Chapter 12 of my life.

It’s late at night. I sit on my bed, listening to dreamy Hindi songs on my laptop. I see Mint next to me, working on his laptop. We exchange smiles and kisses every once in a while. Melodic notes from ‘Roja‘ fill the air. I look at my surrounding. The room is messy. We lie here, undisturbed by the disorderliness. This is the home we have built, far away in a world that belongs just to us. We are the sole rulers of this place. I look around once more. The familiarity of my surrounding is comforting.

And yet, we are going to abandon this world that we govern. Soon, we are going to move out of this house we so lovingly built. We are going to move out of this city that felt just like home. We are going to move out of this country that I have grown to love. And that, is the toughest decision we have made so far. We are moving back to India. It’s time I said it here. I thought if I didn’t put it on my blog now, I never will.

It’s been a hard choice. One that we chewed over for a long, long time. It would have been a lot simpler had I not loved this place the way I do. India is a country that I have started fearing. The lack of law and order frustrates me. The corruption makes me feel hopeless.  The everyday difficulties, the lack of efficiency, the sexist mindsets, the rigid views, the exploitative work culture, the recurring hardships, the lack of safety, the interference, it all made me question myself a million times. Do I really want to go back to that place? I love my life here, it is easy and hassle free. To give up this smooth and carefree life and jump into the chaos requires a strong gut.

The questioning made me feel uneasy. I did not want to confront my emotions, but it had to be done. As much as I love my life here, I knew I couldn’t be here forever. Ultimately, I knew I had to return to my family. I couldn’t be gone for good. It is sad that I have now started fearing my own country. The chaos and the lack of order that I once considered to be a very normal part of my life, now agitates me a lot more than it ever did. Maybe because living out of my country has been a reality check. Living in India had made me too immune to the negativity there. I now know how good it can get. This exposure to the good has made me less tolerant of the ugly realities that are a part of everyday India. On second thoughts, maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that will give me the added motivation to do my bit for my own country. Once I go back, I know I will resist the bad, instead of accepting it the way I did earlier. Maybe that will bring about some positive changes.

I don’t want to sound noble. My motive for moving back is not patriotic. I am only moving back to be close to my family. The physical distance is something I could not deal with. And I realised, the longer I stay, the harder it will be to go back. Just a few years away and the thought of returning to my country fills me with fright. I can only imagine how much more difficult the transition would be if I waited longer. The pain of leaving this place was inevitable. The sooner I get through with it, the better.

To say I am scared would be an understatement. Especially because moving back to India was not Mint’s preferred option. He is only doing it because that is what makes me happy. He has been away for too many years now. I worry about him. I worry he will find it too hard to get used to the Indian way of life. I am worried about the easy access my in laws will have to our lives. I am worried I will find it too hard to deal with the insanity that is India. I am scared and worried, yes, but more than that, I am excited.

I knew I would go back home someday. The someday is now in sight. It is less than 2 months away. The prospects excite me. India has a lot of positives. I can feel the thrill. The 2 BFFS had tears of joy when I told them. The sister has been counting days. My parents are ecstatic. A lot of action and excitement awaits us. Big changes lie ahead. And as usual, I am going to come back to this page to chronicle my journey and my experiences. All of you, please send us your good wishes, and say yay!