reasons I can talk so freely on my blog is because it is anonymous. Some of you who read me have connected with me personally and know who I am. A lot of you don’t. At times I feel bad not revealing my name to some of you who mail me, but I suppose it is best that way. Because the anonymity allows me to write without hesitation.

Blogging means a lot to me. It is perhaps the only medium that fills the gap between my mind and my voice. I treat this as a comfortable corner, where I stop by every now and then, speak my mind, be true to myself, unwind, converse, vent, think and relax. This is my very own cosy nook. I do not think twice before expressing my love, my disgust, my fears, my beliefs, my anger and other emotions here. The best part is nobody forces you to be here either. You drop by at your own will and I love sharing this place with you. 🙂

*****************************

I am looking to add some good blogs to my reader. So tell me, do you have a favourite blog? One that you are addicted to? One you can relate to? One you simply love? You can have more than one favourite of course. Do tell me about them.